Friend's Funeral's are Strangely Disturbing.

I was strangely and seriously disturbed by Miller's Funeral. I did what I could to fight against the angst. I wore a very flashy red dress. Maggie purchased a boa for me in purple. I got up the courage to stand up, sob and then speak. Yes, I can edit an endearing yet bawdy story for the masses. I drank two martinis and still had the feeling in my throat where you are holding back tears.

I don't know why this was so different than others. I have lost and mourned grandparents, a sibling, aunts, uncles and others. I have been to a funeral for a child who died of ALL. I have sent condolences to the masses. I have watched friends loose parents and significant others but this was different. This was a friend.

A dear dear person that had been in my life the entire time I had been in Seattle. A person of character and class. A person that struggled and won battle after battle. Cocaine, Alcohol, lymphoma, pneumonia, every "opportunistic' infection around. This was person that went shopping with me to Fantasies Unlimited for kinky underwear. This was a person that presented M-E with a sterling silver cup when she was born and her first "Troll Barbie". This was a person that I loved so deeply.

Now there were gaps in our relationship. He had times that his addictions took him to other realms and places I could not join him. He went to "Treatment" more times than I could count. He really wanted to be clean but there were lots of obstacles that interfered. I recall the time he called and was very angry that Medicaid would not pay for a certain program. He called to see if I would help him with an appeal or at least write a letter. I listened to his concern. He wanted to go to a program with "Equine" therapy. My reply was very simple. "Are you crazy, Miller you are going to treatment, not summer camp!!!"

We both laughed together and cried together and kept our eyes on each other's lives. We came together when we could and knew the other was always there.

Having such a loved friend die has made me "weepy". I guess it is projecting how the rest of our lives will be. This is just the first of many such funerals we will attend. We will begin to look at the obituaries for more than just our parent's friends. This is not about counting the days and months and years we will have to live but counting and evaluating the emptiness that will befall us when our friends are not longer on this "mortal plain".

Lots of people complain about getting older. I have always pooh poohed it. Crows feet and celulite and invasive medical tests, who cares. That is just mis-placed vanity but this loosing friends is a bitch. That is what we should be complaining about.

We all have family and are lucky to have siblings and close people with whom we have a long history, they are part of our lives from forever. But our friends are very different. They are people we meet and bond with at different times and for different reasons. We choose to have them in our lives. We share moments, events and things with them that we don't share with our families. The reality is our friends are our second family. The one we build when we have a better understanding about how important family can be.

If I touch one tenth the number of people Miller touched during his life time, I will consider my life to have been of value.

Miller, I am not sorry you have died. It was well past time. You struggled so much for so long. It was time for you to stop all the nonsense and stop this battle. I am so so sorry you will not be here to see M-E graduate or to see what color I paint the rest of the house. I am so sorry you won't be able to give us suggestions about Venice or Paris or where to find the right kind of pate.

As Kirk and Lisa put it : "The world's closet just got a little smaller."