10th year begins. 10 years ago today I received a call at about this time from my friend Judy.
"Sally Children's Hospital is trying to get ahold of you." What I did not realize then, that I do now, is that not only did were they trying to get ahold of me. They were never ever letting go.
We had entered Cancer World. 9 full years of being here and no one has shown me any of the escape routes. We just wait and wait and watch and ask and beg and wonder. We are finally just resigned to this place in our life.
We are not dwelling on it, we are not focused on it. We are just moving through another part of the maze that is our world. Mary-E continues to pack and prepare for her return to Campus. She continues to worry and fret and wonder how it will go. She imagines horrible things and fun things and normal things.
I wonder how it will go. It is weird to be sending her back to school and out of my life on to the road of independence. While most my peers are settled into daughterless lives and the new relationship, my child was well on her way to an adult life and then was rocketed back to dependence and childhood.
When your child is in treatment, they revert. There are days they are 2 years old. Cancer strips away the years of personal growth and maturity. It takes your child back to the beginning and you begin again. A bone marrow transplant is a new life that must grow and develop and it is a new beginning.
So ten years in we do it again. We start again. I let go, she fights to go but wants to stay. I push and then I grab. It is a very interesting dance. We have done it before, we will do it again.