What a Difference a Moment Can Make

So, I have been dealing with some issues with some "kids" .  They are in the Millennium  generation or better known as the ME ME ME group that we have raised. This group was given way too many participation medals and pats on the back for mediocrity. Their tool box to deal with life in seriously deficient. 

 I remember my dad being upset when I mentioned there was not a dishwasher in my new apartment.  He was shocked that I would even notice.  I heard the lengthy "When  was a boy we lived in a Chicken Coop" recitation.  I then mentioned to him that we had never lived there and we always had a dishwasher, and electricity and plumbing.  He sort or looked at me funny and smiled.   He had not thought of that before. 

So now everyone has a cell phone, most of them "smart".  There are cars that are more than transportation.  They have a million I-things and flat screen TVs and fast computers and faster WiFi.  And we wonder why they are so flummoxed about hard work and responsibility. When and where would they have learned? We never gave them a chance. 

They want it all. They want it now. Everything is not enough.  And when that does not work, they are a bit miffed.  That is their bad press.  But there is a flip side to all of that.  They live in this moment.  The Dali Lama would be impressed with their ability to only focus on NOW.  Not a moment in the future or dwelling on the past, only the NOW.  Granted they need to worry a bit about kindness and giving back and things like that but they have the NOW thing covered. 

But you can get stuck in NOW. I am having a hard time seeing a future and making any plans.  I am stuck by Cancer World glue.  How dare I be so arrogant and make plans for something more than what we are doing today? How dare I believe there is a moving forward?  I have a hard time making plans very far out.  I know the bridge could go up as I travel over it. 

Cancer World takes lots from us. It also teaches lessons.  I am sort of slow on the patience and acceptance part of it.  Not happy when I don't receive answers of certainty.  I am sure they are not telling me everything and I have come to realize why.  Too much to know, too much to take in.  

Cancer World reshapes our reality and shrinks part of your world view.  You learn to focus on this issue, this moment, this point in time.  There is always a goal you are working toward but your life is peppered with the knowledge the bridge might go up at any moment. Any instant. Any nano particle.  

However, In physics, moment is a combination of a physical quantity and a distance.  

So I am going to work on thinking of NOW as a step.  A step in the right direction. 

I will work on really thinking about each moment being a step.

Lulu Update

Oh, a million of hearts are breaking. Lulu's mom has been sharing what is going on.  I think that even though we don't know each other personally, we know each other as Cancer Mom's.  I have never had to watch or do what she and her family are doing but it is something that feels so close and so personal and is so real. Again these kids are so fragile. 

When your child is first diagnosed you are given some rules.  Lots of them you can break.  Not taking a child to the hospital with a fever is the one that will get you into so so much trouble. 

Hoping for a good night. Knowing the Universe is a powerful and mighty thing.  Still, from my little corner of the world, this is heart breaking... heavy sighs... deep dark place of sadness. 

Here is the latest information. 

Lulu Ysarua Martinez is on 100 percent life support now being taken for a ct scan due to both pupils fully dilated checking for bleeding on brain due to crashing this am and being without oxygen no improvement on lungs. ...oh my beautiful lulu mommy needs you to stay strong I need you to fight like hell...stay strong the doctors are doing everthing they can I need to see those brown eyes I need to hear you say mommy...hold on I'm begging you....

Fault is in our Star? or how did it come to this....

WE all choose the movies we want to watch.  There is a certain number of movies that fall into "have" to watch.  Then there are the "I can't stand to watch" group. 

I have always been an avid yet timid in my choices.  I went to see the Exorcist when it first came out but I read the book first.  I saw Jurassic Park, again only after seeing the book.  I have seen 2001 a Space Odyssey a couple of times and made Bill Nary watch it.  He complained that it last 2001 years. I have never seen Schindler's List not The Boy in the Striped Pajamas.  Several movies have gone unseen because of all the violence.  Just can't do it. 

Only way I can make it through Game of Thrones is that I have read and loved the books and know when the horse heart eating scene is coming. 

So, huge new movie based on a book about pediatric/young adult cancer kids being in love and dying.  Not sure I can do it.  Several of my friends think it could be cathartic.  The old "this is not your life but someone elss's"   I know it is make believe and the cancer is sort of weird and not very accurate.  Especially about the Sarcoma kid.  I know who dies in the end.  

I just can't quite bring myself to watch it. Now my friend Darlis has read it, Jai has seen it. Tracy told me not to read it. I have this urge to take myself off to a theater by myself with a box of Kleenex but maybe later.   

I already know kids die of cancer do I need to it.... 

Maybe on a day I feel less effected by it all.  Meb is fighting a pretty nasty cold and feeling lousy.  I will use it as an excuse to stay close and fight the urge to pay to see sadness. 

Anyway I just finished a bread making class at an Italian restaurant and I need to track down .00 flour.  Not sure what it is but it makes the best Pizza Dough. They I need a baking stone and something called a couche? and then I need a dough cutting knife and then I need....

Maybe I should just go to the movie and buy the bread.  This is Ciabatta bread.  Means slipper in Italian.  It is supposed to have holes in it and they are called eyes...  More the better.  Who knew?

Drinking Coffee, Watching the Birds, Gazing out the front window.

This font is 

Perpetua Tilting MT

…. Seemed appropriate today since one of our friends from Montana had their world tilted today with bad bone marrow results.  Caden is a sweet little boy that has been in cancer world for a long time and looks like he is in for some more treatment.

They are part of the group from Montana.  Alistaire is one of the kids from there.  I have met several families from Montana and did not really understand how hard it was for them to come to Seattle until I spent some time in their lovely home state.

First Montana is a continent.  It is huge.  You never feel like you are making any progress.  You can drive for days and never escape it’s boundaries.  Wide open spaces (Dixie Chicks) is a good Montana Driving Song.  

 Montana Traffic Jam.

Lots to be said about it but to have to leave and come to Seattle must be a horrendous experience.  Here is a picture of a Montana Traffic Jam.

I realize this is one of the best places to be for treatment but then any treatment for cancer is a tragedy.  It does seem like it never ends.  We all face the appointments, the scans, the pulmonary function tests, the side effects, the after effects, the long term side effects. 

Mary-Elizabeth is for all intents and purposes 2 and a half years out from transplant.  In two days we face the music and the scrutiny of the GVHD doctor.  Blood work, Pulmonary function tests.   Even as far out from transplant it is nerve racking.  

We all face these times with great trepidation and concern but in cancer World, they are a necessary evil.  The Scan Moms call it Scanphobia.  I am just worried.  That kind of worry that requires lots of extra coffee and time looking out the window in an attempt to calm myself.  It is sometimes works and sometimes I need more coffee and maybe chocolate. 

Hoping Caden's family finds good answers and can return to beautiful Grand Montana.