That I am not buying school supplies, uniforms, locker stuff, dorm supplies. It seems so so weird.
I had always wanted Mary-Elizabeth to take a year off from school. Never two and never for cancer. I saw exotic road trips with her friends visiting the world's largest ball of string, volunteering in Ecuador building wells and cementing her Spanish. I saw a year abroad doing some sort of weird research.
I never saw this coming.
I really have nothing to complain about. She is up, she is around, she has only been back at Seattle Children's eating Chef Walter's award winning food twice since March. She is half way through the transplant year, she did not die from the blood clot.... the list goes on.
What really sucks is that I spend so much of my energy finding the silver lining to all of this. I have the opportunity to "grow a deeper faith". To learn lessons in receiving instead of giving. To find happiness in the small moments when cancer seems far away. To take this time to find a new path into my new future. Okay I am done complaining and whinning. I just have to some times.
I am lucky. She is blessed. We are fortunate to live in such a time when a double cord blood was available. I am truly blessed and oh so grateful.
There are just times that I don't want to have to be so grateful. I just want to buy a matching rug and garbage can and small consentrated laundry soap and cute dishes and perfect knives and markers and post-it notes and all the things that we do before school starts.
Go figure. I am sure that if I look back to posts a year ago I would see much complaining about such things.
Enough, time to focus on attending my 40th class reunion and really looking back. 40th, from the group that never trusted anyone over 30. Should be interesting.