Going, Going, Gone............................................

The hair is leaving again. Really really leaving again. But I think hair serves a very different purpose than we all think.

It was here at the beginning when I wanted to think that my child would not look like those other children. How could all that hair, hair that has never been off her head, leave. I had never seen her bare scalp. It is one of the white lies that I let myself believe. I didn't want to be shallow and it took a couple of days to even ask the question: "Will her hair really fall out?" They keep talking about how chemo therapy kills rapidly dividing cells. When the question was finally asked, the answer was "Yes. Yes, hair is a rapidly dividing cells".

My desire to cling to the long beautiful healthy locks only lasted about 5 days. And then M-E had a new room mate and we all looked at her and then there was a consensus that all the hair was going to be shaved by weeks-end. At no time was my child going to look like something out of a movie where the head is 99.99995 bald with a few straggling strands left. Reminders of a different time. Jerry was going to shave it. The staff told us to wait,that the it would take a while. It took almost three months for the full and final departure.

Our basic instinct was correct. Hair, massive amounts of hair, are a sign of health in children. If my child had hair there was not a real problem. The hair loss was dramatic but not rapid. It went a bit at a time, each strand that was found puts us one step closer to the reality of the situation. Each hair cut, to minimize the effect, was a step closer to embracing the truth of the situation. It all had to go. When it was leaving it was a sign of progress in the treatment. It did stay around long enough to protect her skin from the radiation and then it gave up the ghost and went silently. A step towards welcomed re-birth.

It then begin to return. It was so so soft. It was like a babies hair but no shine and a dull dead color. It was so soft and everyone wanted to touch it and just pet the soft soft strands. It reminded me of the covering of antler's in the spring. It was like a magnet. I think it comes in so people would give her the healing touch she needed. I stroked her head for hours. It was calming and very soothing for us both. Being receptive to kind touching is some thing we have all seemed to have lost. Even strangers like Garrison Keillor could not help themselves. The cat was very jelouse.

When her hair began to grow back, she began to feel more normal. Normal is good and she was ready for some normal times. People would look at her and they let themselves believe it was a life choice, and not a sign of a life and death stuggle. A sheik bit of Paris, a progressive mother or one that could not control the hair cuts any longer. It did not matter. The new hair did not scream LUKEMIA to everyone.

The new hair became longer and there were even bad hair moments, more like nano seconds. She would wake up in the morning and little bits would be sticking straight up. It was back! She loved it and joked about it and felt relieved.

Rumor had it that the hair would go again in the first and second Delayed Intensification (DI). She did not loose much during the first DI, she lost her eye brows and lashes but the hair pretty much stayed put. She then began to complain about the grow back pain. But she knew it meant she was getting her hair back.

No one was prepared for the massive loss during this second round of DI. It started about a week ago and it is fleeing the jurisdiction. I think that in a strong wind it would be gone. It is being shaved this week-end. Shiny bald and beautiful. I can touch it again.

She is doing okay right but is having a hard time as we are so close to the end. No sense of humor about any more delays. Everyone is ready for this to be over. I think the hair is leaving so people with treat her with a little bit more care. Her fragility is just under the surface and I wonder if it helps people understand and be more accepting of her. They don't ask too many questions and are more gentle in their interactions. She smiles and is so brave walking around with her balding head. Her very spirit is an inspiration. She is living with this thing, this unwanted visitor I still can not spell.

It will come back. By the time we go to Venice she will be back to sheik. When it comes in this time, it will do so to stay. Each rapidly dividing cell that is added on will be a cell will be healthy and there to stay for the duration.

I just hope it is red and curly.