Saturday, January 26, 2013

Hoping.... Something we have to do as Cancer Moms

Definition of hope


[mass noun]
  • 1a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen: he looked through her belongings in the hope of coming across some information [count noun]: I had high hopes of making the Olympic team
  • [count noun] a person or thing that may help or save someone: their only hope is surgery
  • grounds for believing that something good may happen: he does see some hope for the future
  • 2 archaic a feeling of trust: our private friendship, upon hope and affiance whereof, I presume to be your petitioner

    We do it all the time. We do it every day. We pray, we plead, we often live and breath hope. WE have to keep hope close to our hearts because the other side is so so terrifying. 

    Often as Cancer Mom's we have to ignore the obvious because we can not fall apart all the time.  I have been having conversation with Rebecca's Mom.  Rebecca is so so sick and her mom has been told the battle is over.  Just as she is ready to realize it, some small, tiny improvement will crop up and then she is back to hoping again.  It is such a push pull situation.  

    The conversation goes like this:

    How are you?
    Oh, I am fine,

    How is Rebecca? We have been sitting here waiting for her to die.

    What are they telling you?  Well her liver has GVHD, she has cirrhosis, the Hepatic Vascular Disease is very bad but her bilirubin is dropping so I think she is going to be okay. She is on a ventilator  she has aspergillus in her lungs.  Her body is covered with petechiae ( little bruises) and she is bleeding internally.  Her kidneys are not working and.......................

    Oh, dear.  It all seems so hopeless.  It breaks by heart but in such circumstances hope is the only thing that attaches us to this mortal coil.  Hope is the only thing that keeps Mom's from falling apart at the wrong times.  Hope is all we have at times like these.

    I can't really imagine being the mom in the situation.  I have played the scenario through my head a few times.  But like many things in life, it is not something I can understand if it has not happened.  Sort of like all those people who think their life will be a baby will be the same as it was before the arrival.  Until it happens you don't understand... you only have observation and what ever you have gained through books and movies etc, not the same thing the experience.  

    Hoping (desire) for a good outcome......


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