She had the look.......

That haggard, I don't think I can take another moment of this, look. I see it a lot. I see the pain in the eyes of the mothers that are on this path with me. We sometimes are like the living dead. We take the next steps and we just keep walking. We have nothing left to give when so much is still expected and needed We have no more energy with so many that depend on our help. It is such a struggle. I was reminded today of how much help my friends have been.

I ran into Jenna's mom for the third time this week. We met when Jenna had just been diagnosed. She is 4 years old and an identical twin. She was in clinic for her first post-chemo bone marrow. Her mom was in good spirits but you could tell. It brought back all of those memories of the first few weeks. The time you are trying to understand why God had chosen your family for this struggle. You still have a bit of energy during the first month. Your energy begins to ebb away no matter what you do. Sleep is fitful, waking time is terror. It is so hard. She has a husband and 3 other children.

Today she was in tears. She felt like her kids were not getting the right type of attention, she felt her house was messy. She felt her husband was not doing what he could to help. She felt the weight of the world on her shoulders. We talked for a long time. I made a few suggestions and told her that one day she to would wake up and know that she had passed her 7 month mark. That this is not an endless tunnel and more importantly, I told her she had to make someone else do her laundry and change all the bed for all the other family members. ( Hints from Grandma Mary). I gave her my name and number and told her to call.

She asked if I kept a journal and I told her I did all of this on the computer. I told her that I had seen some very sad things over the months. I told her about Kelsey and how she had died but also about all the others I saw that were making it. I mostly just listened.

T0day while we waited for the blood to arrive, I let myself look at the next couple of months. Cake, we have done it before. We have so much more knowledge than we did the first time we did Interim Maintenance. I know what to expect and know I will be surprised. But I hope......This is the last time we have to do any of it.