Back and Forth

In and Out
Over and Under
Up and Down
Happy and Sad
Joy and Sadness
Fear and Bravery
Determination and Capitulation
Despair and Faith
Agreeable and Recalcitrant
Healthy and Sick
Life and Dead
Obstreperous and Tractable


This list is much much longer.  The one that we focus on is

Remission and Recurrence or NED and Recurrence.
I thought it was bad that we don't ever get to know if "Recurrence is going to happen or Remission Sticks.  It is such a roller coaster and so much happens in between.   We are close to the four-year Relapse mark.  We have passed the 11th Anniversary of being in Cancer World.  I am finally starting to breath again.  AND THEN.

She gets a stomachache, or she is really tried or her back hurts or there is a small weird bump or her eyes keep getting conjunctivitis or ____________ fill in the blank. I don't like to be a constant complainer or worrier but I at my core I am worried.  I am worried.  That little voice sits on my shoulder and keeps telling me to not let my guard down.  I am not out of the woods.  There is no exit to this genuinely secret glen.

I visit with families that have just entered Cancer World.  I spend time with them imparting secrets about hospital living and Cancer World survival.  I go to kid's funerals.  Those that Cancer destroyed.
On one day, I visited with a mom who's 4-month little girl was born with a tumor the size of an orange and the funeral of a fourteen-year-old.  Needless to say, I had ice cream for dinner.  It was all too much.

Many think I am just crazy to keep visiting and going.  I don't want to be one of those people that walk away from family and friends when it is tough.  I have seen that happen with many.  It is too much most of the time but in reality it is impossible to do it alone.  I could never have done it without those that stepped up and lent a hand and gave at the perfect moment.

The Comfort of Continuety

There is comfort in knowing something of value comes from our lives.  Some little piece. A moment, a thought, the solution to the common cold, a great novel. Something.  Or maybe it is someone that cares we have gone. 

It seems silly to put much effort into it but as a person who studied history.  We spend most of our efforts on the big events. The big people and artist and the musicians and the like.  Even they have bits of their lives rushed over and forgotten.  The Dr. Seuss with a new book after 50 years, a manuscript found in the basement closet. 

So here I sit.  With a bit of deep sadness that has seemed to come to the surface.  It comes from finding a box of pictures.  These are mostly formal pictures but as I looked a the framed pictures, I realized there will not be any more of new humans that look like the rest of the ones in the box.  This group of genes is done.  No more high cheek bones and almond eyes.  No more big smiles that accentuate round cheeks from under a fringe of brown hair. No reflections of the past, Grampa's eyes, Great Grandpa's Nose, the weird family web toes.  

Does it matter?  Not really.  Will there be children that love the Stacking doll or Grandma Mary's ax or Great Grandma's Turkey Roaster?

Of course there will. We are a family of vast acceptance of the new and the interesting.  We just add some more water to the

soup and make a place at the table.

There is a loss here. A real loss. A real end. The mirror is broken.  No more reflections of the particular group of genes.  I get to be sad about that for a bit.  Then I will move on.  Because there is no other option. Not for us. Continuity is not a possibility. 

I guess I better get dressed!