Saturday, September 06, 2014

I wrote this when everyone thought Dad had Lung Cancer. December 2004....

In December of 2004 when Meb was just starting her treatment, there was a spot found on the his lung.  He was pretty sure it was bad, very very bad.  

I don't remember writing this but found it and thought it was interesting. 

I keep thinking if I say it enough, it will not be so hard. I keep thinking that If I say it enough it will be easier to understand. I feel so helpless right now with all that is going on. So many people need my attention. So many people need my help and my energy and I feel pulled in so many directions. For today I am going to watch a movie with my daughter that I think I am going to hate. I am going to carry on as if we have a normal life. I will call home only one more time. I will pray that I can accept the had we have been dealt. I will focus on not adding stress to M-E. I will weep a bit this morning. I will sit with my sadness and let the waves of sadness pound at me for a bit. I will know that there are many pieces of wood to hang onto in this time of great despair. I know I am not alone.

We all loose our parents. Those that have not, fear they will and those that have lost a parent are reminded of that gut wrenching pain and vast emptiness of loss. But even now Father is in teaching mode. He is making bread, and writing letters, and moving money around. He feels he has been given a gift. A warning that allows him to do some things. Not that he needs to do much because he has lived everyday with great deliberation. He has lived each day with purpose. He has seen those that have slipped to the other side and knows upon their return they report only good things.

He will do this with great grace and purpose. He will not let them do much to him but will take full control of the process and guide us all through it. There will be sadness and tears and screaming and yelling but there will also be no regrets. We might even be treated to a few revelations. No one will feel like we did not say enough or do enough for each other.

We will be stronger and better people. We will have been blessed with all the years of time and effort and wisdom that Father has always shared. We will have our letters and our memories and knowledge that he will always be with us in so many ways.
I will also miss him in so many ways...........................................................

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