Count Downs

Count downs are all around us.  Launching things, waiting for things to return.  Count downs to Oscar, Grammys, Republican Primaries, Elections, to just about everything.   We counted down and an are now counting back up.

Day 44 of transplant. 

We are almost half-way to the magic day 100 when we return to the care of our Hem/Onc team and are done with the Bone Marrow Team.  (When we became a BMT patient our door tags became Purple and not Yellow anymore, I wonder if we ever go back to being Yellow)

I am feeling we are on the edge of an abyss all the time.  There are challenges around the edges and corners and tools to fight them: but no real way to know what is coming or how it will be fixed or what is next. 

I found this card among my hospital stuff and thought if would be nice if there was one for those of us in Cancer World.  It might have symbols for such things as complications, procedures, medications and the endless amount of possibilities in our world.

We need a map. Things are just weird on this floor right now.    Something has happened to the staff, they aren't allowed to tell what is going on but they are a bit on edge.  The overfull floor, and I mean even overflow is over full.  the full moon, the weird weather, I am not sure but something is happening.  I am afraid I know what it is.

One of the patients, a person of less than 21 summers, is at the end of her treatment (and not in a good, lets go home and party kind of way)  She has no more options and only one nurse has been assigned to her care. Her care giver is spending all of her time in her room and is withdrawing from everyone on the floor.  It is sort of interesting on how we know something is happening, or rather not happening. 

I couldn't think of anything to do for anyone at this point because there is literally nothing to be done or said.  No words describe the dread, the fear, the anxiety. No amount of prayer, good thoughts, words or cursing helps.  

So I can do nothing but string a single beautiful crane with some shiny beads, attache a Starbucks card and have a discussion of with the universe about how sad all of this makes everyone, even if they don't express it. 

As I sit here and watch my beautiful child sleep, the prayers have double duty today.

I did find an oven on this floor in another unit.  I am scheming to have someone bring me cookie dough, a sheet, a spatula and then I am sneaking in to the room to make cookies......  We shall see how long it takes for me to get caught.