Friday, September 06, 2013

Okay, the relief has been replaced by a reality check.

Stress started to enter the picture again.  Just creeping into the edges.  I was able to just let go of all of it for a day. Pretending we were done.   All the worry, the constant fear, the nagging anxiety.  I was able to pretend, for a bit that it was over.

Having Mary-E back in school made it seem like it was over.  It was back to normal.  It's not normal.  I don't have a place to spend my energies, clients to worry about, I have only me to worry about.  It is time I spend some time worrying about me.

Eye doctor: "Sally you have not been here for two years"  Bad Sally
Dentist:  "Sally you canceled your last three cleanings"  Bad Sally
Doctor:  "Sally Annual means every year!"
Mammogram:  "Really, 18 months.! Do you know what can happen in 18 months!!!"

I know what can happen, oh, do I know what can happen.  In a moment.  In a nano second. In a flash.

Okay, so we are still at it.  I can deal with that.  The distance between here and Spokane does give me some room.  A space to fill with "me stuff"  A place to turn my eyes on me, instead of everyone else.

She can handle it.  She has been doing her meds and monitoring for a long time.  I am only the ATM and the Chauffeur.  It is a job I know how to do.  I certainly have learned I can't fix or control and even do much management of Leukemia.

So I will settle into the new role as far off observer and worry from here.  I will take this time to find a new project that puts money in the bank.

Seems like a good idea. 

Okay, Okay, Okay. 

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