Wednesday, October 09, 2013

My Current View of God and Cancer

Things change over time.  Sort of like the tree in front of my window.  Lots of changes during a year.  So God and I have had a very changeable relationship over the last couple of years

When I told Father Hightower I was furious with God, his response was really simple.  "God has big shoulders".   I loved what he said.  God could take it and I had space to give it.  Sometimes while we are in Cancer World with big scary battles no on gives you the right to grieve and to be sad and upset and angry.  We have all these emotions and it is necessary to transverse the whole gang in order to arrive back to a good place.

I am back in stasis right now.  God is not Santa Claus but more like the Tooth Fairy.  Prayers are answered all the time but not in the grand Charles Heston, God on the Mountain kind of way.  No big beard or deep voice but little things.  An unexpected check from a friend. A bottle of wine. A cup of coffee or a smile.  A meal, a load of laundry, a thoughtful act from out of no where.  A new medicine, a new protocol, a kind nurse.  It is all part of what happens and what is provided.

I look back and only now really understand the gifts that flowed towards us as we slipped further and further away.  We were hanging on for dear life and we were rescued and supported and given the things we needed in very concrete ways.

Monday I spent the day with Allistaire and Jai.  We had lunch in a clinic room while magnesium dripped into Allistaire's body.  We talked, we worried together.  Allistaire let her mom leave to fetch the Ipad for movie time. (No TV's in the clinic rooms.  Bad planning.) I soon learned that 3 year olds don't want to play the license plate game.  My phone failed to properly entertain but we all survived.

Some wonder why I would go to the hospital and spend even a moment.  It is very simple.  I have learned to listen to the little voice deep in my soul that alerts me to the need to be present for someone.  Sometimes I need to just be a hungry listener or a presence in someone's life.  Just a moment, a cookie, a smile, or some "yes, I understand" and head nodding.

Fall is upon us.  Today there is sun.  A walk is in the works for me. I have to beat several people who are ahead of me on my FitBit....

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