We have known for two months.

I was very testy yesterday. Mary-Elizabeth has shown signs of regression over the past few weeks. She needs much more of what she used to call "Mommy Time". She needs more of my attention than I realize. It is more of an attention thing. She is very inwardly focused and very quiet much of the time. She is concentrating on healing and managing the daily assault of treatments. She needs me to be with her and just hold her. I realize that this quiet time is a gift. Most 12 year olds are pulling away from all parental contact.

I am acting like a petulant 3 year old if everything does not go my way. Flu shot refusals sent me into hysterics. I love the Swedish Medical Clinic in our office. "We don't care if you need the shot. You are not our patient. You should get it from your doctor." I now understand the panic felt by an addict. "But I need it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I made a typo in a letter I was trying to get out after hours last night and I was in tears about being a bad typist. At that point I was more of tired 3 year old. Maybe this will keep me young. Do you think it is bad that I want CoCo Puffs for breakfast.

Two months. It so feels like a lifetime. The memories of normal are fading rapidly. Yesterday we had the "X-Ray to look for the possible blood clot in the lung" fun. (She is okay). I see normal and know it is out there. I see people on the way to work, upset that they have to go. I want to shake them and tell them to enjoy each and every moment they can go to work without having to manage a health crisis at the same time. I see a mother storm out of a restaurant angry that her beautiful 10 year old daughter does not use chop sticks correctly. I see father's that don't spend every possible minute with their children that they can not knowing what it is like when a simple cold can keep them away.

We are at a very dicy time right now. After the last round of treatment her system is still crashing. ANC : Monday 288, Wednesday 150, normal 4000. Her White Blood Cells are less than 500: Normal 10,000. Her bone marrow will start to recover soon. The doctors are happy but also worried. Low counts mean the treatment is working. Low counts mean she is in the danger zone for nasty infections. No wonder I am going crazy. Nothing is what it should be.

Well I am going to work and trying to do some good in the world. I will get through the piles and will make sense of some things. I will not loose it today. I will find something to smile about. I will continue to try and remember this is only a phase and it too will pass. We are at day 25 of 63 of Consolidation.

Pray for me and everyone I deal with today. Two months, 28 more to go.