I awoke from a strange dream last night. It took me most of the day to shake it. I was ready to seek professional help, something that many feel I could use.
In my dream we, Mary-E and I were in a place like Dietrich or Spirit Lake. We went to a house and I put M-E to bed. I kissed her goodnight and assured her it would be all right. I then left as an old friend of mine lit a match to start the house on fire. I waited outside and watched for signs of flames and emergency vehicles. My ride came and I did not know who they were but they took me to the airport.
I was not upset or concerned about my previous actions. Somehow I ended up back at the house and my family was there. I seemed shocked that the house was still standing with only signs of smoke. I asked about M-E and Mom said she was fine but that I could not see her for a while.
I woke up with a sick, sick feeling. How could I do something so horrible to her. How could I leave her alone, in the dark and then let someone start a fire. How could I not do everything possible to stop Jim from lighting the match.
I was sure it meant that I did not love my daughter and that I wanted something awful to happen to her. It just made me crazy.
As I thought about it, I have decided that maybe the dream is about this last year where I have let them "put poison" into her ( her words). Maybe I do feel like there is nothing I can do but walk away. Maybe I realize that as a parent there is not a lot I can do to stop the bad things from happening. Or maybe I need to seek professional assistance.
I compensated for my bad dream by buying a new mattress and am looking for a bed. My friend Lori said I should buy one, I am a grown up.
A year ago today we had the fateful tests that started us down the Lukemia Rabbit hole. A year.
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