One More Week until the END

THE END

The end of lots of things but not the end of other things. No more Oral Chemo Therapy. No more IV Chemo. No more Spinal Taps. No More Bone Marrow. No more panic about temperatures that reach 101. No more panic about Cesear Salad, no more guilt when eating sushi (she cheats sometimes,) No more fear of Blue Cheese Dressing. No more panic over other's illness. No more weeks of prednisone or Methotrexate Tuesday. No more stockpiling of odd things like Zofran and Emla Cream. No more medical waste or medical supplies in the hall way. Lots of no mores

Still monthly trips to Children's for blood draws and appointments for a year. Still trip to the operating room for some teeth fixing on the 19th of December. Still a last trip to the operating room for the port to be removed.

We are looking forward to the return of fully operating immune system, a full set of red blood cells, a complete compliment of platelets and someday a return of the reflexes. We look forward to M-E feeling better. A return of energy that comes with the right amount of red blood cells.

There will also be no more Mary-Elizabeth's Bump. It started at the beginning and should end with the ending. This covered the diagnosis and treatment and comes to a logical ending.

There will be a new beginning. At the beginning of Leukemia was were overwhelmed with information about what to expect. I have been given NOTHING about what to expect now at this point. What is the world of Post Treatment like? I guess I will be finding out. As soon as I figure our a clever name and address I will post it.

Waiting

The snow/ice/ice/did I mention ice? is still here. We are all waiting for more snow and then back to rain. i find that I am not very productive these last couple of days. I think a deep river of anxiety is running below the surface and I am stuck just waiting to see what will happen next.

We are so close to the end. So close but it feels like The Terminator, he is never really dead. I should not think like this but it is just part of this process. Okay, I will quit whining and feed the dogs and start dinner and clean up the clutter and watch and wait for the snow.

Snow Let It Snow Let it Snow

Fun was had by all. Snow, freezing wind, Sunshine. What more can you ask for on a Tuesday?

Snow and other Quandrys

Snow is predicted and a few bits and pieces are falling. I am always amazed at how we react to snow and warning of snow. I was raised in a part of the world that snow was common. I was M-E's age and driving in the snow in a large full sized station wagon. I never had a wreck. I did slide off the road a couple of times but then there were people around that knew how to get us back on the road. They use the word snow here and everyone hunkers down for the long winter.

We have been hunkered down for a long time. The enormity of the length of our siege is catching up with me. I don't know how long it is going to take for us to not feel like every little snow flake is a return to the blizzard. Dr. Tracy told me that we would not experience a little flurry, we would have a full fledged Norw ester on steroids. So for now we will just work on enjoying a few flakes and settle in for what ever is in store for us down the road.

The dish washer is running

I have lost count of how many loads but it is well worth it. I can not count the number of turkey left overs we have had. Sandwiches seem to be the best.

We had a great time. Good food, good friends, good conversation. It was lots of fun. Thanksgiving came a perfect time for M-E since she had just completed her last dose of Prednisone. Hard to believe this was the last dose. 18 months of monthly doses. They say time does fly and if it can fly while doing leukemia treatment, then time must be very elusive.

Well time to unload the dishwasher. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Oh, Grandma Foster would have been proud.

Waitin For Puff Pastery and other unknowns

Turkey day. Full of unknowns. Will the turkey be juicy? Will the stuffing be good? Will the pie be as good as I remember it was last year? Will the........

We have added a new wrinkle. I have thawed, rolled, pierced and puff pastry. It is about to bake, as soon as the oven reaches 400 degrees. I am not sure what puff pastry is or if it works or how it works but I have a recipe for an asparagus and cheese tart and I am going for it. I will be adding sauteed leeks and red and yellow peppers because that seems to be what needs to be done. Oh well, Puff Pasty = our Life.

We know that M-E still sounds like she smoking 4 packs a day. Tbe great news is that her bone marrow is happy bone marrow. We all hoped her leukemia was gone, now we know it it.

New ThanksGiving Prayer:
May the puff pastry work and leukemia stay away!

Endings

December 7, 2006. It will be a very fabulous day. It will be the end of so much in some ways but I wonder if it will be the end. June 17, 2004 to December 7 2006. Lots of days, lots of worry, lots of blessings, lots of tears, lots of prayers, lots and lots and lots. I feel like I am no more ready for the end than I was at the beginning.
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The difference is that at least we had some connection to lots of people and professionals and studies and once we found our path, we had a "Road Map".

What lays ahead is not so well defined. How do we react 0ut of the pressure cooker? Do we get the bends? When divers get the bends they put them back in the pressure cooker ( hypobaric chamber). What happens when we don't have a team and a charge nurse and a social worker.and the........ Do I remember what life was like before leukemia came in and trounced on our lives and tried to get the best of us. Do I want to return to that life? If I don't have all the pressure will I try to create it so that I will feel comfortable? I think this ending is more complicated I had first been able to consider.

Each ending brings new beginnings. I guess we will be exploring that for a while.

Letter to Mary-Elizabeth

Over the years I have written letters to Mary-Elizabeth to be read at some point in the future. While they are hit and miss, I generally send them on her birthday and mine. Here is the one I did this year. Since she does not read the blog, I figure it is safely tucked into the envelope with the special stamp and the fun sparkels inside.


Dear Mary-Elizabeth;
53 years ago I entered this world and changed the lives of Grandma and Grampa. 14 years ago you changed my life. These were huge changes but they were wonderful changes. Never would I go back to those days of being childless. Children only make your life full of MORE
More love
More laughter
More work
More joy
More sorrow and worry
More contentment
More pride
More worry
More smiles
More messes in the kitchen
More Wonder at the important things
More chances to read great books like Good Night Moon
More kittens and puppies
More Christmas Lights
More Fancy Dinners
More Valentines
More "I love yous"
More excuses to be silly
More chances to look at the stars and moons
More chances to tell stories
More times to play CandyLand
More times to watch the ballet recitals
More chances to find cloud animals
More chances to go see the Nutcracker
More chances to eat Cotton Candy
More worry but it is worth every moment

I might be 53 but I am MORE because of you.

Message from Elise.

Great friends.

We have had a very quiet day. I took Lorraine to the airport, went grocery shopping and went back to bed. I just could not get out of bed. I slept for 6 hours with the dogs. It has been a long time since I have done that. I thought I would feel like I was never going back to bed but I can not wait to return. I guess I was tired. It has been a lot time since I felt I could just collapse like that. Now the dogs are running around like crazy. Tucker is carrying around his 2 lb hand weight. Go figure. He loves it until it drops on his paw.

Below is a message from Elise. I love these children with cancer. They are in the middle of cancer treatment and they are able to look outside themselves and see others in need.

Elise is scheduled to receive a transplant next week. She is at the beginning of a long wait. Once she has her transplant they will be in the hospital for about a month and the first 100 days are very important to see if the transplant takes.

I guess the moral of the story is that all of us need prayer and respite from our lives. That is why we have each other.

- ELise here Hey guys I know a getting lotsa prayers 'cause they are working, slowly but surely.Well at first I was nervous about radition becasue you hhave to stand VERY still for 3 minutes per beam or 9 minutes on the front, nine on back and as most of you know that could be VERY diffucult!:) but it wasn't horrible 'cause I brought some music. now I can do 9 minutes without taking a break!!!!! It doesn't hurt at all, the only thing is a loud buzzing noise. BBBBBUUUUUZZZZZZ anyway my next (and last, yipieee) treatment of radiation is a 2 today. Also I was wondering if you could pray for my friend Fanny, she has AML amd is not doing well. She is haveing trouble breathing if her (bp) blood pressure drops at all she will be moved to the ICU(intensive care unit). I really would appreatiate it if you prayed for Fanny so she can run and laugh and hang out with friends. She is an amazing 10 yr old and heeps my spirits up when I 'm sad!!! Please pray for Fanny! B4N (bye for now) EC

Half Way Through Radiation.( Someone else and not M-E)

Pale, washed out, tired colors. I guess I chose this shade because of my thoughts tonight. Elise R. is 50% through with her total body radiation(TBR). She is 11 and for 9 minutes, she must stand by herself in a room with a huge door closed to receive high dose radiation. She has handle bars to steady herself and something to lean against. It is not a fun experience. Each dose makes her more tired. Two times a day. She has had 4 doses. Compared to Mary-Elizabeth, Elise is being run over by a freight train twice a day.

This is the part that is so hard. There is nothing that anyone can do to make it go away. Then only thing that can be done is to try and make it easier. So my plan for the day is to think some extra thoughts about good things. Light a few candles and say extra prayers about everything.

I think I have had a constant conversation going in my head for a while now. I am still in child mode. Part of me thinks I need to let God know what would work for me. My Santa list. World peace, health for M-E. Less Rain, More Rain. More time in the day, more sleep, quiet dogs, good neighbors, cooperative clients, you get the picture. I have learned over the last couple of years more productive conversations revolve around understanding and wisdom and acceptance. Maybe the real discussion should revolve around trust. Trust in good results, trust in acceptance of bad results. Trust that what ever happens will be handled.

I have candles lit but I think I have to make my own coffee, It could be worse, there could be no coffee..

Waiting for Godot

When I was in college I went to see Waiting for Godot. I remember the play and even where we sat. The endless waiting and talk about waiting and the hope that the waiting was about to be over, the talk about the waiting being over. I think ALL parents are in the play: we just don't know it.

We are lucky enough to have more to our life than just sitting and waiting so we are busy while we wait but we are endlessly waiting. We wait for test results, we wait for doctors, we wait for counts, we wait for the next round to start, we wait for the good news while preparing for the bad news. We wait and wait and ............

I have come to realize that there is a gift in the waiting. Waiting gives us a moment to stop and reflect and to pause. A moment to catch our breath, connect with others and to prepare for the rest of the journey.

I was always ready to rush through treatment, get to the other side, to JUST get it over with. I figured that the sooner we were done, the sooner we could get on with our 'REAL LIVES'. It took me a long time to realize that this, at this moment, at this second, at this next medical challenge, was our real life. It was full of challenges and heartache and pain as I watched my daughter silently take the next dose and the next indignity. It was the time in the waiting room when I could chat with a confused and scared new mom and let her know that it would be all right. It was the hours in the ER when I realized that we were lucky to have ALL and not some really scary thing like a child with a drug addiction. Once I settled in and realized that this was our real life, it was better. Not great, but better.

What has really helped is know that no matter how long it took, or how long we had to wait, there were people along our path to join in the vigil.

We are waiting for the end of M-E's treatment. We are waiting for the beginning of Elise's transplant. We are waiting for ..................... Thanks for joining our journey.

.

It is a candle day

Cold and rainy and I should be making stew. Really flavorful, good deep think stew. I have the meat out. I have to find the turnips and rutabagas.

Here are some pictures from Halloween. A great time was had by all.

Meet the Twins: Hope and Fear

We all hope that everything will be alright. We all pray that there will be good results for hard things in our lives. We all trust that things will turn out all right but then we also are realistic enough to know that on the flip side of alright is not good.

HOPE is what everyone encourages and we all strive for in the end. Hope is a gift, one that allows us to move through each day and face each new challenge and disappointment, we just keep hoping. It seems to endless and boundless but so is it's twin FEAR.

I guess it sort of makes sense that we don't even need Hope if Fear was not around to make us wary. Wary of the future, question our past and uncertain of the present. Fear drives us to take those next steps, Hope gives us the ability to do so.

We have traveled this journey of "treatment" for her leukemia because of our fear of the alternative. Hope has been our mainstay. We have all tried to hang on it it knowing that sometimes hope, good thoughts, faith, candles, pilgrimages, a corner of Marys, healing ceremonys, time and all other good things in the universe aren't enough. That is when we turn away from our fears and hope again for the best and right answer.

Pumpkins

We have done our duty, sacrificed perfectly innocent pumpkins and formed them into shapes that are humiliating but cute. Candy is hiding in the car because I have no ability to use it for it's designed purpose. We are ready for Halloween.

Dark Mornings but bright Afternoons

It has been very dark and icky and cold and foggy but then the sun comes through. Waiting for the bright makes the cold and icky tolerable.

We are in some fog right now. Waiting for this to be over. I have been told that when we are done I will be a nervous wreck. I will be anxious and worried and not able to concentrate. I will be sure that every sneeze is a signal.

I wonder what I have been doing for the last two and a half years. Oh, well. We shall see what all of that turns out. I don't know why we would be more worried given that we will still be going to the clinic every month. Sort of like it is now.

World of wisdom from Mary Lanham. One of my family members was complaining to my mom. She asked if they could see the end of the tunnel and they whined no. My mom told them to "Quit looking"

I guess that says it all.

Well When it Rains is Pours

I could not think of a better title for today. Buckets are being dumped all over Seattle. Yes, we are surprized each and every time it rains here. We are really shocked when it pour and is dark and the storm sewers fill up and the streets flood and the cars slide and the fog rolls in and the crashes begin. People always say, "Well it is Seattle, What do you Expect?" And those of us here always agree and then continue to be amazed.

That is sort of where I am today. Amazed, Shocked and not very prepared. M-E has been sick since last Wednesday. Sore throat, head ache, body ache and then cough and nose running and more aches. It should be old hat by now. Some child went to school and spewed germs into the air and my daughter was in the way. She was able to fight it off mostly but then since she carries around less than half a normal white blood count she could only fight so long.

So day 7. She is home, I am at work, I can only be gone so long and she is freaked. She has missed so much school she is feeling overwhelmed.

I guess the conversation should go like this: "Well, she does have Leukemia!, What do you expect?".


I guess "expect" is not the right word. Hope is a better word. I hope we can make it through the next 2 months. I hope she can get caught up with school. I hope she does not fall so deep into a funk that she can come out of it. I hope we can get back to the place that flu lasts a couple of days and colds only bother her for a few days.

Maybe in Seattle we hope for sunshine.

Tuesday the 17th

This picture was on my computer and it some how ended up here. This is Henry and Mary-Elizabeth when he was just an itty bitty pup.











This day has no real significance. It is just a day. One that started out a bit slow but will pick up soon. It is a day of quiet contemplation. The world is a bit dark in Seattle. The clouds are close. When they are so dense, the sound does not escape. Even on the 36th floor there is a fair amount of street noise. Buses, cars honking, construction cranes, fire and police. It is often startling at how noisy things can be.





Things are noisy in my head right now. I am secretly counting the doses of pills I have to count out and the appointments we have left. I am planning what to do on that last day of treatment. Do I take cupcakes to the school? Do I organize a special family event? Do we take Dr. Tracy and Nurse Brundige to Pallisaides? Just how do I make the occasion? We are having a huge sushi party later.




The happy, ending noise is cluttered with the noise from the world of Elise R and her upcoming transplant. I spoke with her mom yesterday. She has that sound, that , "oh, my God, this is real," sound in her voice. It just makes me want to go crawl in her skin and help anyway that I can. To be supportive and helpful and to take away some of the fear and the pain and the uncertainty. Susan is the type of person that is worried that our connection to her is causing us stress. I understand her worry in a way that only a few people can. It is the "I have been there" sort of understanding.





Empathy is a great thing, empathy with life experience is a home run.

We have learned many lessons during our battle with Leukemia. I had to learn to begracious and to receive. It is easy to give and it might be better if you trust all those that say "it is better to give than receive". But then to receive takes you through a whole lot of emotions and internal conflicts.

Isn't there someone else that needs it more?

How will I repay this kindness?

This situation must be very very bad?

Do I really deserve this?

Then I finally realized that I should just go with the flow. This was the time I really needed help and needed to let it happen. A lot of this process was about letting things just happen.

There is so much in our lives we have no control. No matter how much planning, no matter how much education, no matter where you live, no matter what political party you join, no matter how organic the food is that you eat, there are no guarantees in any part of our lives.

We can only count on change and upheaval and chaos and the kindness of others.

Message to a Friend.

Today Elise goes to the Fred Hutchinson the "Hutch" to begin the evaluation for a transplant. She is the child that was diagnosed with ALL in July of this year. While she has ALL she also has a brand that is laughing at Chemo Therapy. She has skipped 2.5 years of treatment and gone straight to transplant.

Transplant world is another universe. It is full of lots and lots of tests and appointments a the Hutch. Then if all goes well and there is no evidence of cancer in her system, she does a few days of total body radiation. When every part of her bone marrow is dead she gets new batch and then waits. There are a magic 100 days.

Her mom was anxious the other day and I sent her the following e-mail. As I wrote it, I realized how hard this has been. Sometimes I look back and wonder how we made it to the end of this deep dark tunnel.

Message to Susan R.

I have been working on getting my blog in some sort of order, in notebooks and ready for a serious read through and edit. I have been re-reading the entries from two years ago and find that I did much more screaming. Pleading was my thought but just being angry at God was a part of it. I found little solace in any of the screaming but loved that God let me do it and would not think less of me. I complained a lot to Mary. I was not raised Catholic but I love that there are lots of saints that seem to have different jobs. I am sure there is an organizational chart somewhere.

This whole process is so hard on so many levels. So much pain our children have to endure. The disappointments are deep and lasting and ones we never want them to even know about. There is no way that they will not carry scars away from this process. Physical and emotional. It is just how it is and so hard to accept. Mary-Elizabeth has the kind of skin that creates big scars. She has hugh striation of her skin from the rapid weight loss and gain from the steroids. Her port scar will fade at some point but will be there all her life. She has 6 dot tattoos that will be with her. I asked about removal but they said they were a message to her future doctors and needed to stay. Future Doctors. Is that a good statement or a bad one. Do we want them to have to see doctors all their life or should there be solace that they will see them in their future.

It has taken me a long time to process all of this. All the vast changes and detours that Leukemia brings for everyone. There are no magic words, it is sort of like giving birth. A process and no way to short circuit the system, 9 months are required. The difference is that we have a much better idea about the outcome.

Our children know that we have expectations that involve them. They know that they receive lots of good cu dos for doing well in sports and school and being great people. It becomes a part of who they are and how they see themselves. The adopt our expectations and make them there own. Many of them are sort of warped in the process. I was running around making an elaborate costume for M-E when she was little. It had feathers and jewels and lace and......... (over the top). I was upset that it was not coming out right. My very wise mom asked me what I was doing and why and I told her I was being a good mom and making a special costume for Mary-Elizabeth. Mom sort of laughed and asked if I remembered her ever doing more than cutting a couple of holes in a sheets and announcing that I was a ghost. I had to laugh.

I have thought a lot about those expectations during the last couple of years. M-E played basket ball and Volley Ball she was signed up for crew. She was a leader in school projects and chosen to do lots of special things. She received straight A's. It was so so hard to have times during treatment when the days activities was a trip from the bed to the shower to the couch to the bed. I have to fight all the time to not push more. The bikes are in the garage. Greenlake can be a short walk. Movies can be rented on DVDs. Books can be listened to on tape when the brain is recovering from radiation. The affects of Vincristine wear off. The body does come back. Now no one can say how or to what extent.

Adaptable, they are adaptable. I wish I could be more so but then what I have learned is that people look at you and me and all the other mothers and are amazed at what we have done, what we have to do and how we are still able to face most days. The need to have maintain strength for our families and our children and ourselves does work. One small step at a time. One small miracle at a time. It is so hard and so discouraging.

Ms. Susan your daughter will make it through all of this. Jared will be a better person for having this experience. You and Michael will never take a moment for granted.

Well I have to go and pretend to be a lawyer. It is Friday the 13th and M-E is home. This is her most hated day. She was diagnosed 26 months ago. I can so remember being at month 2 and 3 and wondering how we were going to make it through. But we keep at it. I don't know when it will feel like we are through.

Good luck at the Hutch.

Before and Afters

See, it takes time to arrive a the final result. Time and patience. I still have not learned patience. Someday, if I am patient and learn more common sense.

Last night Idid something so stupid. I told M-E that I was not going to put up with "the hair in her eyes" much longer.

Oh, my god. The wrath and tears and the........ it was ugly. I was read the riot act about how she had to be different from everyone else for two years and now she could be like they were..... fill in the blanks. Then the tears and the sadness and the realization by the mother that all that time she was so "okay" without hair was just not the truth.

This child had depths that keep surprizing me. Sort of like my walls. I guess sometimes we have to open them up, examine them and then fix them again.

Now, how do we fix me. What Mother can keep her mouth shut about hair?????

Each Day a Step Closer

A bit of the back splash. We started painting tiles in June of 2004. I guess it is appropriate that they are going up now.

The Good Things in LIFE are very very Messy

I have not even counted yet. I know the following. We have no more jelly jars left, some of the rings were stolen from already sealed jars, we went through almost 40 pounds of sugar. You can buy organic 100% lemon juice. All the batches were made with grape and black berry juice but one. We still have juice canned for next year. I won't let anyone know what they are getting for Christmas.

Life is so so messy but the best things come from those messes when you let the chaos reign.

A View From A Very Different Place.

I took a reluctant and sleepy child to Children's for the day yesterday. She had to do a Neuro Psyche evaluation. They are trying to figure out, what, if anything was done to her brain during this process.

Go figure, radiation and chemo into your brain does not always create the best result for learning ability. I wonder why that would be? Anyway this is the second. There will be another one in about 18 months.

I must not have gone on the first one. I do not recall spending endless hours in the waiting room. Don't be mistaken, this is a great place to wait. It is in the new wing and all the walls are such a soothing color of hospital white, not quite white with lots of colored fish.

I was struck by the difference in the two waiting rooms. At Hem/Onc the kids are bald, and sick and carry around feeding tubes. They are generally quiet. The parents are accommodating and worried. There are some upset parents but generally children are treated with care and concern. As we all sit there we all know that we are fighting a mighty battle. Our tools are few but we use them with gusto. There is a lot of sharing between parents. Parents have spent time with each other in the waiting area, on the floor and in the cafeteria. There is sense of belonging, a sense that we have to support each other because no one else can understand what we go through.

Parents come into the psych waiting room and they are very much alone. The child looks normal but you know that they would not be sitting and waiting if there was not a problem. Not in the middle of the day. They seem lost, don't talk with each other and have that " This is overwhelming" aire about them. Lots of short tempers and lots of child "management".. Joel was there yesterday. He came in and went straight to the video game machine. He looked at his selection, hooked it up and then began to play. His father stopped him and asked that he look at him. Then the dad said,

Now, Joel , Dr. X will be out soon. When he comes out and it is time to go in to see him I don't want to hear from you: Let me finish, I am almost done, I want to get to this last place, just a minute, Can I have 5 more minutes." Joel agreed. Father was happy and then Dr. X came out. Joel was told it was time to stop and he said: May I have more time Please." The father had that look on his face. The, "I can not win, no matter what I do or what I say"look. Joel had not violated his terms of play. Now this is a child that would make a great lawyer.

Shame, I felt shame in the room as the parents trapesed by with surly children. If felt frustration as they tried to cope. I felt a certain amount of despair.

We all have children in trouble in one way or another. No one is there because it is a fun place to hang out.

I think Hem/Onc is running on Hope. Hope for a cure, hope for no sideaffects, hope for a good future for the kids. We live with uncertainty but it is an uncertainty that can keep be measured and test and counted in some way. In the Psyc department there are no real measures, not way to tell if things are better or how they will progress. The Mind is such a strange part of our body.

I am glad I spend more time in Hem/Onc than Psyc. Who ever thought that would be the case.

Wise Words

"Teresa has been given a cup of tea in the front hall of New Waterford General Hospital. The head nursing sister was the first to come across her. If it had been that nice young intern from away, the hysterical woman would have been given a shot in the vein instead of a cup of tea. The head nurse, however, has noticed whether they drink the tea or not, the mere act of reaching out to receive something that must not be spilled seems to have a profoundly calming effect on all but the downright insane." Fall on Your Knees by Ann-Marie Macdonald

I love the thought. She is so right. We have received a million cups of tea. We have served a half million more.

We are so so close. We received our last calendar. This should all be over by December 22. She has her last spinal tap with a bone marrow biopsy at the end of November. If everything is clean, she finishes her last oral chemo on December 7th. Then one more surgery to remove the port. We begged to keep the port but they would not let her. Something about infection risk. They are so worried about that sort of thing. Go figure.

I had a long talk with someone about relapse. I guess I am hoping I can really hear about it now. So here is the scoop. If children relapse during treatment the tumor is usually a close relative of the original almost a clone. It sort of goes away, feeds on the chemo and comes back with a vengeance. It is not pretty. Transplant, 30% quality of life discussions, a place that tea would be a constant companion.

If the child relapses post-treatment, it is a completely new kind of cancer and you start again. This stuff is tricky. It is smart, it is evil. It flys under the radar and does lots of damage before you even know.

We are focusing on the:

If you make it through treatment and don't relapse you chance of getting it again is like that of any other person. I am going for lightning not striking again.

I will be needing lots of tea for the next few months and then maybe a stiff shot after that.

New Floor for the Kitchen.

Here is the new floor. Some say I need solid colored rugs. Most might think I need a new sense of color and taste. I just love my floor. So did the floor guy. He came here first and then went to pick up his stuff. The guys in the store were concerned someone had written down the wrong numbers. Silly boys.

I Have Been to The World of "You don't have to make a choice, you can have it all."

But not in a bad way. You don't have to choose anything when you are on a cruise. If you want Venison and Crab and Lamb, you order it all. No reason to deny yourself anything. I even had extra brussel sprouts because I love them.

I am back. I have almost no pictures but I had a great time. Margaret and Mary-Jane and I left for Vancouver on Saturday. We drove up and stopped to see Simon. Of course we took him to lunch. One must always feed the college students. I ran into my cousin Jean.

We entered Canada and found all the special places that we wanted to shop. What a great place! We went to a place Margaret loves called Noddys Bon Tons. We had tea and had our cards read by a little old white haired Scottish guy. I totally agreed with everything he said about Margaret and Mary-Jane. Mine of course was only partly right. Good stuff right, bad stuff wrong. He said I was bossy and controlling. See, not right.

We had a good Italian dinner and then entered the cruise ship. I made spa appointments and we started to relax. What a way to live. Only decision, where shall we hang out and relax next? We meet some great people, the guy that developed Alpental, sold it and moved to Sun Valley. A guy that was from Florida, DEA, FBI, and once we decided politics would not be our dinner conversation, we did great. Lydia, the little 81 year old Scottish lady. She had been a florist and did Margaret Trudeu's wedding. She loved when we asked for her shortbread recipe. (Guess what everyone gets for Christmas).

Lots of sleep, lots of rest, some book reading, some show watching, movie watching and just watching the ocean go by.

Great trip, thanks for all everyone did to make sure I had a good rest. I would go again.

The Right Direction

My "leaving town by myself " management skills are not the greatest. I am just a bit rusty. I guess I really have not left for a very long time. Margaret and I are supposed to be going on a cruise. Yes, I am getting on a large floating hotel and going to the Midnight Buffet. I will in fact have to set my alarm to get up. I have not been up at midnight for a very long time.

Okay so it is a bit weird, we are traveling via Mary-Jane MiniVan to Vancouver BC. Boarding the ship and traveling to Seattle. We have a day of excursion in Seattle ( I am going to Children's for a bad chemo day and Margaret is going to work) We get back on the boat and head to LA. No other stops.

They are moving the ships that have been traveling to Alaska down south to do the Mexico trips. It was dirt cheap and I am so ready for a couple of days of floating.

Plans for the Cruise:

I am going to read, spend time in the spa, hair, nails, massage and then read some more. I am going to watch movies and people. I am going to try and relax. I left once, in August of 2005 for three days and M-E ended up with hives and our trip to Venice was postponed and........ I am hoping this goes better.

Tucker is going to Camp Lucky Dog. He is such a handful and I figure that if he has a million dogs to chase around with he will be very happy. M-E and Sadie are spending a night with Vickie. She was gracious enough to say yes. Lori is coming to Seattle on Sunday and leaving on Wednesday. The other parents are doing the carpool for Holy Names. Lori will be picking up. Johnny is taking care of M-E and Sadie on Wednesday night.

I think it is handled. I hope it goes well, I suggested I not leave until Sunday on the train and M-E suggested in the most stern way that I needed to get out of town.

So......... Click on the link above and you shall see where I will be.

Light the Night

We went to Greenlake last night to watch this event. It is put on by Leukemia Lymphoma Society. I have wanted to partcipate for a couple of years but September has never been a good month for us. I have also had a fair amount of resitance from M-E. She does not feel like a survivor. Dr. Tracy said that Lance Armstrong says that you are a survivor from the day your receive your diagnosis but cause each day your are surviving.

During the walk everyone is given a balloon. Red ones are for those touched by cancer, supports and the like. White balloons are for those who have survived. Lets put it this way, way way to many people have been touched by cancer and there are not enough survivors. It really bumbed me out not to see more than a couple dozen white balloons and hundreds of red balloons.

I have a couple of theory's about that. One being that by the time you get to survival you are just exhausted. It is hard to ask anyone to support anything because they have given so much. That being said you are all required to participate in a walk around Greenlake a year from now. I am going to enlist Holy Names and Odea and St. Joseph's to come out and support one of their own. I know there are more survivors out there and it is time they show up to their party.

It was beautiful to see so many people with lit up balloons on a walk around a dark lake. It is very appropriate given that cancer is like a dark lake with light around the edges.

REMISSION DAY

PURPLE.....Must be the color of remission. I don't know why is should not be. It steeped in tradition and valued by the royals world wide, including the Pope. It must have the highest significance and should be today's color.

Remission: a word we in the cancer world cling to like drowning passengers of the Titanic. Remission in Leukemia World can be a fleeting thing or an elusive thing. Some kids go into REMISSION within 7 days of treatment beginning. Then there are those with cancer that is more stubborn. M-E had the stubborn kind and did not make it until September 13, 2004. We never went through the process hoping for day 7 remission, only to be told it had not occurred and were facing 6 months of additional treatment. We were always on the "everything and more" plan. I have seen the faces of the parents that did not have a child in remission by 7 days. It is a sad sad thing.

While M-E had the stubborn kind of Leukemia, she did not have the totally disrespectful nan-nan-nan kind. Some Leukemia just laughs at chemo therapy and thinks that the refusal to go away will let it stay. Well those doctors at Children's Hospital are not stupid. They have really big bags of drugs and they are not afraid to use them. Eventually Remission is achieved and then the bone marrow just has to be replaced. It does not behave and it is just flushed out of the body and new and kinder and better bone marrow gets to set up residence. ( Say an extra prayer for Elise.)

Two years, two years, two years. I can not believe it has been two years. Mary-Elizabeth woke up to a small box in the mouth of Tucker. Small turtles were held within. They are very special turtles. They had been waiting at the jewelry story for the last two years. I figured they must have been waiting for her to arrive at this point.





.

A Burning Bush

I am not sure what the remission prayer is but I have been experimenting for a couple of years with just very long sessions of pleading and begging and just practicing the old acceptance and trusting mode.

Mary-E is studying comparative religions now and many themes travel through each faith practice. The key word seems to be faith. The old trusting requirement. I just would like a few little signs and a few little rays of hope each day. Maybe a burning bush would be nice. Some old guy in the desert was visited by one so we know it is possible!

After I quit whinnying, I realize that the sun comes up each day, without fail. The birds sing each day without fail. My daughter tells me she loves me each day without fail. The kindness of strangers flows each day without fail.

Maybe I am looking for the wrong type of sign.

A Poem that Touched M-E's Heart.

This was written by a teen-ager that did not make it through her cancer treament. M-E send this to lots of people and then used it as a prayer at school. We all have these moments of hurry scurry. Being reminded of the good things is very useful.

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask How are you?
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done!

Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say,"Hi"

You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.
When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there
.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.--------------------

New Friends

Tucker has a new friend down the street. Meet Barney. He is a 12 week old Soft Coated Wheaten terrier. Tucker and Barney roll and jump and bite at each other and then do it again. The neighbors are amazed at the amount of noise these guys can make. Oh, well. New friends can be noisy.

M-E is making new friends. It is easier for puppies but and less biting.

Week Two and almost Year Two and how I flunked Back to School Night

Things that have grown this Summer.


Two weeks of school. No late arrivals, no true disasters other than I wore her green socks on spirit day..... How was I to know that "they were my only pair of green socks" said in a very disgusted tone with lots of emphasis on ONLY. Oh, well, I figure with everything else going on that is only a tiny infraction.

This week was Back to School Night. You go with 1000 other parents and sit in the auditorium, ( in a place you can escape.) You have a very needed prayer, introduction to all the important players like the Auction Chair and development (money raising folks) and then the Principal gives a little talk. Then all the teachers introduce themselves and what they teach. And then you are dismissed to attend the classes. 10 minutes per class, 4 minutes between classes and then done.

Oh, yeah, did I mention that I can never figure out that the main floor seems to be the 2nd floor and that sometimes I get lost when I have to figure out such things? Did I mention that I have not seen some of these people for a very long time and maybe have to stop and chat? Did I mention that the teachers have that "look" even for the parents when they come into class late? Did I mention that you are not supposed to talk in the hall? Did I mention that Sister Mary-Annette had a birthday and so I had to stop and see her once I trekked to the 4th floor? Did I point out that 4 minutes is NOT ENOUGHT TIME TO DO ALL OF THAT?

Did I mention that I skipped school? Since Mary-Elizabeth can be removed from Holy Names because of my behavior, I thought it was better to be gone than be late to another class.

Biggest news. Next Wednesday, the 13th, is 2nd anniversary of Remission. Great day for her, 8 more years to go before we use the word Cure, but every year is a step.

Did I mention that following rules was never by stong suit?

ONLY A RE-RUN FROM TWO YEARS AGO. JUST FOR A CONTRAST TO SHOW HOW FAR WE HAVE COME.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

We have a "Nurse Visit" Today
So, shall we start a pool to see who can guess when we will come home. I want to say by 5:00 p.m. because now I am ready to be at the hospital. We have bags, new ones from Landsend have not been packed, but old ones have. We have communication devices, computers, books, fun hand projects, in-patient and out patient notebooks. We have a plan. WE ARE READYGood news. M-E has been able to go to some school. She made it a couple of hours yesterday before the heat and excitement and chemo induced tummy rebellion began. She was able to get up and to school today and I have not received a call. She is such a trooper. She has a smile and great attitude. She is a tough kid. We learned yesterday that it is better to take the $42.00 pill before you get sick.Next challenge, which lap top do we get her. I have looked and every time I am ready to click, I decide I am not smart enough to determine what we need.We are off to get our counts. Hematocrit, platelet, WBC and the all important ANC and of course #6 asparagus shot. Three more to go. Two more while awake. She hates these shots. The ANC has to be over 500 for school to be allowed. If not she will be at home with Grandmother. One day at a time. I wish I could make plans but then I plan to not make plans and I think that is a plan.

Week One and September 1, 2006, Boy have we come a long way.

She has only said "Mom, I am a Holy Names Girl" 20 times. She is so excited to be in school and to have started her career in high school. She comes home every day with ideas of how to spend her extra time.

Mom do you think I should be an Ambassador. I would be one of the girls that opens the doors and talks to people so they feel comfortable.

Mom should I join the Hispanic Club. I don't really know that they do but maybe I would meet some kids that half and half like me.

Mom should I be a tutor. I could help little kids learn more.

Mom......... All these choices and all these decisions. I am more focused on "Will I be able to get the laundry done? and have the slow leak in the tire fixed, and pick out baseboard for the new floor? and.............

What I really love is that Holy Names has pushed Leukemia to the back ground. Now Denim day rules our life and not Methotrexate Monday. It still creeps in every now and then when I have to make a special trip to the hospital or I hear worry in my parents voice because my daughters numbers are not as low as they should be. I love that high school has eliminated those nasty, loud, rude and smelly boys from her life. She is convinced only William ever bathed.

I will learn to love the alarm when it goes off at 5:00 a.m. and I HAVE to get up. I will learn to always make my coffee before I go to bed. I will learn that Tucker wants to play and play hard by 6:00, and what is my problem. I will learn to love watching the streaks of light come through the windows. I will learn to re-connect to quiet morning times before the car pool begins.

I already love that we are 12 days away from the 2nd year of REMISSION with no relapse to spoil it all. I already love that we will be done by the end of the year. I love that we had a fight this morning before school. I love that we have a quiet week-end coming up. I love that she is so happy right now.

But most of all I love that prayers are answered and the answer is yes. We have been on a two year journey and are weary. It tells you something if we think starting high school is a relaxing endeavourer. But it has been.

Finally Week One of a good thing.

Trips to the Eye Doctor

We are going today. Back to Dr. Balter. He was the doctor that found the swollen optic nerves two years ago. He will be surprised to see us but will also be glad to see how M-E is doing. Because I am anticipating some stress related to the visit. I am going to reward myself with some new windows. It seems to make sense to me.......

Monthly Trip to Children's

Remember when it was daily. We are so spoiled. The universe does keep you on your toes. Simple blood draw 12 minutes with the Doctor and then a bit of chemo and home. Seems like a plan. 3.5 hours later....... oh well. I am on page 30 of Bleak House, only 860 to go. The print of this entry is 10 times the size of the book.

Counts, bit high...... ANC 3330. I know there are people out there that would kill for 200. We are willing to share. She is supposed to be at 1500 to 2500 and she just will not move to center of road. She has to take more of the dreaded Methotrexate. Up two pills. She just hates that. Early to bed.

Off to school by 7:20. I may head to bed soon.

Dumping

Mary-Elizabeth is scheduled for her first wake-up call in 12 minutes. Then I go take a shower and really get her out of bed. She has about 50 minutes before we leave for school. This morning is the first car pool. I better look at a map.

We then weave through Seattle, make some conversation and hopefully arrive at school in a timely manner. The girls have to go to their lockers and then start their first day.

Some naive parent asked if I was excited to meet her teachers. I said yes, but then realized there was an expectation I would go inside with her.

Hello....... I am a Dumper. I come from a long line of dumpers and have been dumped on many occasions. I have been dumping M-E since Kindergarten. I dump at school, the hospital and the airport. The train, crew, and the movie theater. It is character building to have to find your kindergarten class on the second day by yourself. You learn to identify better land marks. How was I to know there were big white globe lights in every hall way?

It was not until much much later I realized that Mom does not parallel park. In any event, I can parallel park and I am still dumping.

4 more minutes until the wake-up call.

Meet Juan Pablo with His adoring Sister

Big Sister M-E was a bit hesitant but seemed to know what to do. she did point out that the Sierra Cowlick has been gifted to all of the siblings. My father is proud the this new one was named after him. John Lanham would prefer to be called John Paul from here on in.

Holy Names

Well.... what more do I need to say.

Flash Backs

Shall we search this blog and count how many times I have bemoaned the fact that things take me by surprise? Times I have been shocked by events, things I have not expected. Well let's talk fillings!

Simple, right, seems to be straight forward. Well she has never had to have any because her parents made sure she was seen every 6 months and sealants were put on and regular brushing was adhered to. Then leukemia came along and the dentist was not the top priority. If you are going to have 27 appointments a day, they are far down the list.

During the process, three of her molars came in and her mother passed on the Grand Canyon of crevices to her daughter, So the formula goes like this

No visits to Dentist=
No sealants=
Cavities=
Fillings.

Simple enough. Well, lets take a needle phobic child with lots of Chemo and add a dentist that really does not want to work on anyone in pain, and a weird reaction to the novicaine where part of the nerves don't numb for heaven knows why and you get a disaster.

She just went to bed and cried and cried and cried. She finally told me that the whole experience brought back everything from the past two years. A PTST episode.

Great, I was just taking my child to the dentist...........

I will have to access the outcome this morning and see where we go from here.

I guess I should learn not be surprised.

When we least understand, someone sends us some understanding.

Those of you who know a fact or two about Zen Buddhist practicemay know what a koan is. A koan is simply a short phrase, or a question,designed to bring us to a point of enlightenment, but which also tends to confound any rational attempt to understand it.The most well-known example may be,“What is the sound of one hand clapping?”

Proverbs and St. Paul suggest that we have a choice to make as people of faith,a choice as to which “spirit” we will let influence us:We can follow the quick, easy seductions of the foolish spirit,a spirit that works (as Proverbs will go on to say) – like a prostitute – a prostitute who flatters us into thinking that things like our college degrees . . . our careers . . . or our good looks have set us up for a sweet life, a reasonable life, a comprehensible life.Or – and this is the plea of Proverbs, of St. Paul, and of Christ himself – we can admit that there are limits to our understanding, things, no amount of professional training or native intelligence have helped us to comprehend. Loved ones die too soon . . . chronic illness or addiction interrupt a life . . . Metaphorically and (too often literally) our bodies are broken and the blood of those we love is shed. There are times when life itself throws a koan our direction and leaves us asking “how can a good God let such things happen?”But friends, it is precisely when our own comprehension breaks down, when we cannot figure out what God is up to, when we have been “simplified” by the complexity of our family circumstances, this is the moment the voice of God, like a wise woman, calls us back to her table, not for cheap fare . . not for sugar water. (Here is where the metaphors mix and we enter this mystery with image, poetry). God sets this table with her meat . . . the bread that came down from heaven, the flesh of God’s Son broken for the life of the world. Unlike our ancestors who quarreled about how any of this could make any reasonable sense . . . and then died, we can live forever . . . .if we have the humility to live openly before so great a koan. For when we lack understanding of why we suffer, then this bread we break, and this cup we share, becomes our communion with Christ’s own suffering. And though this is incomprehensible, it is this mystic, sweet communion with Christ that is our food.“Let those who are simple turn in here,” God says.“Let those who lack understanding come, eat of my food.”
This food is for the life of the world!__________________________ Proverbs 9:1-6Ephesians 5:15-20

WEEK from TOMORROW

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul-
And sings the tune without the words -
And never stops
-at all.
-Emily Dickinson

I am so tuned into the date and time we are traversing. I so remember two years ago looking out the window at St. Joe's Spire and Holy Names Dome. I was so unsure of how this leukemia thing was going to work out. We always had hope.

It has taken us a very long way but will need to stay for a while longer.

The 28th, she moves from St. Joes, a place that has been so wonderul to us in endless ways, to Holy Names (HNA to those in the know).

The Video Can be Seen by clicking this Link

Scroll down and watch Kids Helping Kids Through Cancer.

A good Navaho Primer and a Need for Lots of Dawn Prayers

It is all about the journey, not the destination. The Navajo believe that with each morning, you are given a new chance. Prayers are granted with the prayer to the Dawn.

We remain lucky and blessed and only a bit crazy. We have been talking with another family that has been struck with ALL. The little girl, 11, is not responding to normal therapy. She is skipping all of the "normal" treatment and going directly to transplant. I had never heard anyone doing that but I can not imagine that it is a good thing. Nice parents, nice brother, nice girl, bad bad disease. I am beginning to realize how frustrating it is to see someone in so much pain and not know what to do to fix it. I had lots of people show me how to help.

They need lots of Dawn Prayers and candles.

Its a Baby Brother

No pictures yet, born on August 7th via C-Section, Name Juan Pablo. ( My father John is pleased. More info coming, Pictures Soon. Sister M-E doing fine. Now Ana does not have to have her head cut-off now that the "heir" has been produced.

The Call

Two years ago today, I was sitting on the deck of Clair's Chelan home looking a the calm lake, drinking coffee. Little did I know my world would change with an angry child walking out of the bedroom with a phone in her hand. She would say to me.

Mom, your phone woke me up.

She would walk back into the bedroom and my world, her world, and the world of many many others would be changed for ever.

Two years ago. What can I say, two years of doctors and poison and scary moments. Two years of having the only certainty in your life be uncertainty. Two years of prayer given and prayer received. Two years...........

Time to focus on the next two year anniversary, that of the Remission.

We are Fighting about Hair

I guess I should learn to keep my mouth shut. I think it needs to be trimmed. She does not.

Maybe normal does return, two years ago she was diagnosed. 24 months ago, 730s of Leukemia. Still going, still fighting, still worried but still here with hair issues.

Ms. Vickie's Response

Why I Won't Go Teen Clothes Shopping:

1) I am not stupid. Why would I set myself up to be blamed by a parent for a teen's willful clothing choices?

2) I am not Catholic. I have no idea what the rules are at a Catholic school.

3) You spelled "clothes" wrong. "Cloths" are used to wipe the floor.

(I'll go feed the pigeons with MEB in Venice, but I draw the line at clothes shopping!)

Last, have you not read the NY Times article (see below)?? Apparently, teens are dressing "competitively" now- I wouldn't know how to help her be competitive!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 10, 2006
An Impressionable Age
By RUTH LA FERLA
YOU would not accuse Tessa Sprauer of false modesty, or missing out on an opportunity to shine. “My mom,’’ she confided with a canny grin, “says I’m always reaching for a photo op.’’
Ms. Sprauer, 13, who will enter the ninth grade this fall, is highly particular about the looks that suit her, and those she deems spotlight worthy. “I’m thinking about something maybe not like so casual,’’ she said as she eyed a selection of dresses last week at Forever 21 in the Palisades Center mall in West Nyack, N.Y. “I never wear anything literally like basic,’’ she said. “Even your jeans have to be great-fitting and stylish, not just the average jeans.’’
Ms. Sprauer represents a growing number of teenagers who plan to ditch their rumpled, randomly mingled T-shirts, cargo pants and jeans this fall for a more thoughtfully orchestrated, if seemingly unstudied, back-to-school wardrobe. Many will be zeroing in on fashions with a frankly mature edge. Tunic tops, Empire dresses, argyle sweaters, mixed prints and skinny jeans — chances are that if they spied those looks on the runways or in the pages of Us Weekly or InStyle, they will be wearing look-alike versions this fall.
Savvier than their predecessors about trends, brand names and quality — and hipper about the image they hope to project — many teenagers are unabashedly style-struck. Accordingly, merchants and trend watchers predict that many teenagers will be investing sums, which previously have gone to electronic gadgets, on wardrobes that are meant to be the envy of their peers.
An intensifying infatuation with Hollywood and runway-inspired designs is pointing them to sophisticated youth-oriented brands like Marc by Marc Jacobs, Paul & Joe for Target, See by Chloé and J. Crew. According to retail analysts, that romance is expected to result in an increase of 5 to 15 percent in sales of back-to-school apparel. Indeed, clothing sales, which have been flat in recent years, are ahead perceptibly. Neither the rising price of gasoline nor an extended heat wave seem to have kept teenagers and their parents from the malls.
“I like getting more dressed up this year,’’ said Ally Zingarelli, 13. She is an eighth grader in Old Tappan, N.J., who also likes to dress competitively. “Everyone has to have accessories,’’ she said. “Big necklaces, clunky jewelry and longer shirts with leggings.
“Before, you’d wear a polo shirts and jeans,’’ she added. “Now it’s a polo shirt and jeans — and the right shoes.’’
Aileen McCluskey, 16, a junior at Culver Academy in Culver, Ind., wears a prep school uniform, but she tweaks it with headbands, big earrings and bangles, long necklaces and a profusion of clips and bows. “In junior high it was a lot of pajama pants and sweatshirts,’’ Ms. McCluskey said. “Lately we’re going upscale a bit more.’’
Marshal Cohen, the chief analyst at NPD Group, the market research firm, has taken note of the trend.
Today boys and girls “have got style in their minds,” Mr. Cohen said. “All of a sudden, dressing up is an important component of their lives.’’ Large numbers, he added, are forsaking “raggy, utilitarian clothing for statement pieces.
“This year, they are using clothing rather than gadgets to say, ‘We have style.’ ’’
Researchers say many teenagers are emulating celebrity idols like Mischa Barton, Lindsay Lohan, Hilary Duff and Chris Martin (the lead singer of Coldplay), some scarcely out of their teens themselves, to cultivate an impression of maturity. “Kids are going more covered up and more sophisticated, and the girls are more traditionally feminine,’’ said Rob Callender, the trends director at Teen Research Unlimited. “It’s a question of trying to look more adult. Teenagers today are 12 going on 25.’’
Paradoxically, their desire to look older is stoked in part by designer fashions — baby-doll dresses, shrunken blazers, schoolgirl jumpers and the like — that have an emphatically youthful demeanor. Often on the runways, “there is no real delineation of what is ‘child’ and what is ‘adult’ anymore,’’ said Gloria Baume, the fashion market director of Teen Vogue.
There are practical reasons, too, why fashion has become seductive to both teenagers and their parents. “Many of them rationalize that it’s less expensive to buy clothes than it is to buy a new computer, calculator or phone,’’ said Robert Passikoff the president of Brand Keys, a market research company. “And they haven’t bought clothes for a while, so there is a real market need.’’ Brand Keys is forecasting a 15 percent increase in back-to-school apparel sales this year.
Among the beneficiaries of a heightened interest in style are stores like Dillard’s, Target, J. C. Penney, Bebe and American Eagle Outfitters, which cater to teenagers. Some posted July gains in a range of 2 percent to 10 percent over the same period last year.
American Eagle Outfitters’ back-to-school fashion mix, in particular its successful interpretation of longer, more fitted shapes for boys and girls, helped boost sales by 7 percent last month, said Susan McGalla, the company’s president. At Abercrombie & Fitch a new emphasis on quality — higher thread counts, softer fabrics, more subtle washes — has resulted in a price increase of 25 percent in the last two years. “But the customer gets it and is willing to pay up for it,’’ said Tom Lennox, a company spokesman.
At stores like Abercrombie as well as Forever 21, Bebe and Intermix, young women are investing in an archetypically girl-y look, buying lavishly detailed tank tops, dresses and skirts with a grown-up flair, playing down their formality with ballet flats or heavy engineer boots and leggings. Boys are gravitating toward dress shirts and slimmer pants and the occasional blazer for nights out.
Their younger siblings prefer the slimmed-down, hip-slung premium jeans they see on their favorite rock stars. “We’re seeing a high-school-age person looking for very specific fashion items, interested to replicate the looks they see on some celebrities,’’ said Gregg Andrews, the fashion director at Nordstrom.
Boys, Mr. Andrews added pointedly, are: “more concerned about their appearance than ever before. They want to look nonchalant but in fact are quite studied. It might look like ‘Oh, I just picked this up off my bedroom floor,’ but the look is actually very calculated.’’
At Urban Kidz in Scottsdale, Ariz., designer jeans, fitted shirts, puka necklaces and coin chokers are among the most sought-after items for boys as young as 12 or 13. Lila Metcalf, the owner, says the average family is spending about $500 at the store on back-to-school items for each child this year. “And an increasing number of young men are putting that money toward clothing,’’ she said.
Teenagers at every economic level are displaying a new fastidiousness. Erika Sprauer, the mother of Tessa, teaches at a middle school in the East Ramapo, N.Y., and has seen a preoccupation with dress heat up among her charges. Few of her students are well-off, “but they spend a lot of money on their clothes,” Erika Sprauer said. “They match the colors of their shoes to their outfits, and they walk so they don’t crease their sneakers. Their clothes always look brand-new.’’
Well-off or not, teenagers know precisely what looks and effects they are after, having gleaned their fashion intelligence from an ever widening variety of sources. “We used to go to a newsstand and buy a stack of magazines,’’ Mr. Andrews of Nordstrom said. “Now the Internet allows kids to focus on fashion. They can spend a half hour at a time studying the way Pink dresses.’’
Stefani Greenfield, an owner of the Scoop chain, which caters to affluent communities in Chicago, Manhattan, Miami and Greenwich, Conn., said: “They go on Style.com. They know what’s hot, what’s in, what’s out. They know what Prada is.
“Juicy Couture to them is not high-end. And what they are going to wear back to school is a very big deal.’’
That news leaves some parents less than thrilled. “It’s not O.K. if kids see something in a magazine and emulate it outright,’’ said Karen DiDonato, Ms. Zingarelli’s mother. Still, she conceded, a teenager fussing over what to wear is “better than if your child simply rolls out of bed and pulls on her sweatshirt and jeans.’’