"I am leaving you with a gift: peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives. So don't be troubled or afraid. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again. If you really love me, you will be very happy for me, for now I can go to the Father, who is greater than I am. I have told you these things before they happen so that when they do, you will believe in me."
I look at this passage and know someone sent it to me. I think it is interesting to read it in the context of today and now. Cancer World certainly made me re-evaluate my relationship with spiritual world.
My spirituality was practical: There is a God. God is Good. There is not a "Plan" or predestination sort of thing. God did not "give" my child leukemia in order to teach me a lesson. The Old Testament God just does not hold much credence with me. I have often wondered at those who don't see a God in the simple things, like a flower or a sunset. If nothing else, it's nice to share such moments.
When Mary-Elizabeth relapsed, I told Father Hightower I was furious. I was incensed. I was heartbroken and it was all God's fault. He held me in his arms and gave me a place for my fury. He simply said " God has big shoulders". He made it all right for my anger and pain. I didn't have to put it in a deep dark place and try to handle it. I could be apoplectic until I could figure out how to cope.
During the 12 years of Cancer World, I have been able to find a path because I knew I had the strength to return to a place of "peace of mind and heart". I could not always stay there but I could return to that place of hope, understanding, calm, simple sanity. I knew there was a sanctuary waiting for my return. I know there are special places and events that feed my soul. The ocean, a sudden downpour, a soft rain, a trip around a bend in a road, a new bird, an old tree.
I have no answers. But I know "peace of mind and heart" are a good goal and place to be.
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