So I think a lot of what I do while she is here is manage her life. I am that weird mom that tries to find all the bumps in the road and smooth them out. It is habit. Not necessarily a good habit. She lost a lot of her flexibility and ability "to go with the flow" during treatment. She has a lot of anxiety and part of what I am supposed to do is handle it. Kind of having a tired cranky 2 year old. You learn how to keep the melt downs from happening.
So when she is gone, there is this big space that was created to protect and smooth things out. Sort of imagine the bulldozer in the middle of the living room and waking up to have it gone. A void. Not a bad void. So it takes me a couple days for me to re-connect with what my life is at this point in time. Someone asked me if I was sad. I am not sad. I am tired but should bounce back with a couple of days of getting things back in place.
A rhythm comes back quickly. I just have to be better prepared. I am just out of practice. The muscle memory is still there.
So time to take the puppies out for a long walk. Moon sort of out. I find I have a hard time sleeping during this particular full moon cycle. I just do. Lots of dreams when I do sleep. It passes. Maybe it is because the moon comes into my window and is so large in the dark dark sky. It is a weird time of year.... sort of like these berries. No matter how often I see them, I still don't believe they are real.
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