The Magma may be Coming

They are waiting to see what will appear today at Mt. Saint Helens. I am curious and very interested in all of that. Of course I am one of those that wonders why they don't know more. Why they have not figured out a better way to determine if the lava is going to flow? Why are there so many questions left unanswered?

The fact is there is very little we really know. We know there are hurricane's. We don't know where they are going to go or how much damage they are going to do. We know there are erupting volcanoes but we don't really know when or how much they are going to erupt. We know M-E has luchmia but we don't know if it is really gone or when or if it will come back. I hate uncertainty but then that might be the only certainty we have.

I am bothered by all the reminders that relapse can happen with the disease. We are in this early part of the treatment and are just trying to get through the early phases. One day, one appointment, one shot at a time. I very seldom let myself look more than a couple of weeks ahead.

The first week out of the hospital, I ran into someone I knew. Her daughter is 8. She relapsed just after going into the maintence phase of treatment. ( We don't reach that for another 10 month.) Our most recent 5 year old roommate relapsed just after finishing her two years treatment. I wonder if these people are in my path to let me get ready for the fact this part of our lives will never end or if it is to remind me that we are very lucky and I should just count my blessings. My attitude and choice of messages is very much dependent on my stress level. It is Sunday and I am at work and I am beyond stressed about work and getting everything done. I know that getting everything done is not possible. I think I need to give myself a break but then I am not very good at being easy on myself.

The getting everything done comes from my father. He is the voice that let's me know I need to work harder and bill more hours. He is the one that believes long hard hours of nose to the grindstone is the answer. If we follow the protocol things will work out. Mother gave me the gift of the "worry zone" . Things are either in the zone or not. If they are not in the zone you don't worry. If they are in the zone, you take positive steps and fix it. Never do you dwell and worry needlessly. She told me this morning that I should not worry about the dream where the lava was all over and I had to break my windows and crawl out of the bedroom to get away from it.

Translation: I should not worry about Mt. Saint Helens or a relapse. I should get to work and bill more hours.