Moving Forward

Cancer Moms are the strongest, most devoted and determined women I have had the pleasure to meet.  They make tiger and bear moms look like a basket of kittens.  As a group, we are fighting for the life of our children in a way that many don't and can not understand.  (To be fair we don't want to be here, and we certainly don't want any more members.) 

Many friends have expressed amazement at how we keep putting one foot in front of the other. We continue despite the constant interruptions, the lack of sleep, the change in "plans"  and the frustration of watching your child suffer in so many new ways you never even imagined.  When you hear the words "your child has_______________, it's all over. You walk over a moat that is being raised as you head into the doorway. They seal the door, and there is no way back.  

The thing we Cancer Moms do is keep moving forward, even in times of extraordinary stress and news.  We are able to put one foot in front of the other.  We keep asking questions.  We keep receiving news. Good and Bad.  We keep trying to make those around us feel better.  We keep putting on a smile. We keep at it, day after day, week after week, month after month. We keep going. 

As I read the past, now a decade, blog posts even I am amazed at how things happened and how we handled it.  When you are in the moment, you just do it.  You keep going.  You keep focused on the goal.  You keep looking over your shoulder. You know there are more shoes just waiting to come crashing into your life. 

Over time you re-adjust your focus.  I remember days that it was minute by minute.  Drop by Drop. You are always questioning yourself, and others. 

Do I have time to use the bathroom?  
What if I go get coffee?  
Will I have time to take a shower for the first time this week?  
Will I ever breath unfiltered air? 
Will any of our friends still be there when we are done?  

It's hard to know what is going to happen. But you keep moving, and at some point when you take a fraction 1/86,400 of the mean solar day to breath, you realize there has been some progress.  Things are more predictable. 

Life is settling into a pattern.  As humans, we seek patterns.  We learn about them before we are born. We recognize stability in our universe.  If we put the spoon over the edge of the table it will fall, every single time.   We take this expectancy with us over the moat. New patterns emerge.  Some patterns are terrifying.  Some are a mixed bag.  For example, quiet coming from a room can mean restful, restorative sleep.  Or it can mean so many other and insipid events are occurring or not be occurring. 

No matter what, we keep going, day after day after day.   But how?  I stumbled on one of the reasons last night as the sun was fading from the longest day of the year.  It was pretty simple.  No matter what... No matter the day.... No matter the time of year...No matter the news.... No matter, the Earth keeps turning.  The sun keeps moving, and the world keeps moving, and the Cancer Moms keep moving.  Deep down in our DNA is the knowledge of the benefit of forward motion.  If we stop, we float off the planet and plunge into the sun. 

Yesterday was the longest day.  Remember, keep moving.