Here is what Mary-Elizabeth Believes.... Philosopy Paper Turned in. No grade yet.

No Human Nature is the Best Theory of Human Nature

 

            It was not until Socrates, the philosopher, decided to start studying human beings, did the philosophical study and debate of human nature begin. As time grew onward, more philosophers followed and tried to determine what key phenomenal features humans possessed. Those certain features that made human beings so unique. Thus creating different theoretical outlooks of human nature. With each of these theories of human nature having their own strong points and faults, we run into the issue of how we go about choosing which theory is most reasonable and the one we should believe. This is where the four criteria, used when evaluation worldviews, becomes handy. The four criteria are consistency, coherence, comprehensiveness and correctness. These criteria give us a way to analyze and decided for ourselves which outlook does the best at having no contradictions, having all the parts support each other, takes into account all the data that is available to us, and gets to the truth. In this paper, I will discuss how existentialism is the most sensible theory of human nature.      

            In my exploration of existentialism as the most reasonable theory of human nature, I will begin by define what the phenomenal features of human experience are and explain what I believe to the most essential features in the philosophical study of human nature. Only then will I continue by demonstrating how existentialism, the outlook that I believe is most correct, addresses these phenomenal features that I have discuss beforehand. Like every philosophical theory, not everyone is in agreement with it. Subsequently, I will explain an objection that might be brought up against the points I intend to discuss and will follow the objection with a response. Lastly, I will wrap up my essay with a concise summary of my conclusions.  

            In the philosophical world of the study of human nature, there are phenomenal features of human experience. Phenomenal features of human experience is just a fancy way of saying apparent key features, or data, of human beings. Essentially, it is the appearance of what is true about the understanding of ourselves as humans. It is the starting point when evaluating a philosophical theory of human nature. For me, I consider the important phenomenal human features to be that there is no pre-given nature. No pre-given nature means we define who we are to become. We are completely free beings. This means our values, truth, morals, purpose in life, and rules are subjective and personal. In turn, we construct our future and destiny by the choices that we freely make. However, because we are radically free, and unable to escape this freedom, that also makes us responsible for the choices we do make. Every choice not only effects ourselves, but those around us as well. Furthermore, as humans, we are unique dignified creatures that are a part of nature.

            I believe that existentialism is the best theory of human nature to address the phenomenal features I laid out earlier. Existentialism is by definition a theory that makes human life plausible. It starts on the mental side of things, and states that every action we take and choice we make, “implies a human setting and a human subjectivity” (Sartre 10). What is meant by this, is that existing comes before our human nature. Jean-Paul Sartre, an existentialist philosopher, describes it best, “existence precedes essence, or, if you prefer, that subjectivity must be the starting point” (13) when it comes to human beings. Sartre continues to explain what he means by existentialism. In his explanation, he states that, “there are two kinds of existentialism; first, those who are Christian….and on the other hand the atheistic existentialist” (13). Existentialism leaves room for both religion and those who are atheist because they both believe existence precedes essence. Atheistic existentialism is what Sartre himself believes to be more coherent. For him, God is a contradictory combinations of agent qualities, characteristics that seem to belong to a subject or person, and being qualities, characteristics we associate with things or objects. For example saying God is unchanging is a being quality. That would mean that he does not act or is active in any way. Nevertheless, active is an agent quality given to God. Sartre believes that since the idea of God is contradictory, that God does not exist. This is where things get little complicated. Since Sartre says there is no God creating humans and, “man exists, turns up, appears on the scene, and, only afterwards, defines himself” (15), then this means that his theory of human existence is not one of human nature. There is no human nature due to the fact there is no God to create this human nature. This is somewhat ironic since I am arguing that existentialism is the best theory of human nature, which really means the best theory of human nature is no human nature. Sartre goes on to explain that we do have a nature when we are dead, but it would not be a human nature since once we are dead, we are no longer human. We are not human when we are dead because when we are alive we are human. When we are dead we are not the same as when we were alive. Therefore, we must be something else when we are dead giving us some kind of nature, just not a human one. Theistic existentialism does say there is a God or human maker, but does deny that this divine creator pre-exists human nature. What this all means is that with no God, or no God pre-existing human nature, and no nature to define who we are, we are radically free beings. “Man will be what he will have planned to be” (16). All the choices we choose to make, shape who we are and are freely chosen. Additionally, since we just exist, we are part of nature because we are not given a nature. Sartre says, “[externalism] is the only one which gives man dignity, the only one which does not reduce him to an object” (37). He is referring mostly to materialism which reduces all living things, including humans, to substances. I agree with existentialism on this point because I do think that humans are more than just the elements of which they are made.

            Friedrich Nietzsche, an earlier existentialist philosopher, has the same ideas as Sartre. Through a story about a Madman, Nietzsche explains that because the belief in the existence of God no longer shapes the way people carry out their lives, culturally God is dead. Subsequently, with no God, there are no longer standards which allow us to evaluate things. This means we cannot make judgments, whether morally or otherwise. We do not have a standard in which to value or find the purpose of things. Nietzsche determines that we must take the place of God. We must create our own reality and rules. All our values, morals, purpose, and truth are invented by ourselves making them all subjective and personal. For instance, gold, silver, and platinum are all considered precious metals. These things did not come with a sign on it saying “high value.” We created its value. It is the same with salt. In World War II it was rationed and therefor very valuable, but now it is not a treasured commodity. I consider a dream catcher that was my grandfather as one of my prized possession, but to someone else it is just another dream catcher with little value. We all value things differently.

Nietzsche also explains that we invent the notion of truth. Truth is just using words in a consistent way. Therefore a lie would be not using words in that consistent way. Both Nietzsche and Sartre reach the conclusion that we create our own rules, morals, truth, values, and purpose. As a result we are completely free and we shaping who we will become. “Man is the future of man” (23) and “man’s destiny is within himself” (36). Sartre clarifies that this freedom is not something we can escape from since even trying to fail to freely choose and define ourselves, is actually an expression of our freedom. Moreover, as free humans, “once thrown into the world, [we are] responsible for everything [we do]” (23). We are responsible for the choices we make because they not only will shape ourselves, but our choices will affect others. Alternatively, Nietzsche believes that, “one lives for the day, one lives very fast, one lives very irresponsibly; precisely this is called ‘freedom’” (Nietzsche 39). He does not think we should be responsible for the choices we make. I do think part of what Nietzsche says is true. I agree there are those, including me, that “live for the day.” Personally I think that it is not a bad thing to live every day as if it would be your last. That does not mean I think we are irresponsible for the choices we make when living every day like the last. Like Sartre says. “Everything happens as if all mankind had its eyes fixed on him and were guiding itself by what he does” (Sartre 20). We should be responsible for whom we become since we made those choices that make us who we are as well.

       Not surprisingly, not everyone agrees that existentialism is the best theory of human nature. There are those, including the post-modern philosophers such as Walker Percy and C.S. Lewis, that would argue that with everyone having subjective morals, values, and rules, it will lead to relativism. There is no objective ground for any shared values, morals or nature for that matter. Subjective morals would mean everyone would be practicing different morals so no one is ever right or wrong. It would be my argument that the fact that everyone one is free and must choose themselves is in itself the value of authenticity. There is also the value of solidarity which is the realization that the choices I freely make entail that it will be a model for others. Furthermore, Sartre states that although it is impossible for everyone to have a universal nature, “there does exist a universal condition” (38). He goes on to say that the “thinkers” of today talk more about the human condition then human nature. By condition, these thinkers actually mean “the a priori limits which outline man’s fundamental situation in the universe” (38). “A priori limits” are limits that come from logical reasoning and not from experience. They do not require hard evidence to be considered to be true. These limits are both objective, since they are found and recognizable everywhere, and subjective because they would be nothing without man living freely and determining his own existence with a reference to these limits. One example Sartre gives, is that it may differ what family different people are born into, but it does not differ from the fact that they must exist and live. “Consequently, every configuration, however individual it may be, has a universal value” (39). Every ‘configuration’ can be understood by man making it a universal value in that respect.

            In a nutshell, existentialism for me seems like the best theoretical outlook of human nature. It is the only outlook that gives humans dignity by not reducing them to mere objects as well as has room for both theists and atheists. Furthermore, existentialism states that “existence precedes essence.” We are not given a nature prior to existing, meaning that we are entirely free beings that define ourselves in addition to our own destiny through the choices we make. Despite being free, we are still responsible for our choices. Being radically free also means that our values, morals, truth, rules, and purpose in life are subjective and individual. Some would say that this means there are no shared values, but authenticity and solidarity are two values that are shared by everyone. Not to mention that every “configuration” has a universal value. This all goes to show that not having a pre-existing human nature turns out to be the most reasonable theory of human nature in my opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bibliography

Nietzsche, Friedrich. The Portable Nietzsche. Trans. Walter Kaufman. Penguin, 1954. Print.

Sartre, Jean-Paul. Existentialism and Human E

I Remember When

Life was not about cancer and side affects or is it effects,

When we only had one kind of phone,

When all cars used some sort of liquid that went into the tank,

There were only three channels and no remote control,

No one had a blender, a food processor,  a chopper, a wand blender,  a juicer, a Vitamix and a Bullet,

Salad came in heads,

There was just one kind of car seat,

We only skied and tubed,

Salt was not any color other then white,

We did not know how bad McDonalds was for us,

We used sun tanning lotion and not sun screen,

We read books that had covers and pages,

We watched movies in the theater,

Steam came out of kettles and not from washing machines,

Parking spots were not compact, regular, electric charging or now...

 

 

Only in Seattle.

The Black Hole that is Cancer World

We are on the edges right now.  She is better. She is doing normal things.  We are traveling a bit to familiar places.  We are visiting places like the Zoo and Aquarium.  We are making plans. We are at the hospital as a visitor and not a patient.  We are edging to the part of the world where we can pull free of this votex that has held us for so long.

It makes me crazy because I am afraid to believe we can make a few steps and be out of reach of the fear and anxiety and the endless worry.  There has been some discussion about whether or not she could go on a white water trip with other cancer survivors.  Can she go, should she go, will she be in danger?  Do they allow a child in bubble wrap into the boat?

We were in CleElum at Dairy Queen.  We stop, we imbibe, we sit in the same place. I count the number of trucks coming through the drive-in.  During our stay, we talked about the danger of falling out of the boat and hitting her head and bleeding to death.  I told her I would much rather she die in some sort of sporting accident than sitting at home waiting to start living.

Maybe I can say such things because I don't think there is any possibility she would fall out of the boat and hit her head.  Freeze to death, a real possibility.... but again I want her to learn to walk on her own again.

This trip has a doctor, a nurse and an EMT. It will be fine. 

I hope.
I know.
I pray.

Long Drives and Short Stops

Went on a quick jaunt over the mountains, through the high desert, through the winter wheat fields to Spokane. 

Watched Samuel Page become an Esquire.  He has only the "bar" to jump over and then he is off to work on his life as a lawyer. 

Gonzaga does it right.  Lots of good speakers, some  nice bag pipes and a president that looked a bit like Dracula but then maybe that was what he was going for with a bunch of new lawyer wannabes as his main audience.

Mary-E was able to catch up with a couple of her friends. One friend graduated, another will be there next year.  Spent some time with Father Housman.  He took us on as a special project during her transplant.  He some memory issues but eventually makes the connection and then becomes totally present for us.  He had a stroke 5 years ago and taught himself to walk and talk and all the rest.  He will be a good guy for her to have around.  He walked us out and then began to walk like a bat out of hell.  I think ME nailed it when she said, he taught himself how to walk and is like a toddler, he has one speed.

It was a good way to begin to grasp the real possibility of returning her to school.  She is willing to leave the Children's Hospital bubble and feel better about it.  Little connections to what she knows and remembers.  Leaving happened so fast.  Hopefully re-entry will happen with a bit more control and organization.

We have been on the world's longest road trip.  Time for it to come to an end.  Tires are good. Oil has been changed. Car will be washed.  Three months.  We will do the trip again and when we do it will be to end Cancer Part II.  Need to figure out something spectacular to celebrate, other then a Blizzard at Dairy Queen in CleElum.

Sometimes little bits of good news is great news but sometimes it makes you very sad.

A trip to SCCA happened today. Lots of news.  Most good.  No complaints should be had. 
Kidney's Happy
Weight down
Liver better
Triglycerides almost normal  (658 at one point)
Cholesterol almost normal
More vaccines can be done
Magnesium NORMAL!!!!

Good Good Good.

But new cells are still too feisty.  No more prednison taper for two months. 

Long term, its okay.  Lots to celebrate. Lots to look forward too. We know the plan, we know how this works.

But.......
She is so compliant, she does everything they tell her to do. She knows she should be happy. She is making progress but it just does not seem like it.

In her mind, she needs to be off prednisone and into the cute Lucky Jeans she tried on a couple of weeks ago.  She has had several people not recognize her because of her cheeks.  She also had the experience of the tall skinny salesgirl be rude to her at Nordstroms.  When Mary-E asked if they carried any 18s in the dress department she was snide and told her no and sent her upstairs to the old fat lady department.


Lots of tears of disappointment flowed last night.  She was so so sad. In her mind she was going back to college this fall with no visable signs of what has transpired.  

Sometimes the tears need to flow. She keeps those tears so so close to her heart so much of the time.  Sometimes she can't be a trooper, a sport, an inspiration.  She just has to be a sad child who had cancer twice in before she turned 20. 


Tears are healing and help release toxins.  They need to flow and help the heart have a some room to beat freely.

Time to pack the car for a short road trip to Spokane....

Ground Hog Day

I love the movie Ground Hogs Day.  Every day is slightly different until you get right.  What a great concept but like many things it is not a reality. We might be repeating but each day we have to move forward.  I am beginning to see some repetitive challenges in my life and I am not amused.

So, we will try and get away from the drama.  No more cancer in the family.  No more joint replacements in the family.  No more trauma and the ensuing drama.  We need some time away from all of it but then I feel like a traitor because there are some many people that are still in the repeat mode. 

We take a few steps further away from treatment and appointments and do some normal things.  Look for dresses, look for shoes, look forward to moving beyond the 1 hour bubble.  Even while doing all of that, there is a pull. A need to look back over our shoulders to see how everyone else is doing.

Yesterday we were shoe shopping, or I should say Mary-E was shoe shopping.  (Her wide feet must be from her father.) She wanted (she gets to pay) new white sandals.  While shopping we found these shoes.  Katie Elliot has decided to wear ruby slippers until she is done with cancer.  She did not know they were now summer appropriate.

 

We are moving forward with the ability to handle most everything because we have had so much practice.  Every person, every event, every moment of doubt and despair helps you either deal with your own trials or someone else's.  While we move forward and repeat our days we are always looking  back to make sure someone behind us is not in need of help or sparkly shoes.

 

 

 

Major Distractions.

Amazing how filled up the calendar can become if you are not paying attention.

I planned to visit mom sometime the month of May.  Seems like a good plan. 4 classes on Monday only, Only one really big appointment on the 9th.  Oh yes, there is the visit from Brother David and his kids, Sam's Graduation in Spokane on one week-end, some subbing...  Oops, the whole month is gone. 

So on the spur of the moment, I headed to Eugene for a few days.  Some laundry, some kitchen cleaning, some cooking some Doctors and facility visitation, the amputation of Mia's tail.  I am home. 

Mom found a place that she really likes, the dog is on great drugs as she adjusts to being a hamster dog.  Mom is getting a new hip at the end of the month.  Life is nothing, if not interesting. Belle has kicked me off the Wisconsin to Albuquerque cross country drive.  I will be helping mom recover and going to school.

Mary-Elizabeth stayed home and finished her philosophy of human nature paper.  I just read it.  My daughter is a theistic existentialist.  I will put her paper up sometime soon after it has been turned in to the teacher.

I may have to again read all the books she is reading like I did when she was in middle and high school.  I don't think Nietzsche and JK Rowlings are on the same level.

Off to school for class 6, 4 more to go.  It is going to be a busy crazy summer.

Food Garden at Seattle Children's Hospital?

Oh, I will be taking pictures and asking questions today. 

I have decided I have two passions in my life.  One is increasing awareness of the need for bone marrow and double cord blood donation and the other is making the food they feed the cancer kids better.

I am going to visit with the new head of dietary today.  Pictures later....

Fellow Travelers

I used to teach English in Dietrich Idaho.  It was a great experience. As I look at many of my contemporary's children and realize they are as old as I was when I started teaching, I wonder what Wayne Perron was thinking. 

He hired me over the phone because his wife Carolynn thought I wrote a nice letter.  It was an adventure to say the least.  It was hard, and challenging and frightening all at the same time.  But during those years, I picked up some great friends. People still in my life. 

I left Dietrich after 5 years for law school.  Again another adventure.  One filled with conflict and anxiety and angst.  More deep and lasting relationships.  The sort of relationship that a moment, a hug and a cool beer can be all that is needed to melt away the years. 

I came to Seattle and built a life.  A good life.  A life full of friends and colleagues and clients and family and a faith family..... a life.  A life with deep deep roots.  Sort of figured out I would spend a number of years here continuing our life. I tried to escape to Eugene once but the planets did not align and here we stayed. 

It was very good we did because I was not aware of a new adventure and challenge I would face in 2004 and again in 2011.  Never figured my whole life would be tossed up in the air and hijacked not only once but twice.  I would be making new friends, new fellow travelers to add to old.  I have again gathered a new clan of Mom's and Dad's and other assorted loved-ones.  It is not a journey I wished to take.  It was a journey that swept me along for awhile before I found my footing in this strange new place called Cancer World.  

I looked at my daughter today as she semi-slept waiting for a blood draw and realized she looks great compared to others in the waiting room.   We are almost there.  We might have spotted the tunnel. I can now see the end again. 

We were sitting in seats we had occupied when we went to see the nurse for her Pre-Op in August of 2004.  She was going to have a biopsy taken from the bump on her head.  As I sat in those very seats so many years ago,  I said a small prayer and thanked God I was not waiting for the Hem/Onc docs, just the brain surgeon.  How weird is that?

Well as odd as it may sound, our fellow travelers have made this a journey worth taking. 

 

 
We are headed back to this child.....   one day, one blood draw, one appointment at a time.

 

I abandoned Dante but HE IS BACK. Level 8 has lots of levels.... Bolgia 1.

So conscious fraud and trenchery.... interesting if you think about it. The other levels are a myriad of bad human behavior like murder but deep in hell and in Dante's mind this was worse.


Bolgia 1: Panderers and seducers march in separate lines in opposite directions, whipped by demons  Just as the panderers and seducers used the passions of others to drive them to do their bidding, they are themselves driven by demons to march for all eternity.


Pandering: is the act of expressing one's views in accordance with the likes of a group to which one is attempting to appeal. 

In cancer world we really don't get much of this, at least at Seattle Children's.  We do see the adds for places that are almost guaranteeing a cure but they must have anti-pandering classes all the time for everyone.  As parents we have a list of stuff we want to hear.  We want to hear only about unicorns and rainbows and that there was a mistake and it is all over.  

We do a fair amount of "Self-Pandering" .  We often don't want to hear the truth and we do what we can to make sure we only hear the things we want to hear.  She will be okay, she will have a long full life, she will be able to have children because 1% is really good. 

Maybe there was a special level in Hell for panderers because as a group, we fall so easily for the good news. 

Seduction is the process of deliberately enticing a person, to lead astray, as from duty, rectitude, or the like; to corrupt.

I read this and laughed a bit inside.  Oh are we easily seduced as a group.  Just watch 2 minutes of commercials.  Creams and pills and instant weight loss.

Our biggest fault is if we just follow the rules, inject poison and death ray our children, it will all be okay. Maybe just one more round, one more poison.  Maybe if we just give it time, maybe if.....

We are all seduced into thinking it is going to be okay.  Sometimes it is not. 

I don't think there is any harm in hope and I believe in Unicorns 



 

You Know Mom...

I am done with being treated for cancer.  If it comes back again, I am not doing it again.

Yes I do.

Okay.  So what are we doing to do for Alistair?

I don't know yet. Lets think about it.

Okay. 

Where are we going to have pancakes?


We were just standing out side by our new little free library and those words came out of her mouth.  No big talk, not deep discussion.  I told her today about Alistair's failure to go into remission and the  new plan.  We know what that means on many levels.  While we pray and plead and light candles and pray some more and boost our Hope Levels, we know that this is zero hour, dark thirty, back to the wall time. 

I asked her if I did the right thing by telling her and she said yes.  Cancer takes so much away but adds a new dimension to your life.  It makes you cautious to get close to people in your own life boat but the people in the boat are really your best friends.  When one is having trouble and in danger everyone is in danger. 

There are no words right now.  We are going to go have pancakes and drop by the church and light a whole bunch of candles. 

Questions that Cann't be Answered.

Why is the D only good if it goes in one direction?

Where do you live?  By the Zoo

Why do you live so far far away!?

Why don't you have hip hop music on our IPOD?

Why don't you just hook up to Pandora?

Why didn't Jordyan share her brown pencil?

Why are you fat?

Why is the clock moving the same all the time?

Endless whys. 

Three days with those under 8 is good for the soul.  There is no doubt about it. 

I think these last few days have helped make me read,

to catch up on Facebook and my own e-mails.  Sometimes God knows how much your "I am can take anything that comes my way" meter needs to have in reserve.

So my question is WHY DOES ANY PARENT HAVE TO HEAR THE WORDS HOSPICE?.

I have written and kvetched and whined about lots of words.  Cancer, relapse, remission, GVH, Kidney Disease, Chronic, AVN... my list is long and complicated. 

I have feared and envisioned works like Hospice and Quality of Life.  I have never had to hear them come from the mouths of our much trusted healers. 

Alistair's parents have heard these words while I was answering a million other questions.

They are going to try one more time, one more round of chemo and a million and one more prayers.  http://conglomerationofjoy.com/2013/04/23/out-of-body-experience/

I can only report, I am beginning to really need some answers. 

And soon THANK-YOU VERY VERY MUCH.

Here is the link to Jai's Blog.  I am out of words and answers for today.

SO How are things going? Good?

Seems like such a simple question.   Sort of like "how are you?"  How to answer.  There are lots of ways to answer this question but generally people just say "Great."

It is a good question and we ask it as a matter of course.  As the person answering we always makes a split second judgement.  Do we share the reality of what is happening or do we just say... "Fine" ?. Most of the time we say fine.  It is easier than the rest of explanation. Usually people don't want to really know and we don't have the energy to dump on them and then take our energy and try to make them feel better about how bad it is.

It is always nice to ask and I would never ever suggest you don't because that can be awkward.  On more than one occasion there was a moment when I mentioned Mary-Elizabeth and people were physically relieved and stumbled over a few words that when translated meant:  Oh Thank-God I didn't' want to ask if she was alive.

Cancer Parents are not the only ones who do this. There are so many things in people's lives they don't talk about.  Deep disappointments, loss, pain, fears and simple terror.

Our brains help us cope.  I was listening to NPR and a doctor from Pakistan was explaining how his people coped with constant bombings like the one's in Boston. Their country has been under a sort of self attack for decades.  He said you just move on.  You know it is there, you go on with life.  You never forget but it is not a life stopper. 

We see kids with no hair, braces on their legs from, ports, piics, catheters into their brains.  Their haggard parents have given up jobs, and careers and marriages and any semblance of normal life.  But, faces are covered with smiles and gentle words are said to the children. We know how hard it is to have a cancer kid a CK but we also know that it could be worse.  We all move on and make the best of each moment because we know it could be a lot worse. 

"So how are things going? "

"Great considering?"

"Tell me more.".............
or buy me a cup of coffee, or offer to take out the garbage or.......

Good news is such a relief

So we go along and we do appointments and blood draws and more appointments.  It is all relative.

We rejoiced in the fact Mary-Elizabeth does not have to plan her life around life long  blood thinning with rat poison. Good news?  I a weird sort of way it is good news. She is 20 years old.  She should never have had blood thinners in the first place.  But as a Cancer Mom one begins to grasp at anything that is not a disaster.  Good news is something not a disaster.

Second bit of news.  Her triglycerides are 300.  300 is a celebration in Post-Transplant, not off immunotherapy world.  In the real world it is a disaster.  300 would set off bells and whistles and drugs and more worry.  In Cancer World it is a huge triumph. 

We take them where we can get them.  "Oh we only have 34 more days of isolation and antibiotics."  "My child is only stage 3 not 4."  "Mary-Elizabeth has the good kind of leukemia we are so lucky." 

It is a lesson in how amazing the human spirit can be when pressed with imminent disaster.  This sort of thing is going on in Boston right now.  "I only have shrapnel wounds right now." " I only lost my leg." 

We all have the ability to make the best of a bad situation.  It takes time sometimes to move from despair to positive but the ability is there.  

It is raining today but look at the wonderful picture of nighttime raindrops I was able to take last night.   

It's all good.  Not our choice, but it is all good.

Letting Go

As we travel this path back to some sort of normal we encounter people diverted from the trail.  Their child dies.  I so remember the first child I knew dying and how it affected me.  After all this time one would think it would be less of a shock or painful or devastating.  It simply is not.

If you really know the family there is this long and I mean usually two or three weeks from the time of "hospice" to death. During that time there are all these watching of the signs and never ending hope.  "She smiled today and I think she is going to beat this thing."  This end time, this long and difficult process just has reaffirmed for me how much life can be left in a person after so much pointed constant attack of treatment.  


As a parent it is so painful to watch.  After observing many children die, you get better at helping.  Less thrashing around and agonizing and more positive action.  A long heart felt hug. A basket of china tea cups and tea for the waiting. An extra small pot pie from MetMarket for a meal.  A listening ear. 

It is important to agree every time someone is grasping for hope.   There just isn't any reason not to do so.  The letting go process is long and hard for cancer parents even thought we have seen the need so many times before.  We all start it because we are all faced with the loss of our child and each child is "our child". 

We all support each other because we are the only one's that understand this terrible world.   We know the fear, anxiety, and horrible dread of what might become our reality.  We all plan the funeral, or memorial or what ever the final event will be in our minds during dark times.  Some would scream at us because we are commanded to "stay positive" and not to even think the worst.  We have to think about it and know what we would do.  After the death of a child many often comment on how well everyone handled the impossible efforts of planning the funeral.   It is because they thought it through BEFORE it became unfortunate reality. 

I am watching a mom right now that knows in her heart her child is not going to make it.  Their journey is a long slower version but the handwriting is on the wall.  She is spending some of her energy on making the journey less difficult for those in  a like position.  Sometimes it is all you can do.  Help someone else. 

Lots of parents are upset as their children leave home and go to college or get married.  From the moment children enter our lives we have to start letting go.  We have to let someone else hold them, feed them, care for them.  We have to let them find friends, walk into school, have a sleep-over and a date.  It is our job to let them go and be the best they can be.   But never in all our planning and hoping and dreaming do most have to think about letting them die.

Of course it could be worse, they could become Republican Dawgs or Democratic Cougs. 

 

She is an Inspiration.

So this Mama is an inspiration.  She kicked her first babies out of the nest and before she did so she had begun a new nest. 

I saw her building the new nest by accident and have decided to follow her as she goes.   This nest is now very empty but survived the fledging.  Sometimes the nests explode during the process but this one remained intact.

 

So she is at it again.  I found her tree and her new home and she is sitting.  I am going to visit in a couple of weeks. 

 

 

 

Everything she does is based on instinct.  She builds, she lays, she feeds, she says goodbye and she does it again and again and again and again.  Just like the rest of us.  We keep at it.  Nothing stops us from doing the best we can for our babies.  Lots of power in this tiny tiny creature.  It gives us faith we can do anything but she can and does and then does it again.

 

 

Landslides and the little pebbles that follow.

Whidbey Island let go a couple of weeks ago.  In the middle of the night for no apparent reason.  Bits and pieces of it continue to slide.  I looked a the before pictures and it is clear this was not the first slide and won't be the last. 

The land below the cliff was covered in trees and well vegetated.  It had been 100 years since the last slide and everyone had forgotten.  Our memory can fade and we don't remember who put the big stone ups at Stonehenge or what happens if one group of people declare another should be wiped out of existence. (I am an old history major.)

But the important thing is memory fades.  On a conscious level at least. We as a group no longer see a saber tooth cat and have a flight or fight reaction.  We see it as novelty and empathize with our fore fathers and mothers.  Simple. But somewhere deep in our souls we carry the fear of the next cat attack.  We have transferred the fear to other things both big and small.  Cars, disease, asteroids hitting earth, choking on Cheerios, germs. 

Cancer Parents have another list of fears.  Scans, blood draws, MRD results.  It has one big word attached to it,  RELAPSE.  It haunts us and with good reason.  As a parent when the first diagnosis happens, we focus on Remission, then cure.  We work on getting our child out of intense treatment and into maintenance.  We hate being in maintenance because the visits and blood test that reassure us of continued remission are few and far between but it is a sign we are headed to cure.

But as parents living in Cancer World there is this niggling fear RELAPSE is living around the corner still.  It is alive and real and very present.  It is that small pebble letting loose from the slide signaling the big slide. 

It is not possible to live any sort of life in fear of horrible things happening all the time.  You have to let your life move forward. It is important to keep making plans for the future.  It is not mentally or emotionally possible to keep watch all the time.  It is necessary to keep the RELAPSE monster at bay.

We are not even close to the edge.  Things are beginning to firm up and it seems we are going to be on solid ground.  I am going to look away from the once crumbling cliff and hope for the best.  When I encounter a mom or dad with a hopeful story about how long it has been since the last dose of treatment, I am not sharing our story.  We never know if the cliff is going to present itself.

Walking in Magical Places -Woodlawn Park Zoo

Someone Asked me about my PTSD

I don't have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  What a silly thing to have at this point in my life.

I have Traumatic Stress Syndrome because we can't seem to get to the "Post" part. 

Jaxon, a lovely little child, died today.  No one was surprised, no one is shocked.  We are just sad. He was sick for a very long time and nothing worked.  Some kids have that problem.    He will be remembered for his smile.

Our Small Circle of Moms.

We all know that Meb has a dead part of her bone.  She is thankfully not in pain and her steroids are going down but it is a problem.  It is not a huge, pull it out and replace it problem but it is of "Grave Concern".  So how do we address it you ask. 


Some swimming, some gentle walking, some yoga, some high calcium rebuilding chews, do-able stuff.  So yesterday we went to Seattle Children's before even the Valet guys were awake, (7:30 am).  We settled into the Physical Therapy waiting room and it was very quiet.  One poor child with over active nerves in her ankle beginning and intensive 2 week rehab program, and a Chappy kid. 
Dr. Chappy Conrad, is a gaulky awkward guy that takes out bones and rebuilds them in kids with bone cancer.  You can tell the kids, bald, braces on their legs and usually a spot that just won't heal on a long incision.  We were all chatting and in came a child, 6ish, with a pregnant mom. 

Child sounded like a TB patient with snot going everywhere when he coughed and sneezed.  We did not stay but were luckily leaving.  I suggested to William's mom they get into a safer place and the snotty child's mom was not happy.  "He has asthma, he is not sick!"  I left.  I did not have a chance to let her explain how stupid I was to doubt her judgment.  Now, I would have loved to talk to her about donating her cord blood as she was obviously pregnant but had to let it go.  We were off to another clinic, not at the hospital.

Here is my general apology.  I am so sorry I hurt your feelings.  I would do it again. I won't expose her to anything if I can help it.  I certainly am not going to sit in a small confined space with a leaking child. 

We all have to do what ever it takes to keep our kids safe.  Cancer Moms are a crazy bunch when it comes to such things.  We live every day with huge amounts of fear and trepidation.  The smallest thing can push us over the edge.  And once we are over that edge, we don't recover very well.  We have no reserves. 

So if you encounter us and we shun you with disgust, please don't take it personally.  Now I have to find my dinning room table.   

Tried to blog on my phone to No Avail.

We were visiting and working on things at Grandma Mary's.  She is working on moving to a new place.  The place is yet to be decided but there is definitely a downsizing that needs to happen regardless.

Things are leaving the house.  It is freaking me out the walls are being emptied of paintings and such.  Not that they don't need a new home but I guess I hate empty walls.  Since they are the last to be decor4ated, I don't like that they are the first to be undecorated.  Walls with tastefully added paintings and other forms of art give a place warmth and depth and a feeling of home.

We have had lots of homes in our lives.  I don't think any of us are really attached to the house as much as the people in it.  It is hard to know Mom needs to find a smaller place. She and Dad had a great run in this place.  This new place will be the first place Mom has ever lived on her own.  In essence it is her first apartment.  She is from the live at home, go to college, get married generation.  Her children have all explored with a job and an apartment in the middle somewhere. 

She is looking at three places.  The place Belle and I went to look out was very nice.  But it was Beige.  Really Beige.  I asked our friend Ruth about it and she said lots of them were pink.  Oh, I could never live in beige housing.  She and Amy (Alex's wife) are going to check out a couple other places.  One is the Eugene Hotel.  I have visions of Eloise at the Plaza sort of thing but then I have always had a very vivid imagination.

New events, new changes. They just keep coming.  I am glad I have learned to like roller coasters. 

Oh, great thing on the way home yesterday.  We watched a plane take a

 

Tree at my old apartment.

glider up and let it go.... How cool is that!!

Year of the Snake

THE WATER SNAKE        

Water Snakes are influential and insightful. They manage others well and tend to be good for organizations to utilize as staff. They are quite motivated and intellectual, very determined and resolute about success. They will have what they desire, despite the conclusion or outcome they generate because it is worth it to them to not only be recognized for their efforts, but to be rewarded as well. They are affectionate with their families and friends but do not show this side of their personality to colleagues or business partners.

So this is my year.  I remember the last time it was my year and I don't really remember much. It is true, I am a water person, unless you expect me to get wet.  Love water aerobics, hate getting in the pool.

Mary-E and I are going to Eugene for a few days.  Belle is flying from Marshfield with a mission.  She wants to clean out the garage. Mom's closet and the kitchen.  Mom is discussion the need to move to an independant living place.  She has had a hard time since she tried to take the 25 lb turkey out of the oven.  Had she been at an assisted living place, there would have been someone to pick it up for her.

This is sort of mom going to the dorm.  Kind of hard to process but she is the master of her own fate and wanting to make the decisions. 

Because Belle is going to be there, Mary-Elizabeth is going too. We are going to have a good time.  I figure that if we are out of town, we won't have any appointments.

I plan to do some serious plant stealing, plant shopping and then some Alex pottery filching.  Always fun to see what Alex thinks is garbage.  As soon as I put it in my car it is a treasure.  Lots of family fun time.

New Challenges and New Horizons.

You have to focus on the big, out there in the universe goal or it will just kill you. Out there changes a lot.  It can be next blood test, next scan, next itchy spot, next moment of nausea. But what becomes nice is knowing you become better at "Nexts"

Our focus has changed to the short long term again. A bit of forward planning is happening.  Okay so there is some blood in her urine and the docs are all a twitter, we are going to visit Grandma Mary and Aunt B.

She is registering for Gonzaga in a day or two. She has three possible schedules.   She is ready to work on her license.  I have planted two more trees in the back yard.   I start my final  quarter of school. 
We are making some progress. 

The thing I know right now, right this minute, is we have changed our focus but know it might have to be reined in again.  But that is okay.

Oh, Gonzaga is out - go Shockers....

Not knowing what to pray for......

I have a book that I love.  "Our Lady of the Lost and Found" It was written by a Canadian Author with a great sense of humor.  She is having a good week and low and behold Mary shows up with a small suitcase, Nike's and a trench coat (blue of course).

It is almost May and she needs a rest.  During the course of the discussions with her host there is a lot of talk about prayer and the requests.  It is both a thought provoking and funny book. 

Cancer Mom's like Mary a lot.  She watched her son grow and then die.  She felt the agony of not being able to do anything to stop it or to make it better. 

Michelangelo's Pieta in the Vatican is one of the most powerful pieces of marble I have ever seen.  It saddens me that it is behind glass because some man took a hammer to it.  I was lucky enough to be at the Vatican several times and just stood at the bottom, holding the foot of Jesus and looking up at Mary.  Such a calm resigned look.  Not sad or distraught but a mom's face as she holds her child for the last time. 

I know, that the face did not match the feelings behind it.  But those of us that have faced the potential loss of our child know that if everyone knew what was going on behind "the your so calm" look, the world would spin off it's axis and then upside down and we would all just float off into the Universe.

That being said, we do pray a lot.  We pray for high numbers, we pray for low numbers, we pray for 10 match bone marrow donors, we pray for remission, we pray for no relapse, we pray for engraftment, we pray for one cord to fade away, we pray for a little GVHD, we pray for the GVHD to go away... We don't really know what we are doing.

I don't think any of this illness or suffering of our children is part of a grand master plan.  God did not break Mary-E twice.  This is not some grand plan to see how many needle points I can finish.  It is not some huge test I have to pass. Now, that being said.  My ongoing conversations with God, the universe, Mary, the Ganesha, Navajo healing ceremony Buddha, the katsuras in my front yard have helped me survive this process.  I know we have no control, we have no way to know what is going to happen.  We have to survive every single day in the best way possible and only deal with what we face this moment and the next.

I find I can handle it better if I have a sounding board.  Boy there is not a church within 15 miles with a candle left unburned.  I need to know I have sent my thoughts and prayer somewhere so I can focus on this point in time.

Only prayers today are to just get through this week with the ability to pick my sister up from the airport next Tuesday. 

Grampa John and the NCAA

My dad loved college sports.  In "the day" he had been a basket ball coach.  As I write those words I don't remember if he ever played.  I don't think we ever asked him. I never asked.  He loved basketball.  He knew the game. He would have been better than or is it then Obama.  He won several of the pools at our office over the years.  


Belle and Mary-Elizabeth are currently having Grampa John dreams.  Their theory is he is visiting for the tournament.  So Grampa must have been concentrating on Oregon yesterday assuming Gonzaga would be just fine.  

I could not watch them loose to Wichita.  It was sad.  I don't agree with NPR that they were soundly trounced.  They were beaten after a long hard battle.  At least Obama was wrong about them not being able to get past Wisconsin.  Wisconsin is out too. 

Nothing much on the home front but I always keep thinking the other shoes are going to drop.  (We are beyond shoe, we are worried about the whole closet.)  I find that it is hard to concentrate on much more. I have been working in the yard and the basement.  Lots of space is appearing.  Time to go through the house.  If anyone wants anything I have, let me know...

 

Perspective.

Yesterday I was going to the car to find my needlepoint.  Ortho appointments take a very very long time. Shout out to Hem/Onc.  They know how to make things flow. 

As I was coming  and going, I passed a woman on a cell phone.  I heard bits of her conversation.  I should have stopped but I thought that would be rude.  She was talking about how her daughter's back had hurt and she had a sore throat and they had done X-rays and cultures and told her it was nothing and........ RELAPSE. 

I just kept walking and I should have stopped.  I should have waited until she was done.  I should have had a card with me.  I should have given her my number.  I should have found out her name.  I know that she was having the "I should have known conversation in her head".  "I should have known, I should have mentioned, I should have seen this coming" 

It is not the same as having the first news of cancer delivered.  The first time your shock is different.  You are able to focus on 'the cure' with more intensity.  It is so hard to handle the most basic things and work to understand everything you need to understand that you don't really have the time to comprehend what has happened.  You are caught up in the cancer river and it carries you along for the ride.  Relapse is in a different Universe all together. 

While you are savvy about cancer and what it is and does to your life.  You have beaten it.  It is over. It is still sort of a bother and worry sits on your shoulder for a very long time but you are done.  Your child beat it. You have healed, your family has healed, your life is better for having gone through the process.  

Relapse is devastating. Think of it this way.

Cancer #1 is making a volcano in 3rd grade and mixing baking soda and vinegar together. Controlled and manageable. 

Relapse is the biggest, longest explosion you can imagine. It takes away all your trust in the doctors and the system and the Universe.  It takes your very breath away.  You live on the edge of the world hoping to regain some semblance of sanity and your life again. 

The thing I know, and I wish I had told the worried mom was there is a tunnel and it does end and you can make it out alive. 

Now we are not quite there yet but I see glimpses every now and then.  Yesterday was a glimpse. A moment.

So to the Mom that has just had her world destroyed, I will find you.  I am pretty good about this sort of thing....

So..... For Once we get good news, sort of...

Arrive at 2:45
Fill out papers
Called back at 3:10
Sit in room for 35 minutes until bouncy resident comes in...
Everyone is asking about the pain.
There is no pain. 
Found Spot by accident.
Make bouncy Resident find spot on leg.
I find it first.
He looks and does not know what to do.
He decides there should be some X-Rays.

Really at 4:00 p.m. we decide to do X-Rays.
I go get coffee and think about scarfing down a donut for moral support.
Child goes to Xray.
Xray's show nothing. 
Bouncy Resident then says we should have them so that we can have a baseline of all joints for future comparison.
He gets my glare and asks about pain.

I say there is no pain.  He is confused.  He bounces out.

In come Chappie Conrad.  Tall quiet. Doesn't know how to tie his tie. He looks, I ask questions.

He looks again.  Asks where the pain is.  THERE IS NO PAIN..........

Joints look good.
Come back in 6 months.

"What happens to the spot? When do you operate and drill and scratch and dig and create general havoc with her t-cells and derail going back to college?"

Oh the spot is not that big. It is not in a joint. It is not causing any pain.  As the steroids go away, it will heal itself. Come back in 6 months and we will see what has happened.

OMG.  REally.   That is it.  No amputation. No donor leg. No..... Just go home.  Calcium, some weight bearing exercise...  

We went home. In silence.  We could both feel the ship veer slightly out of the turmoil that has been our lives for 18 months.  Afraid to wake up from the happy dream.

Love Ortho. They could work on their flow a bit... Left at 5:30 p.m.  But that is for another day. Right now I am trying not to mess with the dream.

Plan Execution: Begin

We meet today at 3:00 p.m. with Dr. Chappie the "guy" that likes to drill on children.  I figured it would take at least a week to be scheduled but the gods are with us.... I hope.

 

This is a diagram of Hell.  I can't figure out where I am right now but somewhere in the miserable middle.

I am having compost being delivered to distract me.   4 yards... I need to be really distracted...

Here is My Plan.

See Chappy (guy that likes to drill holes in children) before the month ends. Make it very clear that she needs to return to school this fall come hell or high water.

Schedule surgery by Mid-May.  Keep doing the Pred taper and resist the urge to go too quickly.
(Prednison is the cause).

Figure out what to do with all my new garden space cleared by little Asian garden guy.

Finish Blood Sucking Fiends. Do laundry. Take a shower. Order those really beautiful begonias from Brecks.  No specific order designated.