So this search for the right tree, the fake tree, the artificial tree is not going well. I of course want to put up a pink stick and throw some pots and pans on it and call it Christmas. Sallyann, my much younger and probably more mature self, is not going for it. Neither is Mary-Elizabeth.
Yes, I know that in the scheme of things we are just being whiners. We should put on our big girl pants and just get over it. Big deal, we have to have a fake tree because even though the transplant happened 10 months ago, she is still on immunosupresents AND no end in sight and still complications and.......
Yesterday we were out doing somethings and were driving around and everyone was happily setting up the tree lots. No amount of "re-framing" or "spin" is going to make this sadness go away. It will take awhile. We get to be sad and silly sometimes.
So I shopped all night for a fake tree. Nothing seemed to float my boat or make its way into my heart. I think we just have to bite the bullet and go to Costume and Display and buy a tree. It can be 4 feet and it will go on the little round table. It will be okay from a distance. It will be fake but my brilliant child pointed out that we could give to another bone marrow family for next year. That helps.
There are a lot of us out here. On the edge of life having to be happy about all of this. We are not happy, we are not grateful, we are not joyful..... all the time. We are painfully aware of how close to the edge we are and try to muster joy and gratitude because if we didn't we would throw ourselves off the edge of this cliff.
So we are moving forward, we are "just dealing with it". We are going to take Pearl Ann (we found out she is the one that really stuck around) to the zoo. We are going to then find a tree and we are going to be just fine. We are going to plan a bunch of small events between now and then and life will be good and headed to great.
Maybe our tree will resemble this turkey.