What to Think, What to Think

M-E and Isabel during the June swim party.

Friday afternoon. I should be working but I have seemed to come to a grinding halt. As the intensive stages of treatment begin to fade into the background, I have the ability to reflect on our last year.

As of today, this blog is a year old. I have chattered away for 365 days. I have posted a huge amount of dribble but I have kept my sanity in the mean time. I think I have to take a bit of time off this week-end and see how it goes. This site is where I have put my thoughts and displayed my anger. I have whinnied and cried and laughed a bit along the way. I have worried and fretted and will continue to do so. I have spent time just babbling about nothing, much like today.

I know that there have been days of self pity and days of emoting. I know that some of it does not make sense. I also know that I could not have done this without the blog. I have externalized the grief and sadness and feelings of helplessness in a way that was safe and helpful to me. I continue to be surprised how little I change on the old entries. It is a good source by which to remember. I do have some gaps that need to be filled in about those early days in the hospital. But then maybe tell the story those days are not as necessary as I think.

I reflect back to a year ago. As I reread the blog and do some editing, I realized how much this was like a good mystery. Nothing turns out the way you expect. But clearly I am amazed we have made it to this juncture. 11 months of treatment......... 10 days from the start of maintenance, counts willing. One more dose of Vincristine on Monday and then we wait for 750 ANC and 75 platelet's. We expect to begin.