Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Now What?

so... I feel like I have been in the pressure cooker for two years.  Now we are really really sort of done with Cancer World.  But I know, that you can never know for sure.

September 28 2010 was when Cancer went Super Nova.  I know it is just superstition and silly but when you have the world implode for the second time, it makes you wonder and worry in a different way.  She will be seen at Sacred Heart in Spokane. In fact, I will be with her the day she meets Dr. Judy Fleminheimer (sic) and Dr. Carpenter.  We will be all together, again in Spokane.  Old home week.  This time will be better, I am sure.  I dream of a continued taper, hair growing  back where it should grow and lots and lots of need for me to find her smaller jeans.

Sort of makes my heart go to a deep dark place, a place of fear and trepidation.  I can't help but be worried.  Should I open the door from whence I hear the weird scratchy sound emanating?  They always walk toward the scary noise and open the door in the movies.  But from my point of view, I wonder if I can ever keep the door shut.  I have learned over the years, knowing is better than wondering. 

Anyway, she has been to a few classes, feels totally overwhelmed and out of control but then the week-end is coming and the world will return to it's axis once again.  She feels like she is in an altered Universe.  She knows where she is headed and will continue on the route.

I, on the other hand, feel a bit out of whack.  There has been this constant scream and chatter in my head for two years.  My adrenal glands have been pumping out enough adrenalin to flood Bangladesh.  All of that is gone.  It is quiet.  No chattering.  My ears are still ringing like they do after a rock concert.  My body feels lighter and strangely quiet.  It is an odd, odd feeling and experience. 

I make lists of things to do and not do.  I actually have agreed to do something later this week.  I realize I can do that and not worry about what might stop my going.  It is going to be a learning process.

The world kept spinning while I was in my private hell.  Who knew?


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