Monday, July 01, 2013

There is a reason there are Heat Shields on Re-Entry Vehicles.

Cause it is hard. Really hard.  I have realized there are issues when I leave. It is too hard to think about everything not being done.  The garden watered mostly but there is always a little sad plant that is over looked. The sort of plant only a Mom would see.  The crows have water from the rain but they really really like fresh clean water every day.  The mail is piled high but no real gems hiding inside.  It is hard to jump back in.  90+ heat does not help.  Bad sleep.  Knowing we have to get up early early for the SCCA Appointment and then no half and half. 

Okay.  Milk was delivered.  Starbucks had good shots.  The news from Dr. Carpenter was great.  Two months ago he stopped the slower then continental drift taper.  Today we knocked it loose.  It started again. Slow and stead should win this race.  Everyone is very hopeful.  First big test on 3rd.  She will drop her dose of Prednison by 2.5 milligrams.  Shhhhhh, don't wake the baby girls.  They are not supposed to notice.  They  might raise their heads and scream a bit but the first drop should be okay.  

I so hope on the 4th of July Mary-E Awakens with clear happy skin and ready to party all day.  21 years... oh what a blessing.

Hope.  I am working on hope this week. I stuck him in the closet for awhile.  Sometimes hope is hard to deal with when you are not exactly friends.  He had to have a time out.  As a cancer parent you are afraid to hope.... too much out loud.  Sometimes you have to hold hope close to your deep heart chambers. 

Lots of people are supporting your hope and encourage walking hope around on a long rope and saying happy things.  Cancer Parents love happy thoughts.  We remember when we had lots of them.

We are "hoping" to have some certainty of hope soon.  I caught a glimpse of hope today when I saw another fellow patient.  I gasped when I saw had good she looked.  In contrast, I gazed on the chair that held Mario, almost a year ago.  I remember seeing him out of the hospital a couple of weeks after we too had been released.  I was horrified with how he looked.  I realized how far down these kids had been beaten.  Mario did not make back to health.  Cancer beat him.  His parents and family and friends fight on with more determination and certainty. 

That is the thing with hope.  It is good to have in your bag of tricks. It can fill your soul with strength and the ability to fight for things  with power you did not know where possible. It gets you through the worst of it.  The long long days of uncertainty and despair.  It does not die.  It can fade and seem distant but when called upon it can rally like nothing else. 

Hope Springs Eternal......  It doesn't crawl, or creep or step.... it springs.

That is my Hope.

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