Expected Waves

It feels like the tide is receding. We are relaxing a bit and working on enjoying the view. I slept all night. No worries about whether or not the pump will run out of battery strength or the line will kink or the PICC will break in the night. Her ANC is high enough to keep her in good health. She is hungry and starting to be able to eat. Her mouth is healing and she is figuring out how to deal with all of that issue. Guava Juice does not sting.

I am working and getting ready for a big trial. I have lots to do and that feels good. I have to deal with some things today but life is manageable.

M-E is being retrieved from school on an almost daily basis by Ana and Isabel. M-E is doing lots of make-up time with her dad and loving every moment. She is learning turn her irritation of not knowing into good humored teasing with her father about his poor memory. Mary-Elizabeth is settling into her new discovery. All-in-All it is a good thing.

We know there will be more waves, big crashing painful waves but we live on the Pacific Rim and we have a warning system. We get side swiped every now and then because this Likumia thing is a very strange and insidious disease. I worry that I will never stop worrying about a relapse. I don't know if I will ever believe she is healthy. I find that I worry the most when she burrows into her bed and only wants to listen to my TV from her room. When she can get out of bed and is grumpy and surely I feel so much better. I love now when she mouths off to me a bit and gets sassy. Maybe the chemo and radiation and weeks of no food are going to not take my child away from me.

I realize how much I want to believe she will be better. I am so willing to flip back to the "Everything is okay" mode. I like that part of the universe so much better. As parents we all worry about our children. No one is ever prepared for how much we love them the moment we find out they exist. No matter how hard I try, I don't think I could ever be okay again if she did not beat this disease. All the good thoughts in the world, all the candles, all the loving prayers and support from the entire world would never fill the hole in my heart.

I know there can be a sneaker waves out but we will deal with those when they come. Right now we will be thankful for a good time and pray for all of those that did not expect a wave on Christmas Morning.