I don't generally "feel" my anxiety but I am aware that she is sitting on my shoulder. Her name is Juliette Pinette. She was identified as my invisible friend when I declared her presence at age two and a half. She was around for a while and everyone thought she disappeared when I was older.
I think she has always been here. She is the bad scary feeling when things are going wrong or we think they are going to go wrong. Sometimes a bad feeling, sometimes a twitch or a jerk just as we drift off to sleep. She is the one that really really likes ice cream and cake. She will eat other things if they are not around but cake. Good Chocolate Cake. Her very very favorite.
She snaps at people, she makes it so I don't sleep or she makes me just crawl in bed and go to sleep to shut off my brain. She has moments when she makes it so I can't breath or I must shop for things I don't need. She can be fun which explains why there are 8 quail eggs in my fridge ready to be made into tiny deviled eggs. (Don't Ask)
The last week Juliette has been particularly active and present. Mary-Elizabeth's port placement, some after port placement stuff that was weird and concerning. Rebecca is deteriorating, as dieing is a process and not an event. Her mom is having such a hard time. Other folks struggling. Just stuff. Or maybe I am just now able to "feel" the anxiety.
What I have observed is I can measure my anxiety by how long I can watch a show with situational tension. The "the music tells me something is going to jump up" or the ever present " main character is going to be caught and then the show will have to end" moments. There are situations in South Park that are too stressful.
I need to send Juliette off to play somewhere. Mary-Elizabeth is regaining her strength after a month of sick. I am back in school and figuring out this job thing. Rebecca is going to finish her journey and I can be helpful to Elizabeth for as long as it takes.
It is under control, it is going to be alright, in fact things should be more then grand. Lots to do tomorrow...