Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Not knowing what to pray for......

I have a book that I love.  "Our Lady of the Lost and Found" It was written by a Canadian Author with a great sense of humor.  She is having a good week and low and behold Mary shows up with a small suitcase, Nike's and a trench coat (blue of course).

It is almost May and she needs a rest.  During the course of the discussions with her host there is a lot of talk about prayer and the requests.  It is both a thought provoking and funny book. 

Cancer Mom's like Mary a lot.  She watched her son grow and then die.  She felt the agony of not being able to do anything to stop it or to make it better. 

Michelangelo's Pieta in the Vatican is one of the most powerful pieces of marble I have ever seen.  It saddens me that it is behind glass because some man took a hammer to it.  I was lucky enough to be at the Vatican several times and just stood at the bottom, holding the foot of Jesus and looking up at Mary.  Such a calm resigned look.  Not sad or distraught but a mom's face as she holds her child for the last time. 

I know, that the face did not match the feelings behind it.  But those of us that have faced the potential loss of our child know that if everyone knew what was going on behind "the your so calm" look, the world would spin off it's axis and then upside down and we would all just float off into the Universe.

That being said, we do pray a lot.  We pray for high numbers, we pray for low numbers, we pray for 10 match bone marrow donors, we pray for remission, we pray for no relapse, we pray for engraftment, we pray for one cord to fade away, we pray for a little GVHD, we pray for the GVHD to go away... We don't really know what we are doing.

I don't think any of this illness or suffering of our children is part of a grand master plan.  God did not break Mary-E twice.  This is not some grand plan to see how many needle points I can finish.  It is not some huge test I have to pass. Now, that being said.  My ongoing conversations with God, the universe, Mary, the Ganesha, Navajo healing ceremony Buddha, the katsuras in my front yard have helped me survive this process.  I know we have no control, we have no way to know what is going to happen.  We have to survive every single day in the best way possible and only deal with what we face this moment and the next.

I find I can handle it better if I have a sounding board.  Boy there is not a church within 15 miles with a candle left unburned.  I need to know I have sent my thoughts and prayer somewhere so I can focus on this point in time.

Only prayers today are to just get through this week with the ability to pick my sister up from the airport next Tuesday. 

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