I could not type those words yesterday. How do you type those words. While I often think we go to far in Cancer World and don't step back and let kids have comfort before they re-boot, never did I think about letting them ask to die. I never even thought about it.
So let me process this. So we have a child. They are terminal, they have pain that can not be managed with any amount of drugs. They are able to ask to die and I have to agree.
Can a three year old ask? I know a pretty smart three year old, Alistaire. She has had cancer twice in two years. She just wants to be a big girl. She asked her mom if she was going to be a big girl. Does she even understand the word "dead". Even if she asked would anyone be able to "agree". She just wants me to upgrade my phone games. Alistaire does not care about the License Plant Game.
Mary-Elizabeth is now an adult in the eyes of the law. (She has been an adult much longer than that. ) More than once during the process she wanted me to make it all stop. There were lots and lots of time that the pain was beyond what could be given to her safely. Not just once but more than once. Lots and lots of gut wrenching, "I am going to kill these people if they don't help her kind of pain."
New Computer system, nurse on break, new codes, no one on the floor, no one responding kind of deal. I was very very very very clear that I knew the code and I would administer the meds if they did not respond.
Oh, dear, if that pain was constant, would I agree to her request to be done. To die. Oh, see it is good for me to write through. Would I agree? See. It is possible to get to the point when it makes sense.
But what if there was hope? What kind of hope? Hope for snow day or hope that Santa is real kind of hope? This is certainly a topic for another day.
Okay. Enough. Time to plan the activities of the week. Walking, cleaning, job hunting, package wrapping. Waiting for the Christmas Cards to arrive. The usual.
Oh, I better add Laundry...