As we settle into the issues of what is happening and not happening, I am perplexed as to what I believe right now. I guess I have not given up on God but I am so so mad. It just seems so unfair.
This is such a scary time because even those in the know don't know. Will she have more chemo for several days and then we do more waiting. Here number are still at 0 and when I ask how soon they will be climbing, I am given that very sad and condescending smile. You know the one, the one we give our children when they ask if their are fairies and Santa Clause.
Mom and I have been having Midnight coffee. It is sort of nice to wake up and have the coffee already made. Mom watches the street activity and loves to report. Last night was quiet but 15 bags of groceries and a couple of cases of beer went into the house across the street.
Waiting, I hate this waiting. I guess I need to re-bond with waiting. It is the thing of Cancer World. I guess if we are going to be here for a while, a long while, I better keep God as the focus of my anger. I better keep her around.
3 comments:
The flame extinguishes without damage to the plant - that's what we will be looking for here.
Keep your faith, Sally, you are one of the few I know who believe. I think it's OK to be angry with Goddess -- let's face it -- she screws up a lot. XOXO
I totally GET it! I don't agree that God is a she, because she would not have screwed up this bad as somone above me said! Only the he's screw up this bad. This test of faith is mind numbing. I thought about this on Sunday as I sat there in church, the feast of Our Lady of Fatima. I thought about Mary and the children of Fatima. What would it have been like to see a vision of Mary as a child? Did people believe the children? I am sure they doubted. I am sure their faith was tested. Our faith is much more than a belief in a higher power. It is a community. A community that believes together our faith in the ever after and the spirit of Jesus gives us purpose while we are here on earth. This community is our hope for the ever after. While I am so pissed off at God about why Mary Elizabeth is so sick, I know that if I lose my faith I lose my community and I lose my hope that there is an eternal life. SMB
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