Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Black Hole that is Cancer World

We are on the edges right now.  She is better. She is doing normal things.  We are traveling a bit to familiar places.  We are visiting places like the Zoo and Aquarium.  We are making plans. We are at the hospital as a visitor and not a patient.  We are edging to the part of the world where we can pull free of this votex that has held us for so long.

It makes me crazy because I am afraid to believe we can make a few steps and be out of reach of the fear and anxiety and the endless worry.  There has been some discussion about whether or not she could go on a white water trip with other cancer survivors.  Can she go, should she go, will she be in danger?  Do they allow a child in bubble wrap into the boat?

We were in CleElum at Dairy Queen.  We stop, we imbibe, we sit in the same place. I count the number of trucks coming through the drive-in.  During our stay, we talked about the danger of falling out of the boat and hitting her head and bleeding to death.  I told her I would much rather she die in some sort of sporting accident than sitting at home waiting to start living.

Maybe I can say such things because I don't think there is any possibility she would fall out of the boat and hit her head.  Freeze to death, a real possibility.... but again I want her to learn to walk on her own again.

This trip has a doctor, a nurse and an EMT. It will be fine. 
I hope.
I know.
I pray.

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