I am trying so hard to be a grown up but I just melt down. I need a release and it seems to be Security right now. I do feel bad but come on, really, they can't just give me something fast and let us in??? I have so much on my mind. So many things need to come together in the right order.
She needs to get into remission. To get into remission, she needs to have lots of chemo and procedures.
It is better for her not to get sick. Her counts are so so low that she has nothing at all to fight with so a simple infection, could be devastating. Her body can't fight. If there is a fight then her bone marrow will try and do it and it should not be doing anything more than making reds and yellows (Platelets are yellowish) and not making any more whites. Their right to make whites has been canceled for now.
Then we have to find a match and then we have to find a match that is still able to donate and then we have to totally kill her blood marrow with chemo and total body radiation and then...... we wait and pray and hope and swear and kvetch and worry and curse and sort pictures and buy junk we don't need and worry and light candles and fold cloths and make jelly and read good books and bad. I think you get a picture.
In short right now, I am very very touchy and the word "NO" can bring on the wrath of god. Please don't take it seriously and please forgive me and please know that Sally is trying as hard as she can to keep Sally Ann under control.
1 comment:
Yes, I think you are right to struggle for calm control. As old as she is, M-E will be taking her cue from you. If you are angry, she will feel it is somehow her fault that you are upset, even while another part of her is proud of you for defending her so vehemently. If you are frightened, she will feel she is lost, and it will take a long time to regain her confidence. Steely calm, radiating calm and confidence, taking things in stride, saving your savage questions for when you know for sure she is out of earshot or line of sight. Vital. Every time, vital. How tiring to be so controlled, forcing yourself to radiate loving confidence when you are terrorized by this enemy. But she is absorbing every molecule you radiate, whatever the content of those molecules. I am sitting with you now, holding your hand and telling you how brave I think you are, how strong you are being for this child, how much I love and respect you.
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