Monday, September 10, 2012

Might be time to Trust in Health Again.

Cancer World Mom's are a suspicious group.  We are pretty hardened by the various things that have befallen us over the years.  The disappointment and sadness when our children are sad about not being able to swim or go to school or have ice cream because they have that disgusting water reservoir they use to hold the scoops.  Unexpected fevers, side affects caused by medicatoin given for a side affect, a child that gives herselve 7 shots a day, a ANC that is 195 and keeps you in the hospital. 

You are always on guard.  Never a moment of true restorative relaxation.

Do you wash your lettuce?
Do  you wash your hands after using the bathroom (at least one server at Portage Bay does not)?
How long has that roasted chicken been in the box?
Is that Feta? and has it been cooked to 160 degrees?
Are you feeling all right?
How is that ankle, finger, bump on your abdomen, weird tingling feeling over your left eye?

I expect that I should be able to just step back on to the fast track again. I want this to be something that is behind us. I don't want to be in this weird space.  What I am forgetting is that it took several years to begin to believe things were all right and we had a pass to rejoin our life. 
"Things are great"was taken away a  year ago.  A phone call, a few frantic calls to try and make the fear and doubt subside and then the  sick, horrible realization it was BACK.

Now I seem to be caught in the whirlpool of doubt and fear and anxiety.  Each time I have stepped out and tried to get back on track, something has happened.  Short trips have resulted in hospitalizations. Scheduled lunches, headaches came.  Planned adventures and a schedular calls to change the date or time or cancel or set a new appointment.     I have just now started to put somethings on the calendar.  Even when I do, I never ever trust I will be able to follow through.

As Mom's we believe that if we are not here and on top of every single moment, there will be a disaster.

I am very good at not being a dreaded helicopter mom.  Mary-Elizabeth spent months in Mexico with her Grandma starting when she was 3.  She flew home by herself when she was 5.  She took the bus from school to Downtown on the #10 when she was in 5th grade. She was not over mothered by any means. In fact many thought I was very careless in my care of her. 

So as she sits and works endlessly on her two classes, I have to let-go and learn to trust again.  I need to find a job.  I need to really start to pay attention to me. I need to trust I will have my daughter back, to stay. 

Maybe if I chant "she is going to be okay"  a thousand times a day, it will happen. 

Here is to learning to trust again that"she is going to be okay". 

"she is going to be okay"
"she is going to be okay"
"she is going to be okay"
"she is going to be okay"
"she is going to be okay"
"she is going to be okay"

1 comment:

Maggie said...

Can't wait to see that MEB again!