Memorial Day 2007

M-E is spending the night with Dr. Tracy and the new African Grey parrot named Moci. He is 9 months old and has some clothing issues. He was sick as a baby and was given some medication. It made him itch and he pulled out all of his feathers in three days. Only the down has grown back. He has his wing, tail and head feathers but the rest of his body is covered with little tiny down feathers. He looks like he is wearing a fuzzy turtle neck.

He has taken over the former home of Hailey. The 13 year old that decided to fall off her cage a few weeks ago and break her back and had to be put to sleep. She had been Dr. Tracy's companion since she had been an egg. (The bird, not Dr. Tracy) Hailey was a funny bird. My favorite was her call to the dog "let's go tinkle". We also appreciated Hailey because one of her favorite foods was toast with Grandma Mary's Jam. A bird of great taste.

Beverly and Maggie were listening to me and afraid I might try and become a parent to a parrot. This will not be happening.

First they live for 60 - 90 years. My dogs would want to eat them. (Tucker evidently things he is a bird dog.) Most importantly, they don't like me. In the Mercer Island Parrot store there is 7 year old bird named Quito. He talks up a storm to M-E and will not talk with me, at all. He was walking down a rope and M-E asked where he was going and he said "on a trip". When she left he would call her back... " tut, tut, tut, come here....."

No were are working on the house and the garden and the garage. My attempts to reclaim the garage are stalled. The good will stuff is gone but the carpet from down stairs and some other less identifiable items are now filling the space. I am sure in the long run, it will be a good thing.

Time to try and do laundry..... I don't know why I just don't give up, pack it up and take it to be done......

Two Roads and other such nonsense.

The Road Not Taken
Poem lyrics of The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler,

long I stood And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim,

Because it was grassy and wanted wear;

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet knowing how way leads on to way,

I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and

I I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Oh, Mr. Frost. I don't recall when I first encountered this poem. I have loved it and remembered it. I have re-read it on occasion but like most things, it just sort of sits on the back of the shelf and waits to be taken off for use occasionally. Like the good China.

I don't think it makes it any less important or has less value. It is still a cherished bit of wisdom.

It came to mind when Mitch died. I realized that we were on the same path for a long time together. It seems unfair that he has gone down the other road so soon but then we have all come to those points when we have to take a sudden turn.

Pre-Trial Crazy Ness

We are going to trial on couple of issues. We are having so much fun reading and reviewing and working on what everyone has said, will say and might say. I hate that anything has to be said.



We have passed the point of no return. We are going to trial because everyone has so much invested in the process. It is no longer about what is in the best interest of a child but who can get the most from the other person. Who can say the meanest thing. I am going on the hopes that we can exit this process with a little bit of dignity and something to bring this family back together again. There are no winners. Maybe the child will have something out of this.

There are so many things we do for the "sake" of the child. We give everyone medals in a competition. We make sure they have the same material possessions. We monitor their television and computer interaction. We plan for kindergarten, and middle school and high school and college. I wonder who the real beneficiary of this activity is to be? I think there is way to much parent ego in this whole solo kid project.

I hope there has been enough balance in the direction I have launched Mary-Elizabeth. I hope that some of her working hard and studying hard and going to crew and all of that is partly what she wants to do. I would hate for her to think that her time has been wasted.

Well I have to go work on the trial.

13th a Mothers Day

It has not been, a breakfast in bed, Brunch, hang the fuchsia basket kind of day. This has been a day where I have been counting my blessings because I am still Mary-Elizabeth's MOTHER. It is on days like this that I just get weepy and say the chant.

I am still a mom. I am still a mom. I am still a mom.

M-E asked what I wanted for Mother's Day and I told her I wanted to be able to park in the garage. I was well on the way when her father was hi-jacked and diverted to another project. The difference is profound and the garage will be assuming it's true avocation and house the car soon. I will be happy when that finally happens.

Dad and brother Alex were here this week. Lots has been removed from the basement and around the house. Alex did a bit of yard work. He removed the dirt from around the edge of the front flower bed. He is working on making it a less attractive place for the newest guests in our house. "Moisture Ants". They figured that since no one else was living down stairs, they should move in. They were not counting on the bug police. Another story for another day.

Mantra today.... I am still a Mom. I am still a Mom........

Change

She has grown some hair, the kitchen tile has been replaced. We are able to go to places like Swanson's for lunch and Tucker ate the legless Barbie.

I also have been struggling with the various soap dispensers that have been installed during the "Cancer Years". I used to understand them and knew how they worked. I could push a button and was certain where the soap would come from and know what form it would take. I hated the powdered stuff and much of the liquid smelled like the stuff they tried to use to make the gym not smell like dirty feet. New places that have replaced our old favorite haunts while we were away, have installed a variety of devices. No longer do you press and then receive the liquid/powder. Now you press and get foam or more often a glob of stuff falls to the floor because there are not clear instructions on where the stuff comes out. Some are "eco" friendly and only dispense after you say the magic words, wave a wand and stand on you head three times.

The faucets and paper towel dispensers are just as tricky.

Oh well......change and "improvements" happen, whether or not it makes any sense, you are ready for it or notice it is happening. While our life was on pause, the new and improved bathroom soap dispensers invaded.

Gone Missing, Had Gone Missing??

Gone Missing....................... I don't think that is an appropriate gramatically correct sentence....

The plane has gone missing............ Shouldn't it be: The plane is missing. If the plane is missing, we know it is gone.

Gone missing, should I just "get over it"

Been A While

I don't quite know why. I think I wanted to stay in the special, on the beach for awhile place. One that can be so easily disturbed. I have tried really really hard to not be jerked back into the reality of my crazy life and the clients and the stuff that didn't get done and the trial coming up and the........................

So, I am back. I am working on the garage. I should not say, "I". We have had an army. Two loads to the dump is all it takes to find a parking space. Now, I am not really parking there yet, but I can visualize parking. It is almost the same thing. I can see it happening in the next couple of weeks. A rather large table needs to come out. Then I am ready to go. The basement is next. I am getting rid of fabric and stuff. I feel a need to find empty space. Maybe it is part of my post-vacation state.

M-E is caught up with school. She felt so far behind that there was a possibility that she would be returning to 8th grade in the fall to try again. She has recovered and seems headed to her freshman finals. She is going to be a sophmore. I have always been a sap at this time of year but each year that she goes to school and completes is such a huge gift for which I feel so blessed for obviouse reasons.

Dr. Tracy ( also known as Dr. Fishnets) is going to Arizona to Chinle to be a doctor. She loved every minute there except maybe for the rain and the red mud and the........... She is ready for the challenges and the adventure. I am making reservations for Christmas as soon as Southwest will let me. Belle is excited that she will be there. Belle is working to get her a big enough house that we can stay with Tracy and not with Belle and Karen. It is a complicated relationship.

WE are Back and WE are Relaxed

What more do I need to show. Sun, people with smiles and beach. That pretty much says it all.

We Loved Mitch but He had to Leave

Broz, Mitchell August

Mitchell August BROZ Beloved husband, true friend and wise counselor, Mitch Broz passed away peacefully at Swedish Hospital in Seattle on April 4, 2007, following a long and courageous battle with melanoma. He was surrounded by several of the many family and friends to whom he devoted so much love during his brief but immensely full life. Born April 30, 1960 to Richard and Blanche Broz of Mercer Island, Mitch graduated with honor from Mercer Island High School, Georgetown University (summa cum laude) and the University of Washington School of Law (Order of the Coif). He was a partner in Mikkelborg Broz Wells & Fryer, the firm co-founded by his father in the 1960s. He became known within his firm, and throughout the Seattle legal community, as a man of strong intellect, impeccable ethics and an attorney to whom other attorneys naturally turned for advice. He was committed to this country, and was deeply concerned about its current approach to democracy, the environment, civil liberties and its involvement in war. From his study at Georgetown, he developed a lifelong interest in many Eastern philosophies, and in Zen Buddhism in particular. From Zen he received solace and a positive attitude toward life that supported him throughout his illness. Mitch will be remembered as someone who possessed remarkable sensitivity, as reflected by his gentle spirit. His love for the law was second only to that of his cherished wife, Sharon, his partner in life. They made a beautiful home together on Snoqualmie Ridge where they shared their enthusiasm for travel, gardening, Asian art, reading and history. Mitch was also a gifted and creative pianist with tremendous musicality, who was mostly self-taught. He played by ear and created his own compositions. He loved animals, was concerned for their welfare and was especially fond of cats. He also gave generously of his time to his community, through service as an officer in the Snoqualmie Valley Rotary Club and the Virginia V Board of Seattle. Mitch is survived by his wife, Sharon Christiansen Broz of Snoqualmie, his mother, Blanche Broz of Bellevue, his brother, Bill Broz of Newport Beach, California, and loving family, friends, colleagues and clients too numerous to count. A Memorial will be held at 2:30 p.m., Thursday, May 17, 2007, at Mercer Island Presbyterian Church, 3605 84th Avenue SE, Mercer Island, WA 98040. Contributions may be made in memoriam to the American Melanoma Foundation or to the Humane Society for Seattle/King County.
Published in print on 4/15/2007.

Two Paths

Dear Mitch;

I heard a rumor that we may not be traveling the same road much longer. No more comparisons about ports and meds and side affects. No conversations about cereal and white bread. No more mutual cursing about Dexemethezone. ( Inside cancer treatment stuff.)

We will be so so sad that you need to diverge in this Yellow Wood and take that other path. We all know that at some time that less traveled path is one we must travel but that does not make it any easier. M-E-B and I have always known that is was a possibility for her and for you. Each of us that have suffered from or cared for a cancer patient knows it is a possibility. We keep our eyes on the hopeful path as long as possible but also know sometimes it is time for what Dr. Tracy calls a "DO OVER". There comes a point that we have to "Return to Sender" and get re-issued, re-boot, re-format and try again.

There is this tendency to try to not to think about the leaving part and the stopping of treatment and the going. But as we all know packing for the trip is the hardest part. Getting through security is a pain in the behind. But when you finally arrive and let go and relax it is a great thing.

MEB is in Las Vegas with more or her kind (Teenage Cancer Patients). They are having a great time and I will not be talking with her about all of this until her return. But know that she would be the first to tell you not to worry. During her healing ceremony she saw and received a message from a child that had died 8 years before named Joseph Boyle. He told her that she would be all right and was asked to tell his dad that he was all right. I don't know if she has thought about what that means but it tells me we change form and this "mortal plain" is not all we have.

Take your healing bears and let the strength they give help you on the next part of your journey. We will take care of Sharon, I will keep paying for the candles I lite in your honor ( even though it irks me for some reason) and we will be in touch again.

The picture here is one I took in Venice of St.George the Dragon Slayer. It is hard to see but there is a candle on each side. I lit one for you and one for MEB. You both have slayed the dragon, only in different ways.

SunShine Kids

Sunday M-E joins the gang. She is off to Vegas with three other children from here to meet up with 24 others from around the country. I am sending the camera so we will have some pictures.

Should be fun for here.

The title will take you to the web site.

Time Does Fly

I have learned that silence makes people nervous. At this phase of life, please know that things are just slowly winding their way back to normal. We have been on a quest.

M-E is going to Vegas for gathering of like survivors. She and 27 other children are gathering to spend time together and to build a net work of kids from all over the country that have had a similar experiences. She leaves on Sunday the 1st of April and returns on the 6th. We then leave for Mexico on the 7th. Quick turn around.

The quest if for a swim suit. She has a great suit and felt another on just like it was not appropriate. Thus a quest was commenced, started, mapped out..... What ever. It has been a quest. Landsend has been called on to deliver half the inventory in stock in every color and size and possible variation. The local swim suit store has been visited. Macy's has been abandoned as a place so pathetic, why bother to go for anything but sale sheets. JC Penny's did come through. I am please to announce that Landsend did also. She is set. Suits to mix and match and wear. Suits that don't make her feel fat and ugly and gross. Her words. She has since been told by the many wise women in her life that all women feel that way.

The best part is that after a valiant effort, we have had success. She has three suits that make her feel like swimming. What more can you ask from life. I have two suits to try on but trying on suits makes me feel fat, ugly and gross........

So it is just not me.

I look at this picture of this lovely child taking care of her dog. She has hair and looks healthy. She is wearing Holy Names sweatshirt. I look and realize that at this point in our lives, no one knows what has happened if they don't know us. People don't walk up and ask what kind of cancer she has, or how I am doing. We can choose to share the news. I have found that it freaks people out. I guess that is why people start with

"I AM A CANCER SURVIVOR"

It keeps people from regretting they asked....

Here is a great piece that someone wrote about having a disabled child. It really sort of hit home. We were in "Italy" until our plane was hijacked to Holland on August 13, 2004.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
byEmily Perl Kingsley.
c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Dear Dogs: I have no idea who wrote this but it seemed to be someone I would like to know.

Dear Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine or bark, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

Thanks,Mom

I think this is a perfect spot

Sadie on the lookout for danger........ Tucker on the lookout for food. Perfect.

Busy week. M-E and I are going to a Mother Daughter Brunch. I hope it is a good thing given we have to drive to Bellevue. Oh, I am so bad....

She is at her first Concert

She earned tickets to see Rascal Flatts. She took Whitney. I will have more to tell tomorrow night. She is spending the night with the Verhoffs and then they are taking her to school.

Should be great. She was excited.

My mom knew who they were and thought it would be a great concert. Only my mom.

The title of this should take you to a video of the group for you that are less than savey about the "music scene".. Anyone hear about something called Rap? or is it Wrap?

The Last of The Leposy Medicine has been Taken.

Leprosy you say? Well of course my daughter has been taking drugs that treat leprosy! Remember, nothing should surprise anyone. It was a drug that is used to prevent PnemoCystis Pneumonia. The killer of many immune suppressed people. It was one of the things that killed lots and lots of AIDEs patients early on in the epidemic.

Yes, we are done with that part of Post-Treatment. Thank heavens. It is over.

Old E-mail I found and thought I should store somewhere. Sent September 2, 2004

Subject: Good and Bad News about Mary-Elizabeth
Good afternoon:

This is the first day I have been able to take a moment to compose an e-mail and send it out. We have a lot to be thankful for but some worries are ahead.

Good News:
A. She has the best kind of Lukemia. ( I refuse to learn to spell it.) She has ALL and we are into week three of a 2.5 year period of treatment.

B. I will have a working home office by week's end for the times I need to be home.
C. She has been able to be in school all week.
D. She is a girl and not a boy. Boys are treated for 3 years.
E. She never had any Luequemia symptoms before we found the problem.
F She did not have to have brain surgery in order to make the diagnosis.
G. 75-80% of the kid make it and she has always been better than a C student.
H W e live close to Children's Hospital and don't have to live in the Ronald McDonald House.
I . We have friends that will bring us something to eat. Just be forewarned when you enter the Children's Hospital cafeteria you enter 1952 only with instant potatoes.

Bad News: We can not be more than 60 minutes from Children's Hospital for the the next 9 months.
She does not want my input on her Make-a-Wish. I really thought that having John Travolta fly here with Tom Cruise as co-pilot to pick us up to fly to Dell to pick out a lap top and meet Lance Armstrong and then on to Disney World where Brad Pitt would meet us and we could go on all the rides without waiting in line was a good idea. Oh, yeah that would be the plan for me and my sister.

Reality Check`

We are headed into month three of 'Post Treatment" time. We are regaining some things that we lost in those dark years of leukemia. I ignored lots of things like people and our yard and the house and my health. We have lost touch with so many people and so many parts of our old lives. We seems to be making some attempts at re-connecting. Some more successful than others. I am running into a pretty common phenomenon in that people have been afraid to contact us. Our silence has made them wonder if things are okay. If M-E is alright. If there has been a turn for the worse and she had died and no one bothered to tell them. I hate that my silence may have created those thoughts.

Suffice it to say, we are here, alive and well. We are doing what we can to enjoy and honor each day. We are very aware that life has not been easy but it is also not impossible to deal with. We have had the best of all outcomes.

At some point in M-E's treatment, I began looking for other blogs done by parents with similar issues. I found the one about a little girl named Hannah. She was diagnosed with ALL and died within weeks of that diagnosis. Her mom has kept writing as the year as passed since that death. It is a very different life they live. I will not expound more but she has important things to say. I wish there was more that we could do for everyone but I think Tracy is right. Some times we have to be returned to heaven and have a "D0 Over."

First Day of Lent or What I am giving up for 40 days and 40 nights.

I used to give up things like fabric. I don't really buy fabric any more since I have not really be quilting any more and I was sort of distracted by that Leukemia thing for the last few years. I have been known to give up E-Bay. I do like to look at things.

I was shopping this morning so I could send my sister an assortment of cards. She sent my daughter a thank-you card and it was an altered Sympathy card. She says she was being resourceful. I am going to do something to fill that need. Of course is that any stranger than having my father use a 1936 Christmas Seal for a 36 cent stamp? Evidently the post office did not seem to mind. What really boggled me is that they did not even cancel it.

So here I am back at Lent. 40 days, and 40 nights of giving up something. That old fasting thing. I think I am going to give up something productive like clutter. Maybe I could find 40 spaces in my house to clear. Now that would be a good thing. Maybe I could give up dis-organization. I could sort and throw and clear. Maybe I could give up not going to the Dog Park with the dogs. They do love it. Maybe I could give up short afternoon walks and take long walks instead. Maybe I could give up weeds in my back yard. Maybe I could give up using my garage as a storage locker. Maybe I could give up...................

I think it is much easier to give up something you can see and touch and think about. I am going to try the clutter thing and the walking thing. I also have banned bread and pastries from my world. I have decided that does not mean tortillas or crackers. It is not all desserts so cookies are okay. I am just not very good at Lent.

I asked Mary-Elizabeth what she was giving up and she said Chemo........ and then pointed out that she had given up more than enough. I had to agree. 40 days..............

Beach Time

Mom is a Mountain Person. I am a beach person. I can sit for hours and listen to the pounding and the birds and the wind. It is a place that I belong. I don't need to be in it. Just by it. I am not an Atlantic Ocean person or a sunny beach person. I am a stormy beach person. I love the time there.

We met Mom and Dad at Moclips on the Washington Coast. The North Beach area as the locals call it. It is literally 9 miles from the end of the road. Desolate, quiet, harsh windy, sandy. All those good things. It is not Canon Beach but it is beautiful. No tide pools but then endless stretch of beach is a great thing for walking or just sitting. It was cold and very windy. High and Minus Tides. Crazy people digging razor clams in the dark. Small bar/restaurants that scared my daughter and time to learn how to play cribbage with Grandpa. Time to read, off leash time and good meals. It felt very normal. We will be going more often. No need to return to that location but finding a place down the road.

Birthdays and Other special Occasions

Tomorrow is Dad's 76th birthday. It is not "old" in today's world where some people live to 114 but it is darn right respectable in any world. Father, Dad, Daddy, how do we ever actually honor him? How do we ever thank him for all that he has done for us? How do we ever let him know what an important person he is to us? How do we explain the lessons he has taught us? How to see, how to listen, how to evaluate, how to work and work hard. How to see potential at every picked over garage sale? How to face life and all of it's challenges. How to laugh when there is nothing funny about a situation. How to ask the hard questions. How to admit you are wrong with conviction and integrity. How to tell a tall tell. How to create memories for our children. How to teach them to want to travel and try new things. How to make a pair of shoes last a little bit longer. How to value friends and family and put up with all their foibles. How to fry perfect bacon and make sour dough pancakes ( I am still working on that one.) How to put stamps on an envelope so they are not all cancelled and can be reused. How to forgive yourself for not letting a man poorer than yourself polish your shoes when you only have two dollars in your pocket. How to give the best of yourself to those that seek your help. How to not carry a grudge. How to accept people for what and who they are but still expect the best of them. How to place the best picks in the office pool for March Madness. How to have the courage to make big life changes and stop what is making your so so unhappy to find what you really want to do. How to milk a cow and pull off a chicken's neck. How to go on endless road trips and camp out every night. How to appreciate art and music. How to stop at historical markers just because. How to try and understand the mistakes we as a culture have made and do a little something to fix it. How to appreciate Chief Joseph and the importance of seeing where the battle occurred. How to drive a stick shift. How to treat your life partner. How to accept all the weird things your children do. How to forgive your children for all the weird things they do do. How to get a 4 point in college. How to have an interest in lots of things and not be a nerd. How to laugh at yourself when you make a laughable mistake like saddle the draw horse and not the riding horse. How to take advantage of every possible opportunity when you have the chance. Find out where you are and explore a place for more than the obvious. How to face serious and life threatening challenges with grace and honor. How to be thankful of each and every day knowing they are a gift.

I don't know how to say the right things so I have decide to put this on my blog and and send him a copy for his birthday and try not to comit mail fraud by using old stamps or Christmas Seals.

Hair History

I think what this really shows is smile history. Always a smile. We are working on keeping that smile as the pressures mount at work and at school. We have lots of balls in the air and sometimes breathing is a forgotten pass time. Each day is better and then there are days of total exhaustion but the energy returns with more regularity. Lots of activity. Spring is coming. The light is returning to the world and we have HAIR

Full Moons and Weird Dreams

The difference between a good hair cut and a bad one is 6 months in Tucker World. Tucker is wanting to meet the newest Seattle "it" scottie. If you click on to the title, you will be wisked away to the new dream girl in his life. He is hoping to get to meet her some day.

Endless exhausting dreams. Weird, nonsense sorts of madness. Murders and non-responsive police. Endless treks that lead to no end. Restarting of dreams even after waking. I did have tea in a really great tea house with the Sisters of the Holy Names. Evidently I had failed to notice the lake side retreat area out front next to the ferry dock. Oh, well it has been a busy couple of years.

We are gearing up to gear up to be busier in a different way. M-E is going to part of an exercise study at the Hutch. Chipper, cheerie personal trainer for 12 weeks. She can get there on a bus after school. The one afternoon of work study and then crew one night a week. She will transition to crew more as her other obligations drop off. It is pretty exciting. I think I am required to hunt for appropriate outfits for the tasks.

One more day this week and then we settle into a quiet week-end. Maybe the dreams will subside.

Wise Words

" I know what I can do. I just don't know what I want to do."

Ruth Verhoff 1-27-07

I have been having these crazy dreams the last few nights. Long working dreams. The one's where you wake up tired. The ones that keep going even after you wake up and go back to sleep. They are the type where you are lost in a dark dark town. You finally find someone and find a place to stay but have to keep going to get there. I ended up in Vermont. I could look out over the valley and was perplexed as to why I did not see any cows. En route to Vermont, we must not forget the giant mother and baby skunk in the field. Or the small problem with my backing into the 1944 WinWam ( Looked like a VW Van to me) The blond teenager wanted to know if I was going to help pay for the small crease in the fender and asked for $2500.00. Evidently it is expensive to fix a 1944 WinWam. I was at the movie theater before I realized I had insurance. Then there was the evil neighbor that would not leave us alone and we came home and had to leave our house and stay with them, but they were moving but could not move until he delivered the baby that was due on that day. His wife was ready to go to work and I had to stay and there was a big rottweiler that needed to go for a ride and I took him and everyone wanted to pet him and he was vicious and I could not find a place to turn around to go home...............

See, sleep is exhausting and confusing and oh so disturbing. I think I have to make some changes in my life and my dreams are definitely search dreams. We shall see what tonight shall bring.

M-E update: No news is good news.

Looking and Seeing

Look..... Look..... Look, a word that echoed through my childhood. Come see.... We didn't have a TV so we played games, read books and looked out the window at the birds, clouds, trees, or the weird neighbors. It didn't seem to matter.

Girls came over today to bake. For some reason M-E wanted to have them over to bake. We had a bunch of stuff left over from the Christmas baking that did not happen. So they arrived and they baked. Now when more than one 14 year old is in the kitchen, only limited baking happens. So one pan of 7 layer bars and a cheese cake. A movie has been attended and some art work has been produced. The dogs have been walked and fed and then lots of talking.

I found myself saying Look....... as the birds arrived. I found that Look still works and still has the same power. They all came to the window and we had a short bird lesson. After the moment, they went back to the "baking" and chatting and I took a moment to look. I saw 4 girls lost in the chat of girls. I saw smiles and heard laughter. I saw "Normal". I loved that I did not have to look very far.

It Seems like We Should Be Done

But then something little happens, in this case a fall down the stairs.

Something so little and the worry mode is triggered. Did she fall because she was mad at having to help put Christmas away. Is it left over from the Vincristine? Was she just moving too fast? Was it a bit of all of the above? How bad will the bruise be? Is anything broken? Why is the back of her hand still so bruised? Is she tired because of being 14 or has her hematocrit dropped? Should I just clean up Christmas or worry/

See, I thought it was over. There is really nothing to worry about but then I thought I was done turning on the Christmas Lights. When the snow started, I turned them back on because they looked so wonderful.

We still have a fair amount of the white stuff left. More is coming tonight. I don't worry that this is a product of Global Warming because we do have these storms on occasion. I worry about Global Warming when it is 50 degrees in Red Square and no snow in sight. Now that is a problem. I still get cold when I think about Dr. Zhivago!

They Know What They are Saying When They Say YOU CANN'T GET BLOOD OUT OF A TURNIP. Did you know Mary-Elizabeth is a Turnip?

I found out yesterday that she is not human or even in the mammal family. She is a turnip. She does not look like a turnip, smell like one or even taste like one when dipped in dressing or roasted in olive oil and salt. She just looks like a kid. But she is not.

Yesterday she had her first post-chemo blood draw. No veins were found, and when one was coaxed into appearing and was poked, the blood went to other parts of her body and her hand pretended to be a turnip. The blood would not flow no matter how much they coaxed. Finally when the other hand realized it was next, some and I mean some, in a very minute but sufficient way, came out.

The lab said it was "just enough" only a drop too much.

We have to plan on how to do this next time.

January 8th

This may have been Elvis's Birthday

This may have been my Grandmother's Birthday (She would have been 99)

This is more important than any of those items:

It is M-E's first Post Treatment Blood Draw. There is a knot in my stomach that no amount of Chocolate will fix.

Numbers to be posted later.

Cranes

They fall in Bellevue.

They swing around in the wind in Seattle and break windows.

They are brought back from certain extinction by old family friends.

They are folded by cancer kids in search of survivorship. What I find wonderful is that this folding and stringing has brought a "string of kids' together.


M-E began her 1000 during one of her dexemethosone times. It was a very hard time for her because she was full of anxiety and needed to do something, had no energy because of the chemo and had to do them perfectly. She has many more to go. Elise R. had a folding party this summer. Her 1000 cranes are with her all the time, either in the room or at home. As I have mentioned before, Elise R. is a little girl with nasty ALL. Hers laughed at chemo therapy and she went straight to transplant. M-E and I have spent time with the family in lots of ways. Phone calls, visits, cards, letters. We gave Elise 13 pieces of tiny beautiful paper for her Day 13. Now M-E and Elise and her brother Jared are in a contest to see who can fold the tiniest crane.

We were asked to help a family and be a resource. M-E She was a bit reluctant at first because she did not feel like a survivor yet. She could not imagine what she would have to offer to someone else with cancer. It did not take her long to realize she had a lot to offer. In fact, this has become her service project for school.

The chain of cranes has expanded to another child. Estifania, Fani for short. She is a lovely little girl from Eastern Washington with a high energy Lupe clone. Elies's family decorated Fani's room for her long transplant stay. M-E made her 100 cranes for the first 100 days. When we delivered them, M-E showed Fani how to make them and thus the cranes are continuing in their journey.

M-E's presence was requested for a second lesson and during that time, another child hitched a ride on the lesson.

We have to go buy more paper. Not just paper but "good paper". It doesn't really matter. What ever lifts these kid's spirits.

Thoughts on the End of the Year

They are a strange sort of thing. Thoughts and new plans. I guess I have the belief that 2006 should be summed up and plans made for 2007. I feel a need to do the usual unkeepable resolutions and then find the list and laugh at my big plans. It seems to be part of what we do with life. We plan, we resolve, we organize and plan some more.

I don't feel that I can do that right now. I can plan some of the big things. The major events that require more than grabbing a tooth brush and going out the door. High School and two 4 legged creatures make that difficult. They require some thoughtful planning. A movie can happen on the spur of the moment. A play takes a bit more. Dinner plans are easy. I guess it is about taking a few hours here and there. Maybe that will be the resolution.

Not the Basement: One box at a time.

I will work on the list for tomorrow. Maybe that will be the resolution. Make a list of things to do. I did find a frame in the basement and I did frame a picture of one of M-E's art pieces. See I can accomplish tasks.

The Big Wind Down

Lots of activity. Lots of clean up. Lots to be thankful for. Lots of great friends. Lots of great family. Lots of things to think about. Lots of dishes to put away. Lots of things to think about and do. Lots and lots and lots.

But I guess the best part is that there will be lots more Christmas Seasons. It is so easy to say that you know things will "be alright" but the real test is in having that all rightness deep in your soul. It takes that kind of belief in Santa to make it seem real. Remember back when Santa was so real. He cared and he delivered. It was a simple relationship. You were good and you were reasonable on your list. You communicated the list and you waited. No doubts. Not questions that it was going to be great and the thing you wanted or in some cases, the perfect present that you did not know you wanted but Santa could see the want deep in your heart.

You know you have to believe even when the reality of and enormity of what Santa does starts to creep in to your Psyche. Flying Reindeer are not as hard to swallow as the size of a sled, the number of houses and the time thing alone.

It is the same with Leukemia. It takes a long time to even believe that your child has it. It is so intense at the beginning. The chemo and appointments and the expected side-affects that don't come and the unexpected ones that blind side you. Telling everyone, trying to make them feel better because if they feel better maybe the making them feel better will make you believe it is okay.

The "its going to be okay" is starting to sink in. The fact is we are surrounded and aware of so many that don't have a happy ending. So many that the littlest thing goes wrong and they never are allowed back on the path. Things you only hear about and never really know exists in the world.

We have been so blessed by our family, our friends, our doctors, my work. I could never repay those that have given so much to us. I can do stuff for other's and give back when I can.

We are winding down but then gearing up for the best year of all 2007.

Ornament Hangers and other Christmas Issues

Where have all the ornament hangers gone? They must be hiding with all the good Christmas Cards. I am not impressed. maybe as we get older we are more interested in quality rather than quantity. I value my ornaments and they need more than 54 gage wire ( I think that is thin) in a little pack for 59 cents. Hey I would be much more inclined to spend a few bucks for hangers that won't release their charge and smash years of memories on the floor.

Oh, I have become my father...... Now there is a realization.

I am done with work sort of for the rest of the year. I am going to try and turn it off in my head. I really need some time to do some mundane things like put up more tasteless Christmas lights and get out the last of the Christmas cards.

I have a list:

1. Organize all my pins. They are in a number of boxes and should be out somehow to be seen and have a chance to be put on a Jacket.

2. Clean out and start the pond. It would be great to listen to with my new windows.

3. Wash the covered area stuff. I have a new washer, it should be useful.

4. Clean out the cool blue bowl, sort through the rocks for the good fossils and put them in a good box. They are old and need some care.

5. Get tickets for the theater for the Tap Root.

6. Relax, relax, relax.

7. Find the lost gift cards that I put somewhere.

8. Sort through a box a day and get rid of stuff.
9. Put all the pictures in one big box or several.
10. Relax, find some decent ornament hangers and Christmas cards for next year and figure out what the denomination was for 1975 Christmas stamps.

Maybe it is Over....

We have just been going to school and going to work and doing homework and writing Christmas cards. The tree is purchased. The gifts are under control. Not much going on there this year. I have to make decisions about Christmas Dinner. What to serve. Lamb, Bone in Breast of Veal or wild Mallard. How to decide. Maybe we will have a real pagan feast with only meat.

I am seeing a change. I don't know if it is really there but it is a change. A bit more energy, a bit more umph. A settling into the hair coming out. I think it has slowed down. I think it heard me say, let's get curlers and a curling iron and lots of hair goop. If it is coming out lets just fry it on the way.

I have thrown, literally, thrown some lights out. Hey, at night it just looks pretty, freestyle. I think I am ready to fact clearing the table and looking at the boxes down stairs. It just feels like work. I am trying to just recover from 2.5 years of hell. I am not motivated to do the perfect Christmas because I am certain for the first time that there will be more of them to come.

I also am in a battle with my child. We might have to have separate trees from now on. I want a white tree with white angles and silver starts. She wants color and big and glitter. It must be from her father's side of the family. I want simple and clean surfaces and garland and ribbon and ............. Oh, maybe I am to blame.

Oh, time to get back to work.

Post-Chemo Depression

It is not found in any versions of the known DMIV that keeps track of those sorts of things. I think M-E has a case of it. Last night she said it did not seem like it was over. I would agree with her but then.......

She said that even though the chemo made her tired and was a constant reminder that she had cancer, she said it was a comfort zone. She knew what to expect and how she would feel. Now she is waiting to see how she is going to feel.

Because of the long use of the drugs, the recovery will not be swift. She is going to work on rebuilding her red blood cells. She has been on the low side of the supply and all of that takes time. Reds are weird creatures. They live for 120 days or so and evidently don't always get much of the bone marrow factory time. They say it will take six months for her to recover her counts. They will increase slowly over time.

I would prefer a bit bump. Maybe back to normal in a week or so. Seems reasonable. You would think that if they could kill them so fast they should have figured out a way to make them come back. Seems only fair.

Here at Last Here at Last Here at Last

I can't believe it, I can't' believe it, I can't believe. I have to let it sink in. Too much going on to do a proper entry. Just know we are breathing......... Grateful and very relieved.

The last dose.

Tears and Anticipation

I think I am starting to breath. I don't really know for sure. I am just a bit edgy and ready to deal with life in general and just wanting to get on with it. For the first time in a long time I feel like we can make some plans and look into the future and have the presence of M-E as a part of that future. I am just feeling the tension and the stress leak out in positive way.

The windows were installed usterday. What a project. Hard to imagine the uproar of 5 big guys swinging sawalls and diamond blades and sledge hammers. This house is going no where.......

We are not Alone on this Journey

the path with us. I knew we had a special bond that can only come from holding another's child while a weary mother goes for a few minutes off the floor or from answering a call from a scared mom that has suddenly realized death comes to these children no matter what the science and the power of prayer. Over the last couple of years there have been times that we have felt so so isolated. No real life, no real contacts. Sneezed, coughs, a weird rash kept people away. While we have been joined on the path by complete strangers, one group that we have quietly traveled with are the other families and children that were on

Well as we are ready to step off the treatment path other's continue and their connection is very real. This morning I read the passage below and simply cried in thanksgiving and joy. It made me realize how deeply others can touch us and their success's can renew our faith in the universe that good does happen and grace is real and very very much a part of our lives. The only thing I wish is that I had met the lama!....Oh that is right, this is not about me.


A Message from the Reinfeldts

Elise’s counts today jumped from 0 to 183. Rejoice!! What this means is that the bone marrow donor’s cells have successfully found their way into Elise’s bone marrow and are beginning to make new cells. It will be just a matter of time before Elise’s mouth, throat, GI tract and more begin to heal. We just need those white blood cells to kick into overdrive. Docs say that to be “totally engrafted Elise must have three days in a row with counts at 500 or above. Shouldn't be too hard…with God all things are possible!

More exciting news, Elise’s bone marrow donor wrote her a brief letter and sent her an “angel” pin. It appears the donor is interested in letting us get to know her a bit. We pray that the day will come when we can meet her in person.

Also, a 70-year-old Tibetan lama made a special trip to the hospital to pray for Elise today. Aunt Mary's relationship with this man made this all possible. It was an experience our family will never forget. We are in awe of the diversity of humankind who dedicate themselves to healing our family – through prayer, kind words, acts of service and quality visits. The blessings are abundant and go a long way in sustaining us day after day.

One More Week until the END

THE END

The end of lots of things but not the end of other things. No more Oral Chemo Therapy. No more IV Chemo. No more Spinal Taps. No More Bone Marrow. No more panic about temperatures that reach 101. No more panic about Cesear Salad, no more guilt when eating sushi (she cheats sometimes,) No more fear of Blue Cheese Dressing. No more panic over other's illness. No more weeks of prednisone or Methotrexate Tuesday. No more stockpiling of odd things like Zofran and Emla Cream. No more medical waste or medical supplies in the hall way. Lots of no mores

Still monthly trips to Children's for blood draws and appointments for a year. Still trip to the operating room for some teeth fixing on the 19th of December. Still a last trip to the operating room for the port to be removed.

We are looking forward to the return of fully operating immune system, a full set of red blood cells, a complete compliment of platelets and someday a return of the reflexes. We look forward to M-E feeling better. A return of energy that comes with the right amount of red blood cells.

There will also be no more Mary-Elizabeth's Bump. It started at the beginning and should end with the ending. This covered the diagnosis and treatment and comes to a logical ending.

There will be a new beginning. At the beginning of Leukemia was were overwhelmed with information about what to expect. I have been given NOTHING about what to expect now at this point. What is the world of Post Treatment like? I guess I will be finding out. As soon as I figure our a clever name and address I will post it.