Day 24 the Semesters vs. Quarters

My daughter is on the Semester system. She and I leave on August 20th. There is another group that does not start school until the end of September, the quarter people. I am finding that it is a double edged sword. My daughter, as lovely as she is, can be a just awful. She is angry and hostile and frustrated and frustrating. The old "soiling the nest" activity. They have to hate home and mom and dad and be "So blasted ready to get the hell away". It will make the leaving so much easier.

So as the time counts down I am both melancholy that she is going to start school in 24 days while relieved that this push pull activity will not go on until late September. The other parents that are glad their children are still close are also dreading another month of the "Why can't you make toast the right way" sort of dialogue.

It is all so confusing. Answer to the issue, start listing their stuff on e-bay.

25....so what needs to be scheduled.......

My list:

Doctor

Children's Hospital with Endocrinologist

Final Barbecue with Whitney and Laura so I can have a picture of the girls on the couch.,

Her List

Hair Dresser

Eye Brow Lady

Pedicure

Grandma Marys list

Safeway for Viva Paper Towels

Target for Scott single ply 1000 to the roll Toilet Paper

Does this say anything about how we see the world?

Day 26...... the school schedule.

English

The Gospel of Mark

Chemistry

Calculus and analytical Geometry

Chemistry and a 6:00 p.m. lab

Computer Engineering

Engineering Seminar

No Monday classes, a 2:00 p.m math class on Fridays...... That will keep her from coming home with friends. We will have to see how that goes.

Sounds like a great semester.

Day 27.... Will she ever really get packed?

So what do you think is more important putting dots on your bathroom bag or take the advantage of a car that is going to drive back to Idaho.

I think this is a very big push pull going on. If we don't pack then we don't have to leave. Mom stuffing stuff into a car seems to be like Mom wanting us to leave. Now we want to leave but then we are afraid to leave but we know we have to leave and we everyone else is leaving and we don't want to be the only one that is not leaving.... Do we need two pairs of black boots, how many pairs of socks. I need under wear, and socks and shirts and lots of other great things.

It is the voice of excited panic. It is exciting to hear that joyful anticipation.

The first car is packed. It is a mini cooper and so space was a challenge but then this whole time is a challenge.

28 Days to College Staying in Touch Options

So we are all worried about missing our children but we have equipped them with lots of technology. We all are very reliant on it but I am beginning to wonder if technology is a good thing. They can now call, skype, text, e-mail, snail mail, Face Book, twitter and come home to visit.

So much communication possibility created expectations about how much it will be used. Even though the technology exists it is not to be used equally be both sides of the communicators.


There seems to be a double standard in how the devises are used.

They can call us, text us, email us, and heaven forbid, write letters. I have a feeling that they love having all the ways to communicate with the parental units. Like it is okay for my lovely daughter to call me at 6:05 am to find out if one puts a teaspoon or tablespoon in the sour dough pancakes. However if I call to inquire as to the proposed time she will return to the family home, then there is complaint and wailing about not "BUGGING" her.

I will see how all of this works.

Day 29 Dorm Decor

In my experience, if you call it decor, it means it costs lots more money than if you call it decoration. I guess it is the less is more principle.

I don't understand the need to buy new stuff to put into a small shared room in another town.



Is it because we want them to feel at home? Wouldn't the stuff that is already in their room be better for that?

Is it so the parents can have a final bonding shopping trip? A chance to decorate a room under parental influence? Pink with green poka-dots?



Is it a way that parents can feel connected to the new nest? Is it a way to cut the apron strings by leaving all the aprons at home?



Is it an excuse to be involved during this most difficult of transitions? Sort of like when we were pregnant pretending the fathers were involved by making them put together a crib.



Is it just an off shoot of our consumer society? Have I become my father (anti money spender) besides being my mother (spending money helps the economy)?



I know for me, I am writing big checks. Big, big, oh my God they are staggering, checks. I am worried about the cost of things like the Calculus text book. Having a garbage can that matches the lamp does not seem very practical. How long is anyone going to live in the dorm and then what do you do with Wall Mural? Do we want these college bound children to need us to transfer their stuff around as well as our own?



Maybe my reaction is purely selfish, I want her to take stuff out of this house so I can get rid of all the crap I have collected, purchased, found, inherited, scrounged. I am in a purging mode.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I did stop at Good Will and may have found an extra long twin bed fitted sheet. If not, I am shipping it back to Good Will.



Day 29. I am writing another big check but not for an extra long twin hypoallergenic poka-dotted mattress pad.

If you are in the mood to "decor" a room click on the title and you will be taken to Pottery Barn for that purpose.

30 days.....

She is getting excited.

I am getting worried, it sort of balances out.

I have decided that each day I will worry about something different.

This is list day. She had made a list of everything she needs to take with her to a room that will be no more than 14 by 14 and she must share the space with another person that is producing a list.

I am not sure why two comforter covers and two sets of sheets need to go but they are on the list. Two pairs of black boots? I can see that this is as complicated as everyone says it is. I remember cloths, a stereo, some books, the all important poster. I know that things have changed but the rooms are the same size. I never owned two pairs of black boots and certainly did not have an electric espresso maker.... but then it might not be going.

I have a new rule, if it does not fit into the car, it does not go.

I think I will start a list of all things I will be able to do because she won't be home. Indian cooking on the top of the list. will that be more fun then trying to get her unload the dishwasher.... YES.

For the Record, Tucker is not on the list.

An I thought Cancer Was Hard.....

On July 13th 2010 I tried to accomplish one thing. One, not a million, not a miracle, only one thing. Well maybe a couple.

6:00 AM: Wake child. (No easy task)

7:00 AM Stuff child into car

7:26 AM Arrive at Oral Surgeon's office to have holes left by wisdom tooth extractions checked

8:01 AM Confirm teeth have not grown back. Holes appear to be fine.

8:10 AM Call Maggie and convince her she can to to North Hill Bakery in her jammies and no one will notice or care.

8:22 AM Obtain triple short, hazelnut scone and quiche.

8:54 AM After nice chat with Maggie, continue to Washington State Employees Credit Union

9:01 AM Enter bank with one simple intention. Make already existing savings account into Savings/Checking account.

10:01 AM Depart bank having failed to accomplish purpose. Mary-Elizabeth is considered a non person due to lack of drivers license. Much swearing, much table pounding, best lawyer circular arguments failed to provide the simple request. We made a rather impressive deposit into the account and left in despair. ( 59 minutes of my life down the tube.)

10:22 AM Return home to obtain certified copy of birth certificate, passport, tranquilizers and walk the dogs. Discover I have only copies. Lots of copies of birth certificate. I do have the lovely original of MY certificate of birth including my foot prints, stop and have a lovely OH HOW CUTE IS THAT moment.

10:31 AM Leave for Social Security Office because there is some confusion about Mary-Elizabeth's number and she needs this for the drivers licence/permit/identification that she will be obtaining if the universe has any cooperation left in its soul.

10: 45 AM (I now love Mary-E's I-Phone. Great direction APP.) Arrive Social Security Office. Put in two hours of parking money and pray we can exit with the required information prior to the time running out.

10:46 AM Oh dear. This is neither a social or secure location. The helpers are secreted behind thick plexie glass. No on is smiling, no one is talking. The only cheerful man is the guard searching every one's purses and bags. People are prepared with large trolleys full of books to read, laundry to fold, scrap books to create. This is going to be a wait.

There is a lovely number system that like everything else in the government, just does not quite get the job done. It lets everyone know which number is being served but not at what window. Therefore there is a fair amount of shouting "B114 to window 6." After waiting about an hour we finally had our turn. We presented the required form, fully filled out, the passport as identification and waited. After some very difficult typing, two documents were produced. Most of the information was wrong. Her name was spelled right, the hyphens were wrong and her father was not to be found. Despite my best efforts, there was no luck in convincing the person she was incorrect: she simply kept saying: The computer won't take it, The computer won't take it, The computer won't take it........ (1 hour and 45 minutes of my life gone forever.) and still I know the card will be wrong and we will have to try again.


12:15 P.M. We are now tire, grumpy and hungry. We stopped by the office to see if I had a check book there. I seem to recall that such an item was needed at the DMV. They don't like credit cards. No luck. Off to a cash machine and then a quick lunch. Of course Bank of America would not give Mary-Elizabeth any money. Just because we refused to open an account there as requested by the college. Boy, we showed them. We are long time members of a credit union. So off to another machine. From a credit union. That worked.



12:45 PM We walked into the DVM, after much effort, and took a number. We were lucky number 405. They were serving number 224. Oh, dear. Now what. Wait, that is what. And wait, we did. We were sort of ready to find a place to perch and someone called my name.


It was Jill McGinnis and she was also waiting. She had #372 and had been there for about an hour. She was more desperate than I for a license. Something about an inadvertent unknown licence suspension that had to be cleared up. She was amazed at what was going on. To pass the time she had made a friend of Number 400. He had tried to deal with his issue on the 12th and had discovered they were closed. ( Budget Cuts)



The level of frustration and panic in this place was palatable. The disorganization, the attitude of the staff and the anxiety of the members of the captured audience is a pot waiting to overflow. One full of sticky icky oatmeal. The staff would answer phones, not update their number, seemed to take pleasure in the process of not solving the problems. They seemed to take great joy is saying NO, NO, NO, oh let me reconsider, HELL NO.... it is translated into "sorry we cannot do that" or "come back another time to spend endless hours in hard seat (if you can get one) and wait. " How hard would it be to have a TV on a wall...-Budget Cuts you know.....

The staff has to be indifferent and ignore the people because there is no end to the line, no end to the hostility and they are required to feel lucky to "still have a job". To be fair there were about 3 staff members that smiled, worked efficiently and seem to want to do a good job. Gray haired lady was not one of them. She came back from lunch and hushed us. Like we cared about what she had to say.

Jill had spent considerable time during the morning obtaining a piece of paper that said she was no longer a bad girl. She thought that if she gave it to the nice people after waiting for a century there would be no cost. Her alternative was to use her credit card. WRONG do not pass go, try and pay with a Visa Debit Card..... ha... ha... ha.... As time slipped by and her car parked on the street came closer to certain towing.... she finally left to put more money in the meter and obtain some cash. I love Jill she was so proud of her $60.00. She was going to get out of jail and go home with a license.

Ha........ It took $100 to clear a suspension, reinstate a license and renew it (She has a birthday in October).... We were all pleased that Mary-Elizabeth found a bank machine that worked. She was finally let out of the 885 square feet of what is known as the ONLY DMV in Seattle.

Finally at 4:22 pm., we had the object of desire. A new permit. A legal form of state issued ID.

4: 45 pm. Sprint back Washington State Employees Credit Union. We decided to go to a different branch. Something silly about not giving them the satisfaction. We arrived within the appropriate time and began the process all over again, this time with PROPER ID...... ( I am sure that if Mary-Elizabeth would have just not pointed out that the ID was expired by a year that we would have been fine. She thinks that petty bureaucrats read and pay attention. I disagree.)

We provided the information and guess what? Her social security number does not work. The number does not access the data base that lets the bank see if she is a terrorist or has written any bad checks. Well she certainly cannot even write any checks since she cannot get a checking account.......... So time passes, the computer thinks, then the big question.... have you lived in Olympia? I realize that her name is never ever going to be easy. It is a constant problem. Some more looking is done and finally she is cleared. What I think is ironic would be that check writing will disappear in her life time.

We sign the papers and then they say.... do you want to order some checks they will be $10.95. I mention our day of frustration, caused by the stupid bank rules ( I am sure those were my exact words) and Mr. 12 year old New Account manager says: We could do this other kind of account but she would have to be first on the account. So for $10.95 we start all over again....

5:22 p.m. We walk out of the bank with a single piece of paper that shows a number. Checks are coming, cards are coming, pin numbers are coming. An entire day has passed. Mary-Elizabeth is exhausted. She wants a nap.

Her observation: We just sat all day and talked to people why am I tired.

I suggested that was what I do all day at work. I don't think it is the sitting, or the waiting, it is the trying to make the other people see the world your way when trying to accomplish a simple task. Dealing with Leukemia was easier because the people at Seattle Children's Hospital had their act together.

So the checks have arrived. The Permit has arrived. The Debit/Visa cards have arrived. The Social Security card with the wrong name has arrived. The pins should be here today.

All in All life is good.

The Elegance of the Hedgehog

My friend Maggie gave me the book and told me that I would love it. It has been about a year and I have been trying very hard to do so. She has always suggested wonderful books. So I read for a while, left it for a while,read some more. I took it to Vegas and decided I was not going to leave until it was done and darn it, I was going to love it.

I mentioned my issue to my good friend Lori Mann. She asked what page I was on and I told her 195. She expressed some concern about my falling in love with a book I had almost finished.

Then it happened. I read the last page and the last paragraph of the last page:

I have finally concluded, maybe that's what life is about: there's a lot of despair, but also the odd moment of beauty, where time is no longer the same. It's as if when strains of music created a sort of interlude in time, something suspended, an elsewhere that had comes to us, an always within a never. Yes, that's it, An always within a never.

I know it is a bit weird but for a lawyer's mind that sort of statement is perfect. We take the issues that seem are Never going to change and then we Always work to make it better. Same with our time in Cancer World. We always fought against Nevers.

(Karen was our Nurse Practitioner and now our great friend. We could not have made it to 18 without her.)

18 and other thoughts

I should be getting ready for work but it is cool this AM and I need to moment or two.

I am looking out the window at 9 sagging deflated balloons. There is a matching pair on the other porch post. 18 balloons. I am so so pleased to have been able to display them. 18 years, 216 months, 1008 weeks, 7056 days. Seems like a lot but we all know that in this day and age this is a drop in a person's life. A nano second in the Earth's time and a micron nano second in the universe.

I guess it seems important because I have been blessed enough to be present during the entirety of her life. Many ups, many downs but present all the same. I woke up on the 4th and began the annual ritual of remembering what was happening during the entire day. kit sort of replays in the back ground each day. My own private movie. I have multiple channels going on. Some good some bad. Some of the movies intersect like the 4th of July party during 2004 when Thomas Kim would not talk with me because he didn't want to ruin the party with news he was trying to figure out how to tell me.

She and I went to watch the fireworks on the 4th of July. While walking I looked at the phone and announced that she was finally 18 at 9:39 pm. She said she was not ready and would like to slip back a couple of years. Her pronouncement was heartfelt and a bit melancholy. I gave her a squeeze and told her that she could handle it and I was not done yet. 90% of her life was in her control and she was more than able. She smiled and gave me that "you are so full of it" look.

It made realize that she does carry some unseen scars. The knowledge that they would heal with time made me smile. I wish she did not have to wait but I guess it is sort of like the balloons, a bit deflated but still a good reminder of good times now and for the future.

I thought this year might be different

Beginning of year 6. Today marks the 6th year that we started our trip through cancer time and space. I thought I would not wake up with a knot in my stomach but I was wrong. I push it away but it still creeps back. So what to do.

I am going to work, I am going to leave a list for my daughter to do. I am going to start thinking about what to take to Vegas as I look take a sweater out to wear to work and then I will just stew a bit.

The one thing I did not do was set an appointment for Mary-Elizabeth to have her eyes checked. That leads to very bad things.

But I have look at the pictures. Then and Now. We have come a long way and with a great bit of success with more in the future.

Need I say more.

But will we survive until College

I am really good at putting things "Out of My Worry Zone". We have been so focused on the end of the year activities that it is hard to figure out what to do now.. ME is freaked about not having a purpose in life, I am trying to get all the pieces together to pay for school and neither of us has had a decent nights sleep in a week. (Several of the activities have involved being places at times like 2:00 AM and 5:00 AM and we have not been in our beds and you can just imagine.)

So maybe another cup of coffee will help. Maybe a longer than usual walk with the dog. Maybe I should just realize we cannot hit all the deadlines and just breath today.

The Process of Graduation.

This has been coming for a long time. It started with a big check for $225 in July of last year for "graduation". Silly me. I thought that was it. I am not the brightest person in the group. I am not sure what it covered other than the gown rental. So let's see what else has there been.

Pictures, announcements, after party, dress for graduation, shoes for the dresses, crew fees, transportation and food for regionals, (how can my child not have a pair of white shoes) hair cut, nails, prom- dress, hair, tickets, limo, alteration of dress, parking money for baccalaureate mass, lunches, I am sure there is more I don't remember. I have blocked it out.

But we are at the end. The process is winding down. It has been small steps this week. It started with Family Mass in the Holy Names Chapel on Tuesday. Followed with Baccalaureate at St. James Cathedral. I think it hit me that she IS GRADUATING. Now we are getting ready for the prom tonight. Graduation on Sunday.

This is sort of like labor. Once it starts, there is no way to stop it. Not that one would want it to stop....

Lasts

Last Final, Last Day of School. Last home work, last trip to the cafeteria, last...... All in preparation for firsts. First dorm, first roommate, first day of college... All of it seem like a great big dream. A good dream, but a dream. There is so much that whips by and we don't notice. I have taken time to notice. I always knew she was going to be my only child so I never wasted too much time being blah about it all.

So we are off to baccalaureate, graduation, all night graduation party and the such. Should be quite the adventure as we enter our last/first summer before college.

SHE MADE IT....... and that is all the matters.

Mother's Day 2010

Boring, boring, boring.... Who cares, I am so glad that this is yet another Mother's Day. I spend Friday fighting about Mother's day and the number of hours and who gets what. Seems like an obvious answer...It is Mother's Day. Should not take hours of attorney time and hours to figure it all out. I have decided that it should be the whole week-end. My child, my teenage ungrateful child decided I was wrong. Oh, well I will continue to act like it is my whole week-end. Do what I want, not do anything for anyone else and then enjoy the real celebration tomorrow.

Grateful that I am still a mom and I have a healthy child. I wish days like this did not make me reflect back but then maybe that is a good thing.

Gonzaga, here she comes

So the decision was made, the checks written, one of a million and the rest of the acceptances recycled.

Deep breaths, excitement and much anticipation. Of course today there was a crisis about the fact she did not receive an A on her AP Calculus test but then she is quite the worry wart when it comes to things like grades.

Grades were the one thing that cancer did not take away from her. She is going to college, with honors, with scholarships and with years of great schooling behind her. As I look at the pictures of her schools, I am beginning to see a theme.... First is Holy Names, Second is Gonzaga, third is St. Joseph's. Oh well. Tradition is the old new.

Zags are winning

She mentioned that we had to send money. I think that is a hint.
It should be a good fit.
Not too big, not too small.

Anne reports that there is sushi, hokey, good solid Jesuit Education, small classes, boys.
Gonzaga is a bastion of liberalism nestled in the red part of the state.
She was accepted to a very small program for Engineering Management, only 20 to 25 a year. It will be a tiny core she can connect with and that will be good for her.

No excuses for not doing Bloomsday.

I think I can make this upbeat

Aunt Margaret died yesterday. She was 86 (I think) and she was a force of nature. She was Canadian and Italian and knew what she wanted in life. In her day she left Canada and moved to San Francisco and found a job. Seems pretty normal now but then it was quit revolutionary. She met Uncle Bill and then she became a wife and a mother. I only knew her as that but she managed her household with the same determination and care as she had her early life.

So what do I remember. I remember her boiling canned corn for 20 minutes. (She was Canadian and they can't cook.) I remember my mom asking what she was doing and Margaret thinking that was the recipe. I remember her giving me a great appreciation for tea and good china. I remember that if you needed a recommendation on buying a microwave she was the one to call. She had done the research. I remember her kindness, and attention to what was important. I remember how entirely thrilled she was that her son met Pope John Paul. I remember her meeting me at the Seattle airport for dinner when I was a 19 and flying to England.

I just hope she remembered some kindness from me.

Mom and I were talking yesterday and she told me Margaret had battled ovarian cancer since 1996 when Grandma Foster died. I was shocked. She was an inspiration.

We will gather at some point and we will tell the stories and we will laugh and we will cry and we will remember.

Futher Adventures of the Laptop in Auburn....

Mar 10, 2010 5:33 AM In transit to KENT, WA

Mar 10, 2010 5:33 AM Arrived at FedEx location KENT, WA

Mar 10, 2010 4:02 AM At local FedEx facility KENT, WA

Mar 10, 2010 12:55 AM Departed FedEx location AUBURN, WA

Mar 9, 2010 5:17 PM Arrived at FedEx location AUBURN, WA

So last night I checked and the item in question was "in transit to Auburn" I was hopeful that it would leave Auburn and be sent out to Seattle.

This morning I visited the "tracking web site" again and realized the computer was never going to be delivered with out something to move it out of the loop.

Little did I realize that once it arrived in Auburn, they would re-load it and send it BACK TO KENT.

My discovery resulted in a very long, very calm, seething phone call to Steve-- he had the audacity to tell me that I should have called earlier. Only if you call do they double check on issues. Tracking is automatic and really just to keep those like me entertained. After he "yes Mamm-ed me a couple of times I suggest in no uncertain terms that he better find that package and make sure it arrived in the office before noon. He said he would get it on a truck out for delivery and I suggested he do better than that.

FedX and the traveling Dell

So, first they build them, then they send them. FEDX is the preferred method. To keep you from bothering them endlessly they send you a tracking number.

On February 28Th FEDX was notified with shipping information.
March 2nd it arrived at the FedX facility
March 3rd it left California
March 4th if arrived in Portland. Spent 12 hours
March 5th at 1:04 am it left Portland
March 5th it arrived in Kent at 5:34 a.m. It was supposed to be delivered that day.
March 6th in transit. Okay, that might be hopeful.
March 6th it was having spa day in Kent
March 7th it was shopping at the Mall in Kent
March 8th it went to see all the academy award movies in 3D
March 9th at the crack of dawn, it was still hanging out in Kent

I TRACKED down a phone number (no easy task) called, questioned the fact it had been in Kent longer than at the factory and was told there had been:
A HUB MISDIRECTION....... Oh, I hope it's okay. It just sounds so so bad. Hate when our hubs are misdirected.

I just checked the progress:

March 9th arrived 5:45 p.m. AUBURN (South of Kent) maybe 15 miles...... it must have been going by giant land turtle

Check in for an update tomorrow.

I LOVE TRACKING NUMBERS. There will be screaming in the A.M. if it is not OUT FOR DELIVERY

Belle is out of the Hospital......

No answers, time is to tell us what is going on. So we have to assume that no news is good news.....

Oh this is a strawberry basket . I never knew I needed one. But obviously I do!!!!!

Belle Seems to have somethings going on.....

Worried father relayed that "it is not a brain tumor". A favorite expression in our family...... Two seizures, no apparent cause. As we all know, these sort of mysteries make us all very cranky.....
More will be reported when more is known.....

Miracles

Come in lots of ways and lots of sizes. In our world it is making it to graduation in good health and with hope for a great future. In Canada it is the Americans winning the hockey game against the Canadians.

I think we all need to be on the look out for some miracles because they can slip by without us noticing.

Mom sent bird feed. The birds will have their morning miracle.

Dartmouth, Who would have even imagined it might have been an option?

She had an interview for Dartmouth...... It am still amazed at that but then I have been amazed since she was born. She has 4 possible colleges and is waiting for the rest of the 7 to reply. Lots of girls are hearing and the rejections are starting to come. I am sure a few will be headed this way but then life is about acceptance and rejection.

Now to important stuff. Norway has made curling fashion the hit of the Winter Olympics. Mom wants a curling stone. As one of my friends said, when you are 78 years old, you get what ever you want. I am sure she already has the pants.

This snow picture is to remind us that there should be snow in Canada.

Chinese New Year and the Pomello

Pomellos are yellow, They are giant and I mean giant, did I mention giant to the max sort of like grapefruit. They start to appear in the Asian Markets in January. I am no sure if anyone eats them but they are spectacular. They look like grapefruit but are as sweet as an orange. They are fragrant and beautiful. They have very very thick skin and lots of that white soft padding stuff that comes in some citrus. They are worth the effort at least one time a year. I regret not taking a picture before I ripped it all apart.

It is the year of the tiger. I am not sure if that is good or bad but it just is. I wonder of tigers eat pomellos or just bat them around.

Some of Mary-Elizabeth Sierra Lanham's art....

She seems to be a very special person.

Poem to be Publish

AWARE

Absolute knowledge we declare,
but we are blindly unaware,
not that we do not care,
we are just deaf to despair.

Ears hear what they want to hear.
Hunger still brings tides of tears,
little ones cry and disappear.
Isn't that our fear?

Eyes see what they want to see.
Passing over those that plea.
We have a will that is free,
to which humanity is the key.

D0 we act how we want to act?
Do we stop a fear that's fact?
Only we can make an impact
if we are willing to interact.

Mary-Elizabeth Sierra Lanham, Grade 12
Holy Names Academy
Seattle, Washington.

No News is Good News

Amy Humphrey met with the Doctors yesterday. There was lots of cancer. They took out what they planned and have no evidence it has gone beyond the nodes. There is a chance there is more in the other nodes in her neck but the doctor is not too worried. Re-check in three months.

So... back to breathing.

Waiting for Results, but Surgery went well for Amy Humphrey ( I am using her name a lot so she can be "googled"

Surgery on Amy Humphrey was long but without incident. No loss of heart rate, blood pressure, slips of the knife that cut the nerves to things like the face, arm, vocal cords. All seems to be good. She came out of surgery looking a bit like Frankenstein but given the 8 + hours, she was great. Bit of pain on day 2 or 3 but she soon bonded with the "special" medicine and is well on the way to recovery.



New words in Alex and Amy's vocabulary: Pathology Report. On Thursday they meet with the Doctor and take a look. The Thyroid and half of the lymph nodes were taken out. We know there was cancer in all of those, I don't know what the report might say.



So now to the important stuff. Alex and I found a sort of Jewish deli. (I have driven all over Portland looking.) I went to Fabric Depot.



Update on the Pathology Report when available for Amy Humphrey, Oregon Resident.

Amy Humphrey Lanham

We were all sitting around and she mentioned that she was not on the Google search engine. She had "googled" herself and did not find a mention. I am wondering how long it will take for this entry to show up. This is sort of a test.

We are all worried about her. She has medullary carcinoma and is scheduled for surgery on Wednesday. It is the only treatment for this form of thyroid cancer. It involves a 6 hour surgery. The entire thyroid and one set of lymph nodes have to come out. There are lots of very important nerves that run through that area. There is a good chance that a nerve will be damaged and because there are so many of them, she has an entire laundry list of things that can go wrong.

Loss of voice, use of right arm, stopping of heart, breathing function. Need I say more. There is a 30 percent chance she will not survive surgery.

Time to light some candles, bargain with Buddha, do a sacrifice or three and then just whine to what ever supreme power you deal with in the day to day thing that is your life.

Now the Really Hard Stuff

So we have arrived the New Year. 2010.

Life has shifted to the future.

Graduation. May 30th.

College Choices: Carroll College, College of Idaho.

Both have offered money but 9 more to go.

2009 CHRISTMAS LETTER.

Make Believe
JANUARY: Mary-Elizabeth and I were invited by the Obama’s to Washington D.C. We stayed at the White House. We had the Lincoln Bedroom of course.

FEBRUARY: I was picked to be the first hip replacement/old lady to travel to the Space Station for a couple of weeks.

MARCH: Mary-Elizabeth was doing some research and located an entire cavern of Van Gogh, Monet, and Picasso’s paintings and the famed Amber Room stolen by the Germans. The French were so happy that they gave us the Mona Lisa.

APRIL: Mary-Elizabeth was picked to travel for a month with Madonna on a tour of Europe, Mideast and Africa. She met with the Queen and many other heads of state. The Queen was so impressed with Mary-Elizabeth’s collection of Queen Elizabeth flatware that she was gifted a palace and promised she could have a choice of any of the Queen’s subjects as a Senior Prom date.

MAY: Mary-Elizabeth and her friends were escorted to the prom with the real Harry Potter and his peeps. (Of course we know the books are real stories and not make-believe.) The girls were picked up by a Broom Limousine, had dinner on a platform in the sky overlooking Seattle put there by Dumbledore. Mario Batalli was the chef. Of course they stopped by Dicks after the Prom creating quite a stir as the Broom is 40 feet long and has a hot tub.

JUNE: Mary-Elizabeth was invited to attend Harvard, Yale, Princeton and Brown. They all gave her a full ride scholarship even though she never applied.

JULY: 17th birthday came and went without much hoopla. Her red Ferrari was a welcomed gift delivered by Edward Cullen and Jacob Black. (Twilight Reference)
AUGUST : We both competed in the New York Marathon. I was 3rd but Mary-Elizabeth took 1st. She beat the men a true first. We were both dressed by Mode Magazine and featured in the opening episode of Ugly Betty.

SEPTEMBER: Mary-Elizabeth settled into school for her last year at Holy Names. She is so loved by her teachers that she has no homework and only must appear each day in class. Her lessons are downloaded onto her IPod and she just has to listen. No tests, mid terms or projects are required. Only A’s will be given

OCTOBER: Martha Stewart finally confessed to the world that I gave her all of her ideas. She will be providing me with gardening, organizing and weird eggs for life. I may have the floor of my choice stenciled.

NOVEMBER: Mary-Elizabeth arranged for all of my friends to fly on the 787 Dreamliner to Vegas. I know everyone thinks there has not been a flight of the new Boeing plane but then it was a secret. She rented out the Venetian for the week-end. Everyone won at each game. The private Elvis show was pretty amazing….

DECEMBER: Central Props from Universal Studios came to our house and we are decorated to the max. 50, 0000.00 lights are on the outside and snow falls only on our house. The interior is completely done, tastefully of course. Each room is a different theme. A tree from each continent. The best part is that someone will be there on January 7th to take it all down.

REALITY; nothing happened in 2009. No big trips, other than a couple of fun weddings. A couple of college visits, some great time with family and friends. A few trips to Whidbey Island where the dogs made dog friends.

We are so so grateful and thank God and Mary and the Saint’s every day for our return to NORMAL.

Merry Christmas 2009!!!!! Sally, Mary-E, Tucker and Sadie

Thoughts about Christmas and other matters

There are things about Christmas I just love. The smells, the out door lights. That small feelling your gut that tells the tension is building.



There are things about Christmas I don't love. I hate the endless advertisements, busy stores and poor selections of Christmas cards.

This year we are going to do some things differently. We are not doing much shopping. Even when money is tight, I find that there is a lot of ways to fill the "needs on the list". We are headed to Eugene and gathering to do puzzels and eat big meat with the family.



Then we will be do lots of family bonding which result in lots of loud screaming and the we will return with stories and deep desires to not go home for Christmas. I think there will be blood when we get out the monopoly set or Mia (the dog) eats a puzzle piece. Lots of cooking, and cleaning up and dishes and valium for everyone.

And then we do it all over again.... That is how this all works.

Cancer World and Christmas

ME is fine.

Others are darting back and forth into the must loathed world. Let's see. Amy, Alex's wife, my former college roommate, has been searching for the cause of the metastasis in her lymph nodes. Lots of drama and worry and well placed concern. Yesterday they determined, as much as they ever can, that she has a form of thyroid cancer. Not the one easily treated but she will be having surgery next week. The next round of candles to be lit need to be for "containment". They seem to think things are fine.

A very good friend's mother with a rare form of breast cancer may not be celebrating Christmas this year. Lots of family is gathering. No one will be surprised but as we all know, even when expected, there is no way to prepare for the loss and hole that used to be that person in our lives.

One of Mary-Elizabeth's kids she was in charge of this summer, Maddie died last week. While Maddie could not beat leukemia, she never lost faith in the existence of Real Mermaids...

All of this has made me edgy and Mary-Elizabeth sad.

We are looking for some good news. We will take it anywhere we can find it. Maybe we have to be happy that when the Christmas Tree tumbled, nothing was lost.

All Most Turkey Day!!!!!

Well we are in the count down. Lots to do but then that is life. I continue to work on organization and other such nonsense. I don't have too much to do. People are coming and it is a potluck. I am doing the Turkey, Stuffing, Gravy potatoes, oops, better go do the cranberries.....

BIG WINDS AND OTHER DOINGS

BIG WIND. LOTS OF BIG WATER. OH YEAH..... WINTER IS ALMOST HERE.

Update: Children's still drawing blood and poking my daughter. In search of the answers about the endrocin system. Oh, is that a mushy science. Sort of like cooking. A little of this, a little of that. See how that works, and then ask you a whole bunch of really vague questions:

Are you tired? Well I am a teenager and am up lots and lots of hours each night studying AP Calculus and Physics, Yes I am tired.

More so then before? Well, I had cancer before that and had taken hundred's of doses of chemical specifically designed to rob my body of all energy making matter.

Do you hop out of bed in the morning? NO, but then I have never been a morning person.

Do you seem cold? Well my mom loves to sleep with her bedroom windows open and Tucker pushes the back door open all the time. So our house is the same temperature as the out of doors on a good day.

Does your hair fall out? Compared to what? I have totally lost all of my hair twice and then just for fun, at the end of treatment most of it went.... But then I guess the last few months has not been good.

Good news, no real issues that can not be address. Thyroid seems to be toast. It can hop out of bed if it is so inclined. The pituitary gland needs to be evaluated. Evidently it has lots to do with some of this. Human Growth Hormone is still needed and it gets to decide what to produce and all of that.

So we sit in the warm house and watch the howling wind and are very glad not to be in the storm.

November has Arrived!

Some how it snuck up on me. Here it is. Halloween came and left lots of candy this year. The full moon was here and we are heading to the last Friday the 13th. Lots of weird days and projects and rain and hail and thunder and lighting. College Applications, planning for the end of year. Making of Fruitcake, a birthday for me and then Christmas. How can I complain?

College Searches and Visits

So welcome to our world. Since I applied to college it has become oh so much more interesting and expensive. You no longer fill out an application, send it in and pray. You have "To show a real interest" . I am not sure what that means but evidently, I should have sent letters of inquiry when ME was born, if not before. One is supposed to research, contact admission counselors, the campus and then go visit and have an inteview and then visit again. It is always good to build a library also.

I can not abide college visits. They are BORING. This is how it goes:

The college was founded ____________. We have great social activities. We have a great cafeteria. We have a strong alumni association that will get you a job after you finish school. A new one. We have our own postal zip code.....

I have a whole different set of criteria. Do they take the Common Application? ( you fill that puppy out and the computer sends it to all your colleges) Is there an on campus coffee stand and can I obtain a decent triple short latte? Is the parking easy? Is it a place I will want to visit again? What is the book store like. So far the bookstores are ranked as follows:
1. U of Washington
2 U of San Diego
3 U of Portland
4. Seattle U.
5. Gonzaga.

How many boys are on campus and how many smile at ME as we walk around.

I refuse to do more than a brief visit and am not packing in 10 colleges in the upcoming "Senior College Visit" time allowed in ME's Senior schedule. I don't have time for a fall vacation. This is a racket...... Maybe after the "we want you to come" letters arrive then we might take a second look.

ME has a bit of her mom in her. She was drilled this last weekend about college and what she wanted to do when she grew up. She said the on Monday Gonzaga was having it's first audition. She would then determine whether or not there would be a call back.

Gonzaga has been placed on the list. Okay, the pizza smelled good. Lousy book store but I was able to see Bing Crosby's Oscar and all his gold and platinum records. What could be better.

Remission, Five Years Later

Sunday, September 13, 2009 marked the 5th year since remission was announced. It took a month for her to go into remission. The way it works is that they do a bone marrow aspiration, for diagnosis. Then a week of chemo therapy is administered. Seven days later they do another bone marrow aspiration. The goal is that they can achieve remission in that very short period of time. Before the chemo makes the kids sick. If you fail the first test then they schedule one 30 days post diagnosis. If the first one fails they bump up the length and intensity of treatment. You are moved from bad to very bad. Words like High Risk and extra phases of treatment are added.

Because of her age and the fact that there was a mass in her skull/brain made her High Risk to start with but the lack of remission on day 7 was a blow. It made us very nervous at the time and I didn't know what I know today. If kids don't get into remission within 2 months, they don't pass go and head directly to bone marrow transplant. No one ever wants one of those.

So on the 12th of September both of us were thinking about the 5 year mark. That was supposed to be when Mary-E received her mini cooper, the one I promised her 4 years ago. But then that was before 5 years of treatment and no license and bad juju with money and the economy. But the 5th year was still on her mind.

She quietly said to me: Mom I made it, I get to graduate from Holy Names. That is enough.

It is not often that she lets us see into those dark worrying places of her mind. Where she harbors are the years of pain and suffering and worry.

As we watched the fireworks from the ferry on Saturday night, I gave her a hug and told her they were for her. For her birthday, her remission birthday, for her survival.

Now, we wait, 5 more years before they will say she is cured.

Matching Socks

Socks, they are a bother. They seem to hide, don't stay with their friends and seem to like swirling in the sock basket endlessly. The theory is that if one keeps putting the socks in the basket they will be matched eventually. IT IS A LIE.

So this week-end is the week-end that the socks are either with their friends or they go to Good Will where people with much more cleaver mines than mine will do something with them.

New Year, New Start and Lasts

Nothing has really changed other than the books get heavier and the days longer as the work more complicated. Mary-E is having a great year so far as they all settle in and begin to celebrate "lasts".

Last First Day of School
Last Classes at Holy Names
Last First Assembly of the year
Last Homecoming
Last Christmas Ball
Last high school finals
Last...........

We count them down and begin to disconnect for the firsts to follow next year.

First year at college
First time in the dorm
First roommate trouble
First time cafeteria Jello

All in all it is an adventure. One of many to come.

Hubris

Remember reading all those Greek Dramas and the long discussions about Hubris and the fates that befall those that think they can control their world and figure things out. Well they were right. There is no control or any reason to believe we mere mortals have any control over our lives or those that are near and dear to us.

We have been smug... Or more accurately, I have been smug. I think I know how the systems work, I can maneuver through the medical crap like that irritating guy on the small motor cycle during rush hour.

Then the E-Mail comes: WE NEED YOU TO COME BACK IN FOR SOME MORE BLOOD WORK. THERE APPEARS TO BE A CHANGE IN SOME OF THE VALUES THAT LEAD US TO BELIEVE.......

The word choices are very specific:

Need to come back. Not You might want to drop by the lab sometime in the next month or so....

It appears that 12 doses of Spinal Cranial Radiation did not make her thyroid very happy. It seems to have been a slow but expected death. Unless the blood work shows some other auto-immune issue- it will be very treatable. Thyroid pills for the rest of her life. Joy, Joy.

We talked about it last night and I told her that she should not expect more than her fair share of long term side affects and that I thought 3 would be enough thank you very much.

So......... Off to the lab for a fasting blood draw.

The photo is of Grandma Armstrong Lanham. She was a stong willed women that fought her way through life. She seemed to be an approriate person to be on guard.

Yes They are goingg to Be Seniors and That is a great thing!!!

Okay, lets be very clear here.

1. We are not losing our children.

In fact I bet for everyone that is upset that their child is a senior will be complaining in 5 years that they have moved back home and are leaving their shoes every where. They are always going to be our children.

2. They will return home less but won't love us less.

Sure when they come home they are going to need to reconnect with friends, they will stay out late, they will not share what they are doing and they won't honor curfews. They love coming home, they expect it to be the same. Just ask any parent that dared to change a room or God forbid move.

3. They were never ours in the first place.

If we wanted them to stay with you forever, you should be remained that slavery has not been legal in the county for a long time and then refer to number one.

4. Be thankful that they can leave the nest.

I remember sitting in a hospital room at Children's Hospital and looking out my window. I could see St. Joe's spire and Holy Name's Dome. I just looked out that window and prayed and pleading and hoped that she would be able to go from St. Joe's to Holy Names.

Each and every step, and milestone and moment that marks her journey to Independence is a gift and proof there is a God and while she has a very wicked sense of humor, she answers prayers, pleading, threats.

Instead of worrying about what it is going to be like to not have an obnoxious, self important, teenager in the house, use this year to re-discover your life BC (before child). It has been waiting for your return.

The Real Story of Gastrocnemius Recession Recovery

Now we have a new problem. She is walking, sort of like a penguin but as tippy as a clown blow up boxing thing. She can fall flat in a second. Seems kind of funny. She did a ton yesterday so there were some pain and discomfort last night. Seems to be doing better now but now the word of the week is moderation. So first I complain she is not walking, now I complain she is walking too much.

No, I am never satisfied If we had been satisfied we would have been sitting around the camp fire in caves. It is important to want to make things better.

Thank God She does not have Avvascular Necrosis

Survivor Issues: Avascular Necrosis (AVN)
Avascular necrosis is a condition characterized by cell death in bones caused by a compromised blood supply to the bone. Advanced cases show bone collapse in the affected joint. AVN can be caused by high-dose steroids and radiation treatment. It is usually seen in the first year off treatment; adolescent girls are most susceptible.
The hip bone is the most common site for AVN, knee, shoulder and other joints can also be affected.
Also known as:
osteonecrosis (ON); ischemic necrosis of bone; aseptic necrosis; osteochondritis dissecans
Description of AVN
Merck manual
Signs and Symptoms
The symptoms of AVN vary; in general, the symptoms include pain and loss of movement in the affected joint. Some patients have intense, incapacitating pain, others experience tolerable pain and little loss of movement.
Diagnosis
According to the Merck Manual, "Early diagnosis requires a high index of suspicion in patients presenting with pain, particularly of the hips, knees, or shoulders." In other words, unless the physicians suspect AVN, they will not find it. An MRI is the most sensitive test for AVN; x-rays might not show AVN until it has progressed to the point of bone collapse.
Treatment
Cortical bone grafts, core decompression (the central portion of the bone is removed to reduce pressure), osteotomy (a wedge of the bone is removed), and hip (or knee) replacement.

I bet they never told me that was a posibility!!!!!

Tomorrow we have an appointment to see Dr. Mankey and have the stitches taken out. I offered to take them out for her and she refused.

One thing about spending so much time at Children's is it takes 2 nano seconds to return to a place of gratefulness......

The Real Story of Gastrocnemius Recession Recovery

Walking, we are walking, the get up and come to Mama moment happened on Friday. Day 11 we threw the walker away and began to totter around sort of like a penguin. Seemed to be a good thing. A few steps, down stairs easier than upstairs. Bruises created by placement of the incision by the top of the boot. Too much walking or sitting with feet down, bad. Feet up good.

Short distances with slow pacing seems to work okay.

I made her unload the dishwasher. As someone said, Nurse Ratchet needs to stop by every now and then.

The Real Story of Gastrocnemius Recession Recovery

Day 10: Lots of steps, only with a walker. No willingness to leave the house yet. Even for a movie. I may try movie and sushi...... I am a very very bad mother. But then we all knew that.

Senior books purchased. Need to have senior pictures taken. I am thinking that we need to have some sort of mobility and of course Tucker.

The Real Story of Recovery from a Gastrocnemius Recession

Day 9: Walking with the walker and stating
"fine go to bed, I don't need anything from anyone"

She is doing way better. When she gets mad, she is getting better.

The Real Story of Gastrocnemius Recession Recovery

So. We are now a week away from Surgery. 3 steps in the morning and about a dozen after dinner. Like I mentioned, this is not the recovery process we were expecting.

We liked the: Walk out of Surgery. Rest a bit. In tennis shoes in a couple of weeks.

I think the first part is a bit optimistic. I think the real story is:

No significant weight bearing for 5-7 days.
Stay on top of the pain.
Add visterill to the pain management program. (muscle relaxer)
First steps at day 7 or 8
Add as able.

Make sure you have a "mobility devise" at the ready and a dad to carry you into the house.
Showers are best accomplished with a hand wand device.

For the care taker. Don't get freaked about the lack of mobility. It will be okay.

The Real Story of Gastrocnemius Recession Recovery

gastrocnemius recession is commonly performed to correct an equinus contracture of the ankle that may accompany foot and ankle pathology in adults. The equinus deformity leads to excessive pressure and pain that manifests as plantar fasciitis, metatarsalgia, posterior tibial tendon insufficiency, osteoarthritis, and foot ulcers. The procedure is also performed on individuals who have limited ankle dorsiflexion.



So those are the official words. She had the surgery on Monday. This is Saturday and she is still not able to stand. We had been told that she would be able to walk out of the surgery center. That was sort of a fib. She was not even able to stand up let alone walk. The last few days have been about pain management, arm only transfers, trips to the bathroom on a scooter that was not devised for sitting and waiting.



Waiting. I am not sure that I will ever be good at waiting

I had forgotten how hard this all is

Surgery went fine. Recover is not. Oh, well there always needs to be a challenge. Everyone is sleeping. I cannot get her to walk. She transferred from one chair to another and the pain was excruciating. Now I can't get her to walk. We finally have the pain under control but she is afraid of that very bad pain again. So. I don't know the answer. We shall see.

I should never just drop by the office

It is a very bad idea when I am supposed to be on vacation. We went to visit Mom and Dad in Eugene. This A.M. in the office was supposed to be for a couple of brief meetings. I had forgotten how bad it is when I don't relax and just get away. So here I am very uptight and I am having my chain jerked by a certain medical assistant that works with a beloved doctor. Let us say, Sally does not take very well to being told how Mary-Elizabeth's medical procedures are going to be managed. Oh, I will never make the mistake of taking her out of the Seattle Children's system for as long as she can stay there.

Adult medicine is a whole new ball game and I don't play well with others. Suffice it to say, I have not killed anyone yet but will be doing so in the near future. Opps, that makes it sound pre-meditated.

She has gone to her "Dark Place"

She use to go there a lot. She does not stay as long but it is still there. Yesterday A.M. went fairly well. As she began to come out from under the happy pill, the reality of what was ahead began to sink in a bit.



I did some reading about the operation she is going to have on the 10th it is called a double endoscopic gastrocnemius recession. They go in and cut the main calf muscle, throw her in some boots for a couple of weeks and in 12 weeks she is back in the boat rowing.
Boy I hope this works......

New Age Torture

We visited Dr. Eva Young today. She is this very sweet, tiny 8 month pregnant doctor that evaluates muscle and nerve function. She has some fancy title but in essence she sticks really long needles into people and runs electric shocks into people's bodies. To make things even more fun after she puts the long pointy needle into the muscles she moves it up and down until it is just right.

Eva warned M-E that the electric shocks would feel like touching a door nob during the winter. Mary-Elizabeth wondered what kind of door nob the doctor was touching because she certainly did not ever want to be anywhere near it.

So here is what we learned. The left leg has the most nerve damage but has pretty good muscles activity. The right leg has little or no nerve damage but the tightest muscles.

Surgery is scheduled for August 10th to lengthen the calf muscles.

Who can believe we are even talking about this sort of thing. It has been almost 5 years. I am tired of all of it. But then I must remind myself that I have been given 5 more years and quit whining.

She is Off to Camp.... If she only knew

My only claim to fame as a mother of a camper is the care package I send every year. Some mothers lovingly bake cookies, find lovely treats, send notes and cards and send e-mail through the system where you pay to e-mail your child, less they forget you are still hovering over them and interfering with all of their fun. I drop my child, after being made to wait for the bus to leave, and head to China Town. I head into Owajima and spend about an hour finding a nice variety of items. Packages with little dancing fish and bears in brightly colored wrapping dancing on the surface and no food label are my favorite. I fill a box of such treasures and off it goes. I figure most of it is fed to the raccoons.

I don't ever send the really really bad stuff. I should just for fun. the picked fish heads, the toasted tiny fish skeletons and other such mysteries. It could be a fun fun package if I could imagine some sort of consumption and not just screeches from the girls.

I am just so glad she is at camp. This is her favorite thing. She is coming back to unhappy but necessary "procedures". Her summer will end August 10th. Surgery on both legs to lengthen her calf muscles. More later. It is too YUCK to think about today.

Today I am thinking about gummy weird candy that no one can identify.