Introducing my friend "What Now"

We are in waiting mode. It is a hopeful place but then there is that nagging fear that something is really wrong. I have learned to live with that fear. It has become my shadow. I should name it "What Now" I think I have earned the right to feel like that at this point in time. I have enough faith things will work out but then working out is not the same as having things your way. I hate having to keep learning that lesson, over and over again.

We are waiting for the biopsy results. Dad had the biopsy on Tuesday and had no complications. He is scheduled to have some sort of surgery on Monday of next week. (That would be on the second day of my 10 day arbitration.) I am co-council and my real part doesn't come until the end but then it is still stressful and difficult and not fun.

We have three possibilities at this point in time. We have the removal of the lesion only. A little section would be taken out. We have the removal of the entire lower lobe. We have the chemo and radiation route if the nodes are positive. So we wait. Three possibilities and two good options. So we wait. Did I mention we are waiting?

Every time I receive a phone call I assume it is bad news. If I am a bit jumpy and I have been so distracted. I have some good reasons for my bad behavior. I did not even know that today was the inauguration. How could I have missed that bit of news? I know they have shut down DC like a war zone, I know they have been selling expensive tickets for all the festivities. I know that the Ritz Carlton has a package for two for $150,000.00 but that is the end of my knowledge.

This realization made me realize I probably owe some people an apology. If I have not been as good of a friend or communicator, I am sorry. I hate to let people down. I hate to not be the best person I can be in the world. I hate not paying attention to important things. I hate doing the wrong thing. I hate when people ascribe hurtful motives to my behavior. I have been so focused on "What Now" I have let things slip. I will try to be better.

I keep thinking things will settle down and we will get back to life as we knew it. I am beginning to realize that "What Now" will always be in our lives and we have to find a new definition of normal. We are on a path not taken by many and every journey is different. "What Now" is probably in lots of people's past, current or future. We have all had a visit from him or her. I guess we have to take the new friend with a grain of salt and try to fit them into our lives without ignoring or destroying our old lives and relationships. The fact is, 'What Now" and her cousin "What Next" are here for a while. I guess it is time to put them on the e-mail and Christmas list.