What Do I Need?

This seems to be a very very difficult time. We all want this to be over and the reality of what the next weeks and months will encompass has set in with a vengeance. Just think, I didn't care about my birthday. It seems that birthdays take time that could be better spent. Oh, My God am I finally growing up. No, that is not the least bit possible so we shall abandon that thought right away.

I am asked all the time "What Do I Need"? It is so apparent to every one that I need something but I can not put my finger on what that is. I don't think I "need" any one thing. It is a plethora of items.

I need to not have to think about what I need. I am so so weary at this point in time trying to manage all of this. Liueqkemia is a full time job. Having a 12 year old is a full time job, my job should be a full time job. The simplest things are so difficult and I feel like a failure in not having an answer and not calling people more and not having a chance to send out a card or an e-mail.

HELP!!!!!!!!! THE TIME AND ENERGY MONSTER HAS TAKEN OVER MY FORMER LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to be around people more but don't have the time to do so. I need to not be around people that take any energy from me. We don't connect much with each other anymore as a society. It is more like we "Intersect" with each other at certain points in the day or week. We have all become so busy with work and play dates and school activities and sports practices and homework and projects that big events are what bring us together. Mary-Elizabeth and I are out of the loop. I don't get to just chat with a fellow mom or have a cup of coffee with a friend while I wait for school to be out. I have to watch as Mary-Elizabeth is forced to live with impending disappointment every day. She gets to plan a certain activity but one bad number and she gets to sit home with her mom while her friends go to the dance and to school and to the mall and to the movies. It is just a fact of our lives at this point. But there are times that it is a rotten rotten reality.

We all have the best of intentions but simply don't have the time to follow through we all seem to drop the ball. Then we have that guilty, "Oh, God, I meant to do __________(fill in the blank) and now it is too late to___________(fill in the blank)." I feel like I am letting everyone down but know that I have not. It is made more difficult in that there are so many times that even a simple phone call is difficult. We all have to ajust our expectations of how the world works. Life is just different and we are still exploring what that really means.


Everyone is weary. It is human nature. Every one has a limit to how much they want to listen to what is going on. When someone askes "What can I do?" I often don't have any answer. I know that everyone wants to help with this process. Logically I should have be able to give suggestions and I have come to realize I don't know the answer to that question. I think everyone has to realize that there is no right or wrong answer. It is sort of like the Nike motto; JUST DO IT. If you can think of something that would make your life easier, execute. I promise that if I can think of something, I will let everyone know.

We are at the beginning of month three and I would like this entire event to be done. I wish I could wrap up this blog and make it into something we can journal and wrap up neatly. The reality is that every single day things go sideways, there are traps around every corner and it is easy to let our guard down. All it takes is one false step and this becomes a very different story. When I get complacent and I forget to do something like take the air out of the heprin flush or I don't wipe the PICC line long enough or I get a bubble in the Lovanox shot or I could start the series of events that send us to the hospital for a bad infection. Each trip out of the house is fraught with potential hazards. Each bite of food could cause a problem, each encounter with a person or an animal or a hand rail could be a potential killer. It is just mind numbing.

Mom thinks I need a tranquilizer. I think I need an attitude ajustment. She sent me out to just sit on the back porch to relax and watch the cats not catch the squirrels. All ll I could see were the full gutters and the trimming that need to be done and the lawn furniture that needed to put way and the hanging baskets that needed to emptied............ I need to give myself a break. I will work on that, now that I am a grown up.