She never, ever cleans up. I was so disgusted the other day that after finding maggots in the lasagna pan, I threw it out of the house. Can you believe it.
True, True, True event.
So when every one talks about my nest being empty, I just don't see it that way. I knew from the moment I was pregnant, that I was just the intermediadry. My job was to grow this child, raise this child, launch this child.
She is launched again. I don't really feel this deep ache or emptiness, I feel a lightness that comes from space clearing out. I have these moments of freedom and realizations of time. A place for some writing, and cleaning, and digging deeply into the part of the house that have been neglected. Some sewing and some time on the phone. I can finish some things that have been shoved aside.
Don't get me wrong, I love my child. I miss her grumpy face at 11:00 am when she walks out of her room complaining of the dogs barking. I miss her dry wit and her strength and fortitude. I miss the moments when she snuggles in and just sighs in the way a child can do. I miss her refusal to scratch my back and her demand for Thai food at the oddest times.
I also rejoice in her independence. Her ability to keep all the balls in the air. The way she has been able to step back into her real life. The life of a 21 year old young woman that is noticing the boys notice her. I would never, ever want to hold her back. I never was one of those Mom's. I love my daughter and know she is safe and happy and troubled and struggling and make decisions without me. And that is the way it should be right now.
Empty is a two sided coin.
I am looking at the bright and shiny part.
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