Sunday, February 24, 2013

Oh, Level Five,,,, WE get there by being Angry....... Boy are we


In the swamp-like water of the river Styx, the wrathful fight each other on the surface, and the sullen lie gurgling beneath the water, withdrawn "into a black sulkiness which can find no joy in God or man or the universe."

I am one of the Wrathful..... fighting everyone all the time with little or no control over what I say or how I say it.  

I try to be nice.  I try and I really do but there is so little of my being protecting the angry hostile sullen gurgling being that lies beneath a rather calm exterior left.


When your child reports someone make fun of their shoes most moms have an instant reaction to crush the offender.  It is unreasonable and complicated but it is real. Cancer only makes it worse


There are many paths to anger.  Each of us arrive there at different times and different reasons.  Frustration, disappointment, fear anxiety (DAFF).  We have to quickly leave those big four or they will simply eat us alive.  Anger is the release, the pressure valve.  How often do you hear the someone "vented" their anger at the poor barrister. 

By the time we are sitting in the emergency room or the doctors office after the blood tests or the "scan" there is so much fear and anxiety built  up anger is so close to the surface.  It has to come out at some point and head in some direction.  Something at some point has to give......

I think back to all the poor recipients of my wrath.... I am really good at it.  I can take down the best of them with a rage and a vocabulary that is scary.  Just ask Josh, the poor Security Guy.  I don't want to be a Children's so when I have been there twice in one day and he has seen me leave with Mary-Elizabeth an hour earlier, I am not nice to him when he decides I have not given him enough attention.  I had my badge, I had it on, it is current and he misses the chance to see it when I walk by him, he was not expecting my invective when he tried to stop me.... big mistake.   He won't forget who I am again....... 

We all have a certain length to our fuse.  My fuse was beginning to lengthen again but it was certainly snipped when Cancer part 2 rolled around.    My consolation is there will be lots and lots of my peeps on Level 5.  I am sure I will be able to fight with them and when that is just too exhausting I will slip down an restore myself with the sullen.... 


Here is my apology for all the snarky, unreasonable outbursts and down right nasty things I have said and done over the past few years.  I wish I could say I was done with all of that but we seem to keep keeping on....


2 comments:

Roger and Candi Merrill said...

I understand level 5. And I feel sorry for the last poor sap that endured my wrath. I can't apologize to him, so I apologize to the universe. And cannot promise it'll never happen again.... Hang in.

Katie Ann Brooks said...

I think you are doing just what you should be considering the circumstances of your and Mary-Elizabeth's life. Humans are imperfect. I commend you for holding it together as well as you do most of the time, I am not sure I could do the same if I was in your position. Hugs! Katie