We all have very personal feelings about death. The kids think it won't happen to them. The society wants to pretend we are all going to live forever if we "look" right. There is not much that honors those that are approaching death. Hospice is often not called in soon enough because we are on the search for the cure.
I have been too close to this subject of late or maybe I have been too observant. I am not certain that I fear death. I do not relish the dying part. The one last operation, the need to seek an alternate treatment or find a new cure for a loved one. I totally get it. I have seen the odds, I have seen the children who are in the hospital for months then to ICU and then return to the floor and have only one nurse. I have seen and spoken to the parents that are letting the impending loss sink in to their terrified souls.
Having lost very important pieces of my family and close friends, I know that much of the pain is as my daughter would put it: "Seems like a personal problem". We are the ones in pain. We are the ones that feel the loss and the emptiness and have the knowledge about the drastic hole that person will leave. Even after everything we have been through, I don't know how I would survive loosing Mary-Elizabeth. I just don't.
I don't think many would ever want to have the suffering of anyone they love continue. I can testify that watching a child in pain, days of unresolvable pain is the worst. We spent days when the pain team failed to manage her pain. It was a perfect storm and nothing worked there were just too many things going on to relieve the pain. When I think about that time, I know it changed me forever.
So to answer the nice gentleman at Costco. I don't fear death for myself or even my child. I fear and dread the getting to dead.
But to be fair, I also dread Republicans, Chef Walter's food, commercials and summer blockbusters and of course Vampires.
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