Tuesday the 17th

This picture was on my computer and it some how ended up here. This is Henry and Mary-Elizabeth when he was just an itty bitty pup.











This day has no real significance. It is just a day. One that started out a bit slow but will pick up soon. It is a day of quiet contemplation. The world is a bit dark in Seattle. The clouds are close. When they are so dense, the sound does not escape. Even on the 36th floor there is a fair amount of street noise. Buses, cars honking, construction cranes, fire and police. It is often startling at how noisy things can be.





Things are noisy in my head right now. I am secretly counting the doses of pills I have to count out and the appointments we have left. I am planning what to do on that last day of treatment. Do I take cupcakes to the school? Do I organize a special family event? Do we take Dr. Tracy and Nurse Brundige to Pallisaides? Just how do I make the occasion? We are having a huge sushi party later.




The happy, ending noise is cluttered with the noise from the world of Elise R and her upcoming transplant. I spoke with her mom yesterday. She has that sound, that , "oh, my God, this is real," sound in her voice. It just makes me want to go crawl in her skin and help anyway that I can. To be supportive and helpful and to take away some of the fear and the pain and the uncertainty. Susan is the type of person that is worried that our connection to her is causing us stress. I understand her worry in a way that only a few people can. It is the "I have been there" sort of understanding.





Empathy is a great thing, empathy with life experience is a home run.

We have learned many lessons during our battle with Leukemia. I had to learn to begracious and to receive. It is easy to give and it might be better if you trust all those that say "it is better to give than receive". But then to receive takes you through a whole lot of emotions and internal conflicts.

Isn't there someone else that needs it more?

How will I repay this kindness?

This situation must be very very bad?

Do I really deserve this?

Then I finally realized that I should just go with the flow. This was the time I really needed help and needed to let it happen. A lot of this process was about letting things just happen.

There is so much in our lives we have no control. No matter how much planning, no matter how much education, no matter where you live, no matter what political party you join, no matter how organic the food is that you eat, there are no guarantees in any part of our lives.

We can only count on change and upheaval and chaos and the kindness of others.