Thursday, November 01, 2012

As I Planned and Executed Dinner

I realized that I’m still mad.  I am confused but mostly I am scared.  I don't even know what to think.  After the rapid jump from 0 to stage 3, I am so afraid the next step is 4 and dialysis and transplant.  Since she has been so closely watched and there were no warnings, I am terrified.

I guess I have been in a more confusing place but not for a long time.  As you settle into Cancer World, you find there are lots of ways to cope.  You scream, you take care of other peopl3, you cry, your go to funerals and realize it could be worse.  You take up hobbies and you sulk.  You learn lots of stuff about cancer and it becomes your new normal. 

One thing you do really a lot, is convince yourself that there is an end.  You get through treatment and it is OVER. Okay so there are problems with executive functioning and there has to be extra time allowed for tests and extra accommodations, no problem. Blood clots, not a problem or a concern. Okay there is the Thyroid death but a few pills can fix that…  Yes and let’s not forget the surgical lengthening of the gastronemic muscles in her calves.  The yearlong house arrest, the loss of two years of school, the………. Okay we can do this.  It will be over, and one. Back to yearly check-ups and some worries and life will be good.  It will take a while but it will be good. 

Then……. Blamm slapped down by the universe.  This never goes away, it cann’t get better it can only get worse.  I don't have a lot of happy positive energy left or trust in the universe regarding how the world works.  Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice..... 
Well we have been lulled back into a sense of security more than one time.  I don't trust the universe any more.  It is a fickle and evil place.  It just is.  "God's Plan?"  No God or god or Deity or controlling force plans cancer.  It is a design flaw. Nothing more nothing less.  Yes, good and graceful things come from such situations and we learn a lot about generosity and the goodness in our fellow beings.  We curse God and the gods because I believe no God/god would ever inflict pain and suffering as I have seen in the eyes of the children, the parents and the people around them. 
I have to believe in the design flaw theory of cancer and kidney failure.  As my friend Julie said:  "you traded certain death for no more cancer and chronic kidney disease." 
Yes I did.  Not the best trade I have ever made in my life.  But then Bush traded away Sousa.

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